August 10, 2016 Wednesday

Today we had firefighting training!!

I wanted to be second in line because I thought I was strong enough to carry the hose. But apparently I wasn't. I am reminded of my own weaknesses.

Anyhow, when NVB took the third man it became SO much easier. I wonder if it's just that noisy tomboy not pushing hard enough.

I really don't like that girl. She's so full of herself. Full of comments too. And then there were these two supposedly from safety that keep on giving me 'tips' not looking that I'M ACTUALLY DOING THEM. And their tips aren't really helpful. The hold that they teach us was so much less efficient than the first one that I learned.

And there was this Nat Geo film shooting thing that took up our time. It's fine though, since I've experienced firefighting already.

There was this girl that looks so much like M-. I remembered again that I really like M- if not for the fact that she's not... that.

P- keeps on talking to me and I don't want that because bro code. But I can't push her away either given her circumstances. In any case I'll try L-'s suggestion.

S- never replies. What happened to friendship tho

I like my work. There are no deadlines.

I have good friends. I must accept that along with the fact that my activities are solo activities. I know deep inside that I just want to be the center of a group of friends. But that's not how it works. And that is full of pride.


I'm starting to learn Hebrew from Duolingo. I'm going to drop learning Gaeilge.

I like E-. She's so cute! And very efficient. Idk I like her a bit. I need to consolidate my belief in love and romance.

I am going to re-establish this! And also my daily reading

Doors

"Love is an open door~"

When I was a kid (before our house was renovated), my parents told me that I sleepwalked once in the middle of the night. They woke up and saw me opening the screen to the outside. Apparently, I had already opened both the locked bedroom door, the door to the outside, and the screen. That’s a lot of doors for a kid. My eyes were closed. They put me back in bed, back to sleep.

I have no recollection of that event.

Ever since I can remember, our doors are now bolted and double-locked.

My mother used to work when I was still in pre-school. Both my parents came home late, and I liked waiting for them. I don’t know if we talked much, of what we talked about, or if we had anything to talk about at all. Parents are usually too adult to talk to children But I waited for them anyway. I don’t know why, maybe I liked it. I remember every Friday night when Dad would always bring home a kiddie meal pasalubong, with a toy from Jollibee that I probably got tired of the next day. I had lots and lots of toys back then; three baskets and a cabinet. They never seemed to be enough.  I remember also the soggy fries that smelled of newspaper that was stuck in the back of Dad’s bag. It came with the happy meal. I liked those fries.

During the day Nanay takes care of me and my cousin. I like Nanay. She used to buy us forbidden toys from Bayan and it was our dirty little secret. I had Yu-Gi-Oh cards because of her. She used to comfort us when Mama gets mad. She had no power in the house, but it was in the shadows that she showed her love.

I go home early. I sleep early. In fact, I’m known for sleeping at 10 PM. Back in Congress everybody went home after class, when the bell rings. Everyone came running toward the gate, from Grade 1 to Grade 6, whatever the age. I was like that in Pisay, too. After class, I went home immediately. Mama always waited for me in the front lobby. We live very far. We live past Fairview where nobody ever decides to meet. It is an hour and a half or so worth of travel time, going back or forth. I did not join any organization in high school because of that.

When I was 3^rd year, Mama got sick and I was left to go home on my own. I was really very worried for Mama. I still left home as soon as class is over. I have nothing to do anyway. No one expects me to do something after the bell rings.

When I was in 4^th year there were many overnights and outings. I did not join unless it was required for academics. My parents don’t allow it. Otherwise I’d have the doors locked on me. Once, Dad got home late from his friend’s invitation and Mama stayed up late to wait for him. She raised hell in the darkness of the night, waking up all the neighbours to the end of the street and shut the door and gate on Dad. Nanay secretly opened it later for him. He slept outside our room. My parents did not talk for one week.

Curfew was a no small cause of contention between us. I felt like I am old enough and I could take care of myself already. After all, everyone in my batch is free to stay up late. But we live very far, and we had no car, and I could not contest that. I resigned myself to this reasonable fact.

I went to UP with much the same habit, of going home and sleeping early. It was this curfew that kept me from joining orgs. I can’t stay beyond school hours, so I really enjoyed my breaks. I didn’t mind having long breaks, waiting around doing nothing.

However, as I grew older I realized that nobody has curfew anymore, since everybody keeps asking, “may curfew ka pa rin?” (you still have curfew?). Yes I did. Yes I do.

There was not much I can do about it. We live very far, and we have no car. The doors will be locked, and I have no keys.

