Today the summer moon sets, yet the sun has not risen, and I am left alone in the darkness again. I enjoyed basking in that pale, gentle, white glow, thinking it would last forever. That was foolish of me, to hope for what I do not expect, forgetting that unfulfilled expectations become mere disappointments, but unfulfilled hopes become broken hearts. It seemed like just a short time, as if the passing of the summer moon across the night seemed like a shooting star. I wonder, are you feeling the same way too? Are you wondering why I never fought for you, why I never pursued you?
I could, but I won't, and I shouldn't. It's not like I'm your boyfriend already. And who will I fight against? If it was the devil, I would have fought for you with all my life. But the Word says, "Children, obey your parents." Will I fight against the Lord? It is not right for me to cause you to disobey our Lord.
Or do you not believe that God is good, that "all things work together for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose?" Do you not know that this, too, is grace? Do you think that He who gave us the precious blood of Christ would spare any blessing for us? No, our good Lord will not withhold anything good from us. So if He withholds you from me, then it simply means that I am not good for you. It hurts a lot, but it is for the best for you and so I will willingly let you go.
So here is a last letter for you, if you ever come across this journal to read it.
I really, really like you. You are that someone I could easily be in love with. Every night I stayed up just to text you, every little conversation that made no sense, every smiley you sent, and every secret you shared somehow pushed me to like you more and more, to the point that even without seeing each other, I've grown to miss you so badly these past 4 days.
I really like you, but I'm not quite in love with you either. I haven't made that decision yet. I'm not like others who "fall" in love uncontrollably, who become enamored at the first sight of your beauty. I am not like the others who would weigh their options first and choose the best for them, picking the one that could make them happiest, thinking that they're in love with that one when really they're in love with themselves.
I am the kind of person who would have to consciously yet irrationally decide that "ah, this is the girl I love." And I do that, so that beyond seeing how beautiful you are when you cry or when you smile, beyond the times I'm leaning on you and you comforting me, beyond the romantic moments of our early years, I could still say "I love you anyway." I have to choose to love so that when you fall and trip in the mud and I see your soul in the ugliest that it can be, so that when we live our daily lives together without a spark or even with a coldness on our shoulders and in our hearts I could still sincerely say, "I love you anyway."
But not yet. I won't; Not now. I have told you before, didn't I? I can't court yet because I have no money. As silly as that may sound, I am serious about spending my own money for courtship, for I will not offer sacrifices that cost me nothing. But more than that, I am still immature and I don't want you to share my burden of killing Mr. Hyde. Lastly, the Lord has not given His answer and blessing regarding these matters, and that is reason enough.
Those few weeks seemed like they will last an eternity, but so did these last four days. I have learned again that while you are God's gift for this short happy while, no one can be my happiness forever, except Christ alone. I pray that you will also learn that too.
I'll be waiting. I will keep you in my prayers. Until next time, if the Lord wills.
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