Today is the beginning of a new month. It seems fitting.
First of all I've realized some things. I tried to embrace myself, who I really am, what I really want. I had denied myself of some pleasures, trying to make myself feel guilty when I really don't. And you know what, I realized what makes my heart beat. I realized that these pleasures I denied myself were actually really useless things. They taste like cardboard in the face of this that makes my heart beat. With this, everything becomes enjoyable. The wind, the songs, the sun, the sky, the world.
Worship. That's what makes my heart beat.
And I have to fight for it. That wonderful, good feeling. That joy that pervades even through the most unlikely of times, the most unlikely of places.
In another note, M- really wanted to keep distance this time. So I didn't say anything just let it be since it's also good for her. But I'm a little sad about it. A little.
There's also an upcoming wedding of my close friend C-. I realized i'm going to meet her again, and i don't know what I really feel. There's something still, but not really the same as before. Anyway, we'll see.
I've also been writing about the Bloodstone. It sucks, but it's a start haha. I suppose it's pretty much inspired by wuxia genre, but it's not a true wuxia. So it doesn't really fit into any category. That means it has no audience yet. That means it also has potential to be a new thing. Although I don't really care, I just want to write it.
That's all for today. About studying new languages, I realized I d not have the time to study so many things at the same time. So right now i just focus on karate. Master is about to retire and I want to maximize the lessons I have.
I am fairly proficient on the 21 sets of the nunchucks, and it's fairly easy to convert from there to application. Although of course it needs a lot of practice to make it really mine, especially with the footwork and transitions to defense. It's basically cadenilla, to be honest. With this, I'll be able to progress fairly fast in my arnis.
I also still practice arnis. I'm trying to be able to do the basic stuff (13 basic strikes, 12 defenses, bigay-tama, 12 methods, 5 doblada blahblah (don't know what it's called, but I think it's from another style not inherently from LSci))- I'm trying to do all these on both hands with fair proficiency. Of course I'm still right-handed, and I learned from karate that that's something you have to accept. That means although you can still perform the basics on the other hand, in real combat you would need to make that other hand specialize in other things.
Like a knife, in espada y daga. But that's still a far away level for me. Especially since I'm practicing on my own.
Saturday, July 1, 2017
Sunday, June 18, 2017
June 18, 2016 Sunday
Hey, it's been a while. A LOT of stuff happened, and I have time tonight so I will write them all down. I still write a little on my personal notebook.
Today, I'm pretty sad. It's been like this for a few days now. I feel empty and without purpose. I suppose this is a backlash of neglecting my soul, in favor of reading I Shall Seal The Heavens. It's a long wuxia novel, pretty good I must say. I also indulged myself a lot lately, and I am a huge wreck right now.
So the last thing I posted here was on December 8 last year. Long story short, I asked F- out but she turned me down. She's busy with studies, I understand. And then during the course of the year M- and I got a little close and she confessed to me. I saw that coming, I must admit but you know how I blatantly ignore the signs because I do not want to assume things, just like what happened with C- back in highschool. Anyway I turned her down. Yes, it'sad. I don't regret it though. And then I- also told me she liked me before, but that's a long time ago so yeah.
Why am I saying this? I don't know. To boost my ego maybe? I don't really know what I want anymore. M- meets the criterion, passes for a lot in the ideal. I just don't know.
Okay, I know why. Because that's not me. I am not the man I think I am. I am not godly at all, just a repressed guy who thinks Christianity is good and tries to be someone else.
So this is me. The real me; the 'unsaved' me. I will tell all my fantasies today.
I want to do something great. I want to accomplish something. I want to be successful, someone people can look up to. But I tell myself those things are pointless. They are not important at all, if you look at eternity. That it is a sin of pride! But no really, I want to be great.
I want a beautiful woman. I want to feel the thrill of romance. I want to get married to a doctor. No it's not a fetish don't ask. But I tell myself that's not real love. That it is the sin of lust. And the sin of pride. It is unfair to the woman, for I love her according to my ideals.
There. I said it. I just want to give vent to my feelings.