Once in 4^th year there was a PIChE Quiz Bowl training and we decided to eat out at Steveston’s. I tried to push my luck and stayed, but it was 9 PM already and just as the pizza arrived, I had to leave. There was no room for delay. I was really mad then. I’m a graduating student and I have a damn 10 PM curfew. I cried in the jeepney on the way home. I figured I’ll wait for graduation, and then I’ll be free.

After graduation I went to a friend’s thanksgiving party in Pampanga, and there was a spontaneous overnight invitation, since it was getting late anyway. I tried to push my luck again – I’m a graduate now – but to no avail. I got really mad again. I’m a college graduate and I have a damn 10 PM curfew. I cried in the bus on the way home. I drank a cup from the half-empty wine bottle in our fridge. I did not get drunk. But I talked to Dad about it, how Mama always gets hysterical every time, how they are always worried, that someone was waiting for me.

I did not have keys. The doors were bolted. Someone had to wait for me.

And then I worked. Far from home, a new place. Quiet, a little isolated, a bit to my liking. Freedom. It was the first time I could stay up as much as I wanted to. But there’s nothing to do in Bataan anyway, and old habits are hard to break. I still slept at 10 PM. But I had freedom, and that made me happy. I had keys, for the first time in my life. No one had to wait for me. No one was waiting for me. It was just a bed to sleep on.

Sometimes it is not the open door that we want, but what lies behind it.

I try to go home every weekend, but there is not much to talk about. It’s not that parents are too adult to talk to their child; not anymore. It’s that they have nothing much to say, except for their usual advice.

Tonight I pushed my lucked. We live very far, and we have no car. My phone was muted, and I did not hear the seven missed calls. I saw the texts; I could see my mother hysterically shouting behind that long all caps text. I ignored the heartache that came to mind whenever she feels unloved for oh so many times. I did not reply.

I already asked them to go on ahead and sleep. They did not have to wait for me. I am old enough to take care of myself already. A little freedom can’t hurt. I just wanted to have an open door to go home to. I cried in the UV on the way home.

I don’t have pasalubong. We don’t have much to talk about anyway, just a few words to exchange. I wonder why they insist on waiting. Perhaps, they just liked it.

Tonight I came home at 12 mn. The lights are out, the doors were locked, I had no key. I could see the yellow-orange glow of the baby light that we use when we sleep. I reached behind the gate and opened it from the inside. I tapped on Nanay’s window thrice, and called out to her. She opened the back door for me. I hugged her tight. “Thank you Nay.”

In the pot was sinigang na hipon, my favourite of favourites. Everyone is asleep. We don’t have much to talk about anyway, maybe it doesn’t really matter. I need a couch to sleep on tonight.

I’m sorry. I love you too.

July 6, 2016 Wednesday

Today is Eid al Fitr.

No work today, so I went to SM Pampanga with S-. Actually I called her on Sunday even before it was officially announced. Got too excited at the prospect that I didn't verify the date. Good thing it worked out.

I slept 1:30 AM last night because of DotA and woke up 7:30 today. Left home at 8:00 AM, withdrew some money and ate breakfast at Treats.

I spent a lot of money today, but that doesn't matter really.

A brownout happened at Treats just as I was about to buy bottled water. So I just left, waited for the bus and arrived at The waiting shed around 9:40. Her dad drove us to Balanga, where we rode a bus to SM Pampanga.

We ate at Shakey's (she said she was craving for it when we passed by a Shakey's along the road) (Manager's choice thin crust regular and 3 pc chicken with mojos) and then we went to Sky Ranch and rode Space Shuttle (kinda rotating thing), Vikings, Loop coaster, Pampanga Eye, and Field coaster. The last one was supposed to be drop tower but she was dizzy from Vikings. (She gets dizzy on slow rides)

If I were objective I'd say it was very expensive and the rides were a little disappointing but idk I really really had fun with her haha. Just my bias.

And we talked about lots of things. About the dream, about her life, my life, anything and everything we thought about. I'd like to write it to record it but I think I'd keep it to myself.

I especially like it that I can share Bible stuff with her, like Eutychus falling asleep and the Samaritan woman having 6 ex's and 1 churot, and "do not awaken love until it so desires."

We went to Il Padrino and bought latte and iced tea talked some more. We left at around 5:30 and the bus left at 6. I was supposed to take her to alasasin but it was late already (7:30 and we are in Petron) and I know that there would be no bus that can take me home so I took my leave early and went to Meksicoffee. I met some friends there. I should note the departure time next time.

