Different

I thought-
No, I hoped-
That this time,
Maybe it would be different

I wasn't.

October 23 2014 Thursday

Today the summer moon sets, yet the sun has not risen, and I am left alone in the darkness again. I enjoyed basking in that pale, gentle, white glow, thinking it would last forever. That was foolish of me, to hope for what I do not expect, forgetting that unfulfilled expectations become mere disappointments, but unfulfilled hopes become broken hearts. It seemed like just a short time, as if the passing of the summer moon across the night seemed like a shooting star. I wonder, are you feeling the same way too? Are you wondering why I never fought for you, why I never pursued you?

I could, but I won't, and I shouldn't. It's not like I'm your boyfriend already. And who will I fight against? If it was the devil, I would have fought for you with all my life. But the Word says, "Children, obey your parents." Will I fight against the Lord? It is not right for me to cause you to disobey our Lord.

Or do you not believe that God is good, that "all things work together for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose?" Do you not know that this, too, is grace? Do you think that He who gave us the precious blood of Christ would spare any blessing for us? No, our good Lord will not withhold anything good from us. So if He withholds you from me, then it simply means that I am not good for you. It hurts a lot, but it is for the best for you and so I will willingly let you go.

So here is a last letter for you, if you ever come across this journal to read it.



I really, really like you. You are that someone I could easily be in love with. Every night I stayed up just to text you, every little conversation that made no sense, every smiley you sent, and every secret you shared somehow pushed me to like you more and more, to the point that even without seeing each other, I've grown to miss you so badly these past 4 days.

I really like you, but I'm not quite in love with you either. I haven't made that decision yet. I'm not like others who "fall" in love uncontrollably, who become enamored at the first sight of your beauty. I am not like the others who would weigh their options first and choose the best for them, picking the one that could make them happiest, thinking that they're in love with that one when really they're in love with themselves.

I am the kind of person who would have to consciously yet irrationally decide that "ah, this is the girl I love." And I do that, so that beyond seeing how beautiful you are when you cry or when you smile, beyond the times I'm leaning on you and you comforting me, beyond the romantic moments of our early years, I could still say "I love you anyway." I have to choose to love so that when you fall and trip in the mud and I see your soul in the ugliest that it can be, so that when we live our daily lives together without a spark or even with a coldness on our shoulders and in our hearts I could still sincerely say, "I love you anyway."

But not yet. I won't; Not now. I have told you before, didn't I? I can't court yet because I have no money. As silly as that may sound, I am serious about spending my own money for courtship, for I will not offer sacrifices that cost me nothing. But more than that, I am still immature and I don't want you to share my burden of killing Mr. Hyde. Lastly, the Lord has not given His answer and blessing regarding these matters, and that is reason enough.

Those few weeks seemed like they will last an eternity, but so did these last four days. I have learned again that while you are God's gift for this short happy while, no one can be my happiness forever, except Christ alone. I pray that you will also learn that too.

I'll be waiting. I will keep you in my prayers. Until next time, if the Lord wills.

To You

This was originally posted in Facebook notes, viewable only to her.
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Naalala mo pa ba?
Ang mga katangahan ko?
Ang mga masasayang panahon,
Na magkasama tayo?
Pero itinanggi kita sa harap nila.
At itinanggi ko rin sa sarili ko.

Ngayon, wala na.
Lipas na ang pag-ibig mo
Kung nagkaron man.
Hanggang ngayon hindi ko alam,
At baka hindi na kailanman.
Pero wala naman akong paki
Kung minahal mo nga ako o hindi
Dahil sa tanga kong ito,
At sa bagal ng puso ko,
Baliw pa rin ako sa'yo.

Bukas, sana
Wag mo akong kalimutan.
Kahit isang dagli lang
Sa bawat taon
Sana maalala mo
Na minsan sa buhay mo
May nagmahal sa'yong isang tanga.
Dahil hinding-hindi ko malilimutan
Na minsan sa buhay ko
Minahal kita.

Kung sa hinaharap
Pwede na maging tayo
At pwede pa maging tayo
At hindi na ako tanga
Baka pwede ring
Magsimula ng panibago.
Pangako
Hinding-hindi na kita itatanggi,
At hinding-hindi na'ko mag-aalangan
Sabihin sa kanila
At sabihin sa iyo
At sabihin sa sarili ko
Mahal kita.

Impatient

I can learn;
It's one of the few things I can do.
I just needed someone to be patient,
Sadly it's not you.

Step

Once I thought I fell in love
'Cause I was happy to see her smile
Happy to see her, even just to hear her
But suddenly, I realized

This is not love.

For to love a woman is to step into a world
Not your own, nor hers alone
Ever to be here, ever to be there
Even in hell for an unlikely pair

I fell in love, not with her,
But with the happiness that she brought
A happiness fleeting, like a shadow passing
Now gone forever. And so I thought

This is not love.

For to love a woman is to step into her world
To leave your own, never to return
Ever to remain, ever to share
Her tears and pain in a life unfair

This is love.

To love a woman is to step into her world
To abandon heaven and live on earth
To give your life in exchange for hers
And spend eternal life together

To love at all is to jump across
The chasm of worry and fear of loss
To leave the past and consider it gone
To step into a world of two souls made one

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"This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins."

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Thanks Ira for helping me with the final touch

Milankovitch

As the earth tilts its axis
 Do tides know they're changing
 The curves of the shoreline?
 That the curves of smiles and frowns
 Change with every crash
 Of the tears on my cheek
 When I think of the past.

As the earth wobbles slowly
 Does the wind know it's different,
 That it's no longer the same breeze?
 That when I stand by this beach
 It's no longer your scent
 That blows on my face
 Whenever I breathe.

It might take forever,
 But little by little,
 The world is changing.
 I am missing you less

As the earth changes its circle
 Around its only sun
 It'll be a little bit hotter
 Or maybe a little bit colder
 Now that it's a solitary beach
 It's no longer the same,
 And I'm no longer the same.

As the earth spins, uncaring
 Do mountains know they crumble?
 Do continents know they move?
 Do seasons know they're changing,
 Along with my love for you?

It might take forever,
 But little by litttle,
 My world is changing.
 And I am missing you less.

October 4 2014 Tuesday

Today I'm really pissed. Part of it is carried over from yesterday. My mother was being extremely annoying, getting real mad about every little thing. The moment I wake up she's scolding me for not wearing slippers, and then scolds me later for studying Spanish (duolingo), and then blames me at noon because the buckets in the bathroom weren't filled. Anyway, that was yesterday and I forgot most of it, but admittedly some of the mood still remained until today.

So today I went to L's house and I wasted four hours of my life there. She just disregarded everything I said and everything I did. She is obviously wrong but she never admits it. Not to mention that she knew I don't eat pork but did not give an alternative. Good thing I thought of it in advanced. God give me patience.