We had this huge turnaround at the refinery. I don't want to stay here anymore. The managers here do not seem to think of anything but money. Heck, it's a company value called 'business orientation.' Fuck that, it's just capitalism. Health, Safety, and Environment aren't given proper attention. It's only when there's issues that they do, and it's only just to cover up the issues.
They don't give a shit about their people. The system is all messed up and no one seems to notice. The "pabibos" are rewarded. Hell man, if you can't reward the quiet ones you're damn sure they don't give a shit.
Well, it will work out for them. They WILL earn money that much I can say. I mean, that's what they do. But they have no soul. Safety first and envi shit and vision shitter are all lipservice
My soul is being sucked out in here.
I have a lot more to say but I just can't think. It's all jumbled up right now.
M- must be seething mad right now because I just straight up vanished. I can see it in her fb posts. I don't really want to explain. I don't have the obligation.
I feel sad. That's all. I don't want to start talking to anyone. So yeah. I always do the probing so it's not so bad to take some time off it.
I don't have many friends. I mean sure I can be friends have some fun but there is always this part of me that's different. And it's basically a huge chunk. That's why I don't have best friends, because best friends by definition almost always shares for your interest. And my interests are so varied and so shallow that they do not penetrate to my soul.
Today, I'm pretty sad. It's been like this for a few days now. I feel empty and without purpose. I suppose this is a backlash of neglecting my soul, in favor of reading I Shall Seal The Heavens. It's a long wuxia novel, pretty good I must say. I also indulged myself a lot lately, and I am a huge wreck right now.
So the last thing I posted here was on December 8 last year. Long story short, I asked F- out but she turned me down. She's busy with studies, I understand. And then during the course of the year M- and I got a little close and she confessed to me. I saw that coming, I must admit but you know how I blatantly ignore the signs because I do not want to assume things, just like what happened with C- back in highschool. Anyway I turned her down. Yes, it'sad. I don't regret it though. And then I- also told me she liked me before, but that's a long time ago so yeah.
Why am I saying this? I don't know. To boost my ego maybe? I don't really know what I want anymore. M- meets the criterion, passes for a lot in the ideal. I just don't know.
Okay, I know why. Because that's not me. I am not the man I think I am. I am not godly at all, just a repressed guy who thinks Christianity is good and tries to be someone else.
So this is me. The real me; the 'unsaved' me. I will tell all my fantasies today.
I want to do something great. I want to accomplish something. I want to be successful, someone people can look up to. But I tell myself those things are pointless. They are not important at all, if you look at eternity. That it is a sin of pride! But no really, I want to be great.
I want a beautiful woman. I want to feel the thrill of romance. I want to get married to a doctor. No it's not a fetish don't ask. But I tell myself that's not real love. That it is the sin of lust. And the sin of pride. It is unfair to the woman, for I love her according to my ideals.
There. I said it. I just want to give vent to my feelings.
We had this huge turnaround at the refinery. I don't want to stay here anymore. The managers here do not seem to think of anything but money. Heck, it's a company value called 'business orientation.' Fuck that, it's just capitalism. Health, Safety, and Environment aren't given proper attention. It's only when there's issues that they do, and it's only just to cover up the issues.
They don't give a shit about their people. The system is all messed up and no one seems to notice. The "pabibos" are rewarded. Hell man, if you can't reward the quiet ones you're damn sure they don't give a shit.
Well, it will work out for them. They WILL earn money that much I can say. I mean, that's what they do. But they have no soul. Safety first and envi shit and vision shitter are all lipservice
My soul is being sucked out in here.
I have a lot more to say but I just can't think. It's all jumbled up right now.
M- must be seething mad right now because I just straight up vanished. I can see it in her fb posts. I don't really want to explain. I don't have the obligation.
I feel sad. That's all. I don't want to start talking to anyone. So yeah. I always do the probing so it's not so bad to take some time off it.
I don't have many friends. I mean sure I can be friends have some fun but there is always this part of me that's different. And it's basically a huge chunk. That's why I don't have best friends, because best friends by definition almost always shares for your interest. And my interests are so varied and so shallow that they do not penetrate to my soul.
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