It's been a while since I last posted and this is all I'll talk about. Work stuff are a bit secret but it's fun.
 
I'm stupidly grinning here while typing all these, seriously. :))

April 23 2016, Saturday

Oh Lord. I cannot NOT write about this. It's a precious Saturday.

I went to Balanga early, arrived there at around 3 pm. Ate at KFC and read the Silmarillon. Then I walked along capitol ave and I figured I'd look for The Beanery, which is a good place, according to my research and previous recommendations from my friends. It was along the road and I also found Tetak's grill and Lou-is and another Japanese resto. And I walked around the city hall and I decided to rest and continue reading the Silmarillon. I waited until it was 5:40 then I stood by the nearby 7-11 of BPSU waiting for her.

She wasn't hungry yet so she decided we watch a movie (I didn't know there was a moviehouse there, she only heard it too) but the next showing was at 8-10 so we decided to scrap that and just bum around and watch the fountain before dinner. But since we're just gonna sit anyway I suggested we just sit inside Cafe Kyoto.

On our way up the servers told us we were just in time for the opening. They had to temporarily close for a while because of a party. When we got there we were the only ones, from beginning to end. It's like God reserved the whole place for us. Haha.

We talked about anything and everything and I won't write it here because I'll just keep it in my heart.

Then before we went home she bought a gift for her cousin in the department store and I bought some house stuff too.

Then we rode a trike to the highway and we rode a bus. She shut her eyes since she was tired and she was a little sick and oh Lord she's beautiful. She traced the veins in the back of my palm as we talked about IV.

I went with her until alas-asin and I didn't realize there's no bus to get me back home so they ended up driving me to Petron, their whole family, that is. Shame. Hahaha.

I am not used to being on the receiving end of grace from other people. It's the first time I realized what it means to owe love. And I'm sure now that I really like her.

April 10, 2016 Sunday

Night shift is fun so far. I would've thought I'd do worse but apparently I can adjust my body clock just fine.

All this talk with A- about personality tests spurred me to answer two in my favorite site similarminds.com

Career Inventory Test Results Extroversion ||||||||||||||||||||| 65% Emotional Stability ||||||||| 26% Orderliness |||||||||||||||||| 57% Accommodation ||||||||||||||||||||| 66% Inquisitiveness |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82% Your SLOAN personality type is SCOAN, people with your personality type are drawn to or more tolerant of the following careers - event planner, wedding planner, early childhood educator, child care worker, preschool teacher, secretary, hair stylist, event coordinator, receptionist, guidance counselor, home maker, social services worker, school counselor, beautician, office assistant, stay at home parent, social worker, make up artist, fashion industry, hair dresser, kindergarten teacher, school psychologist, administrative assistant, fashion merchandiser, stylist, counselor, public relations specialist, personal assistant, child psychologist, nanny, health care worker, elementary school teacher, cosmetologist, midwife, pediatric nurse, nurse practitioner, customer service employee, interior designer, office worker

Take Free Career Test
Personality Test by SimilarMinds.com

Enneagram Test Results Type 1 Perfectionism |||||||||||||||| 62% Type 2 Helpfulness |||||||||||||||| 66% Type 3 Image Focus |||||| 28% Type 4 Individualism |||||||||||||| 58% Type 5 Intellectualism |||||||||||||| 54% Type 6 Security Focus |||||||||||||| 54% Type 7 Adventurousness |||||||||||||| 54% Type 8 Aggressiveness |||||||||||| 48% Type 9 Calmness |||||||||||||||||| 76% Your main type is 9 Your variant is sexual

Take Free Advanced Enneagram Personality Test
Personality Test by SimilarMinds.com
 

I don't know what it means by sexual hahaha. But i guess it's not wrong.

Anyway, by God's grace I'm doing great! I am free from porn; not from temptation, but by God's grace alone (yes i have to repeat it) I can escape. Green jokes are a daily bread here, and it's hard not to laugh. But i will train myself not to, for there are things that one should laugh about and things that one should not. Somewhere in proverbs it says that the wicked laugh about doing evil. Non-verbatim of course.

They're not wicked people, by human standards. They're actually pretty good and helpful and all. But of course it's hard to judge based on that; you never know what a person really thinks. In any case I find them very agreeable.

I also change my stance about depravity. I mean, I still believe total depravity, but I also believe that God created man good. So there's no reason to be pessimistic, and there's every reason to believe that we need grace.

