Hey, it's been a while. A LOT of stuff happened, and I have time tonight so I will write them all down. I still write a little on my personal notebook.
Today, I'm pretty sad. It's been like this for a few days now. I feel empty and without purpose. I suppose this is a backlash of neglecting my soul, in favor of reading I Shall Seal The Heavens. It's a long wuxia novel, pretty good I must say. I also indulged myself a lot lately, and I am a huge wreck right now.
So the last thing I posted here was on December 8 last year. Long story short, I asked F- out but she turned me down. She's busy with studies, I understand. And then during the course of the year M- and I got a little close and she confessed to me. I saw that coming, I must admit but you know how I blatantly ignore the signs because I do not want to assume things, just like what happened with C- back in highschool. Anyway I turned her down. Yes, it'sad. I don't regret it though. And then I- also told me she liked me before, but that's a long time ago so yeah.
Why am I saying this? I don't know. To boost my ego maybe? I don't really know what I want anymore. M- meets the criterion, passes for a lot in the ideal. I just don't know.
Okay, I know why. Because that's not me. I am not the man I think I am. I am not godly at all, just a repressed guy who thinks Christianity is good and tries to be someone else.
So this is me. The real me; the 'unsaved' me. I will tell all my fantasies today.
I want to do something great. I want to accomplish something. I want to be successful, someone people can look up to. But I tell myself those things are pointless. They are not important at all, if you look at eternity. That it is a sin of pride! But no really, I want to be great.
I want a beautiful woman. I want to feel the thrill of romance. I want to get married to a doctor. No it's not a fetish don't ask. But I tell myself that's not real love. That it is the sin of lust. And the sin of pride. It is unfair to the woman, for I love her according to my ideals.
There. I said it. I just want to give vent to my feelings.
We had this huge turnaround at the refinery. I don't want to stay here anymore. The managers here do not seem to think of anything but money. Heck, it's a company value called 'business orientation.' Fuck that, it's just capitalism. Health, Safety, and Environment aren't given proper attention. It's only when there's issues that they do, and it's only just to cover up the issues.
They don't give a shit about their people. The system is all messed up and no one seems to notice. The "pabibos" are rewarded. Hell man, if you can't reward the quiet ones you're damn sure they don't give a shit.
Well, it will work out for them. They WILL earn money that much I can say. I mean, that's what they do. But they have no soul. Safety first and envi shit and vision shitter are all lipservice
My soul is being sucked out in here.
I have a lot more to say but I just can't think. It's all jumbled up right now.
M- must be seething mad right now because I just straight up vanished. I can see it in her fb posts. I don't really want to explain. I don't have the obligation.
I feel sad. That's all. I don't want to start talking to anyone. So yeah. I always do the probing so it's not so bad to take some time off it.
I don't have many friends. I mean sure I can be friends have some fun but there is always this part of me that's different. And it's basically a huge chunk. That's why I don't have best friends, because best friends by definition almost always shares for your interest. And my interests are so varied and so shallow that they do not penetrate to my soul.
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