Sadness

There are days when you’re just sad, that even the heat of the brightest sunshine masked by the coolest breeze could not penetrate the skin to reach and cheer the soul. There are days when even the most majestic crashing of the waterfalls accompanied by the sweetest chirping of the birds and crickets and forest critters sound like TV static against the unthinkable turmoil of the mind. There are days when the kindest acts of service, the most concerned “how are you?”, and the gentlest touch prick the wounds of a dying heart.

There are days that for no reason, we just want to give up: stop working, stop thinking, stop talking – for absolutely no reason we want to do absolutely nothing at all. Some days we just want to die, maybe just for a day or two.

Today is one of them.

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I don’t know. Maybe you’re right. Maybe I just want to know who really cares, who would stay in the midst of this despair, or who would be foolish enough to stick with me even when I drive them away. But sometimes it’s not a matter of who cares, for surely someone does even just a little; nor is it a matter of who cares enough; sometimes it’s a matter of not knowing how. And I am afraid to tell them not because they don’t ask, but because they might not.

If I asked you to stay without talking, without even listening – just silently staying by my side for hours and hours on end while I sit and walk and think of nothing and everything at the same time, would you do it for me? If I woke you up from your snug slumber at 2 am but had nothing to say, would you hold the phone to your ear and listen to me breathe, or would you just pretend to be there while you fall asleep? It’s stupid, I know, but that’s what I feel, what I want, maybe what I need. I’m stupid, I know, but some days I’m just sad. Some days I just want to do nothing at all, except maybe die for a day or two. Today is one of them. Today, maybe I need you to stay.

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It’s almost funny that the word “sad” is a pretty sad existence. Do you know how sadness has always been underrated? It’s the one thing nobody wants. It’s so quickly forgotten, so hastily avoided, not just as an emotion but even as a word because of its lack of ‘power.’ It’s true; sad isn’t as powerful as depressed, sorrowful, dejected, despairing, heartbroken, gloomy, melancholic, woeful, and perhaps a hundred more words each a different shade of sad.

Sadness, after all, is defined as the opposite of happiness. Younger brothers know how hard it is to be always compared to the firstborn. Talents, looks, attitude – they are always living in the shadow of their kuya. Sino mas magaling sa inyo? (Which one of you is better?) Kamukha mo kuya mo! (You look like your brother!) Ba’t di mo gayahin kuya mo? (Why don’t you emulate your brother?). All their childhood, they live like this. But the sadness of sad is more than that: Imagine being defined by your enemy and antithesis from time immemorial until time undatable. It never becomes about you; it’s always about him. And you would always be known as not him. Sad is worse than a shadow, it’s not even a void; it is a negative, always defined by its opposite, always known by what it’s not.

But sometimes – no, oftentimes, it’s the word that we use to describe our feelings. Oftentimes we’re not depressed, nor sorrowful, nor dejected, nor whatever, because oftentimes we’re none of the above except just plain sad. It’s ever-present yet ever-unwanted. So the next time that you’re sad, appreciate its existence even just a little – squint your eyes and curve up your lips a bit, because even smiles know sadness too.