I have not given up my daily reading, nor physical exercise (karate, to be specific). I don't have much to tell, but perhaps the thing I have in mind right now is making a facebook page named "Word of Mouth" that puts side by side the modern equivalent of Bible sayings, especially Proverbs. Of course I also want to bring to light the difference between the Bible and modern thought.

In any case an example of is YOLO and "Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we will die." I notice a lot of these things during my reading but I have not taken note of them. The reading plan I follow goes through a chapter of proverbs a day anyway so I'll be able to do it. (Not that was not from proverbs but you get the point).

Yesterday was Dad's birthday and I called to greet him and of course he said thank you and take care and the usual eat a lot. We don't have much to talk about I guess. Parents don't usually talk to children about their lives anyway. It's queer; the parent-child relationship can perhaps be the most uninformed yet the closest too. There's something about just being together that makes a person know the other even though they don't actually know everything (like what they do or what they like and dislike and the little things). It doesn't always apply; knowing another person is always intentional. Just like knowing God

Also my shifting allowance will be enough to pay for my vow (that's 22k to missions). I made a vow when I was in high school and we were still in FTB, and I signed this envelope that said P20 a week and there was another that said P50 a week and I was never able to commit to that vow. Mama said it no longer holds but I know otherwise. After that I can give to my parents. And maybe I can make ligaw na (#conyo). Except wala pang liligawan.

It's hard to mingle with new people now, though I have friends that are girls but there's no one that I like enough. Like I tweeted, it's easy to like people. I like everyone (almost). The thing is I want to be friends first because of course what do you expect? Love at first sight? But like I said among my friends there's no one I like enough. There are people that I wouldn't mind, but that's not the same though.

Lately my fantasy is having it the other way around; the girl courting me (This is a remnant of the flesh I'm trying to kill). There's nothing wrong about that though, I mean the idea of the girl courting a guy (but fantasies are generally evil, because "whatever is true... think about such things."). Oftentimes I would be tempted at around 3 AM night shift, even while doing rounds inside the plant.

I'm going to write something about extreme Christianity and I will evaluate whether I should continue hobbies such as manga and LoL, and karate for that matter. The lattermost though, I don't think is evil. It's actually helping me a little in my walk with God.

March 30, 2016 Wednesday

It's been a while. I'm going to do shifting schedule starting on Friday, now that it's the Refinery's turnaround. That's 12 hours of work every day. I won't be going home for the whole of April.

H- asked if I'm courting L-. Told her it's a no, and for the same reason I didn't court C-. I'm not courting anyone yet. Didn't proceed to do so with S- too.

I talked this over with T- actually, and somehow I'm thinking I might be acting improperly toward her, as a friend. Anyway, the thing is I don't know what I want to do for life; how should I look for a life partner?

So much for that! I've been learning a lot and still underperforming though. Not sure I'm cut out for this xD oh well I'll just do my best; while avoiding overtime of course

February 20, 2015 Saturday

It's been a long, long while!!! I don't have a good internet connection in Bataan, not to mention I'm rather busy with extracurriculars. I tried badminton and table tennis for a few days but lately I've been spending time learning karate from master. I'm not going to forsake arnis, of course, it's just that this is more accessible at the moment. In fact, I'm going to bring my two sticks to Bataan tomorrow.

That said, we've been doing modules and a few errands as PE trainees. And I've been having fun so far.

Anyway, last Feb 13 S- texted me first. I have been texting every saturday for a few weeks and decided not to specifically on Feb 13, but voila! We'll also meet on Feb 25.

Will I court her? I don't know. Maybe. But recently my mind has been cleared up (thank God!!!). I know now what I'm looking for in a wife: someone to serve the Lord with. I knew this a few years ago but apparently it got muddled up after talking to C- for the last time. If I find that quality in S- then I might go for it. To be fair, I haven't seen that in anyone yet. I find people endearing and interesting, and I imagined myself serving C-, but I've never pictured myself standing side by side someone. Of course, service and love are part of romance but partnership; that's a different thing.

As I've been reading Sex and the Supremacy of Christ, I realized that these emotional attachments of mine (the summer moon, T-, and L-) are going to be a problem. I think it best to fix them before moving forward. But I am not really sure about that. In any case, it's more or less okay. I mean, I don't think it's a problem on their side anymore; it's more about my attitude toward others of the opposite sex.

Also the issue about Manny Pacquiao, I whipped up that note in a few minutes. I think it's good. Haha. N- dm'd me on twitter last night about it so I decided to write.