January 30, 2016 Saturday

Today is the last day here at home. I'll be coming back during weekends but of course it's not the same.

Mom meddled again with my money, and so I lost the P100 bill that lola gave me. She even had the guts to say "sulatan mo na lang uli." I hate that. No matter, she'll grow old and she'll realize what she's done.

I know this is not a good way to part but I think in the back of my mind I've always resented them for all the "don'ts" (ehem Alaminos). I've been looking forward to this freedom, and I think I know what responsibility it entails. I'll see it myself on Monday, but I really want to do things on my own for a while now. A really, really long while.

Of course I've forgiven them but the effect of 21 smothered years is very hard to change. I mean, it's rather ingrained in me now, this... forgiven resentment. Which means I need to work on it. I think I've been a good son in general but I just don't know why they prefer my brother who's more disobedient.

They do a lot of good things to me, I know, and I appreciate that. It's just that everything has always been on their terms. They give what they think is good, and never consider mine. That's why I've given up on saying what I want for a long time now. They would always ask, yes, but if I answer, they'd say what they think and then argue that theirs is better. And so we always go with their decision, even in personal things like eating or whatever. I don't like it that I always have to argue with them in order to get what I want. God has convicted me to obey my parents. And at the very least, what I did is pleasing to Him.

Ask and you shall receive. To God perhaps yes, but not here in the house.

Of course it's a different issue at work. I need to assert myself since it's only I who will look after myself. Let's be realistic; the company will only always look after itself.

The bottom line is I'm looking forward to freedom and responsibility. This is to remind myself of the precious freedom, whenever I find it hard to bear those responsibilities.

January 29, 2015 Friday

Today I could not go to Alaminos. I asked quite a number of times for it but my parents still won't allow me. I mean, I don't usually ask for things, but when I do it's turned down. And I think that's sad: sadder than not being able to go to Alaminos with my friends.

They say I'd get tired, but then if I always reason that out then I'd never get to travel. What kind of reason is that?

Well, no matter. Once I start working I won't have to ask permission. I won't even tell them. (There's no point in doing so)

There has been an issue about my co-scholars ranting on fb about the HR. They're all true, actually. But then this supervisor butts in and says it's not proper to say that and all. I think that's stupid, because they do not listen to criticism properly. What kind of employer is that? No wonder everyone is leaving. Granted, it's not a proper platform too. But the supervisor did not address that either; it's more of a power struggle. He simply asserted that "you owe us."

As for me, I will work as if working for the Lord, and not for men. That does not mean I will treat them as if they were God, for there is only one God and one Lord over all: Jesus the Christ. It only means that I will do my best, act justly, love mercy, walk humbly, and pray unceasingly to God that He will satisfy my thirst for righteousness. Commit all vengeance to Him, for it is His alone. It is not the Christian's job to avenge.

I believe that He will bring justice it swiftly.

And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?

Anyway, remember that "You [Pilate] could have no power at all against Me unless it had been given you from above." This of course applies to any authority. And should they also abuse and deliver me to the cross, God can raise me up from the dead and glorify me, just as He did to Jesus. I'm speaking figuratively of course, but it also works literally. (I am telling this to myself, obviously. There's no one to talk to here.)

It is a good thing that recently I have been constantly in reading the Bible and reducing time in useless things like LoL. This is all by the grace of God. I need to be even more committed and dedicated to the Word when I stay there alone.

The Sovereignty of God

“Why are you doing this, Cain?” It was not a question of curiosity. Neither was it a question of a prey stalling for time, looking for escapes. Huddled in a corner, he knew that no one could save him from that pointed gun.

“You can still turn back,” he continued. It was the question of a man trying to convince his brother.

“No, I can’t,” Cain replied.

“Yes you can,” he pleaded.

“The author made me this way,” Cain’s void, callous eyes stared back at him.

“You don’t know that.”

“Yes, I do. I chose to.” Cain pulled the trigger.

---------------------------------------------

It’s been a while since I’ve last pondered about this, so long ago that I have lost the awe of this great realization. Recently, a very good thing has happened to me and I would like to go back to this. If you are struggling with this idea then I suggest you still think about this on your own, since it’s always so different when you realize it yourself.

If you are a theologically-inclined person then you would first probably ask, “are you a Calvinist or an Arminian?” And to that I answer, “I am a Christian; I would rather not be called by another name.” But with regard to doctrine, I agree with Calvin. Some would say it is a pointless thing to argue about these things because they’re not ‘fundamental,’ but personally this has probably been my greatest source of awe and comfort.

What are Arminianism and Calvinism? There are five main points of each camp and you can just read what they mean here if you want: http://www.fivesolas.com/cal_arm.htm

Anyway, comparing and contrasting these two thoughts has a danger of exclusivity (that is, excluding one idea from the other, or saying that they cannot coexist). But the general train of thought is this:

Arminianism – Humans choose whether to believe God or not. God predestines to heaven those He foreknew will choose Him. Consequently, if one loses faith then they lose their salvation.

Calvinism – Christ’s death on the cross is not for everyone, but only to those who are and will be called by the Holy Spirit. God predestines who will believe and who will not, for reasons that are known only to Him. Since God predestines who will believe, then consequently one cannot lose their salvation.

(There are a lot more things than that, but this is the shortest summary where I can show the conflict.)

Depravity

Now at first glance Arminianism makes much more sense. Wouldn’t that be a cruel God, to send humans to hell? That would be so unfair of Him, to send some to heaven and damn others to hell!

Perhaps this is the greatest objection to the sovereignty of God. But it is a funny thing to say, to measure God with human standards. But there is an underlying assumption here; that humans don’t deserve hell. And that is where Christians differ. Humans don’t deserve heaven. You would hear it over and over again; in the beginning of good news is bad news:

“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”

“There is no one righteous, not even one”

(Here’s John Piper on it http://www.monergism.com/thethreshold/articles/piper/depravity.html if you want more verses haha)

Of course, this doesn’t mean that everyone is so evil like they’re on drugs all the time and killing children and raping women and robbing banks and all that. It means that even “our righteous acts are like filthy rags” in God’s sight. When I am terribly hungry you can give me a donut and I as a fellow hungry man would think that what you did is good. But even the purest acts of kindness like that look wicked in God’s sight. God is holy, and that holiness is very difficult to grasp in our modern relativistic world.

Election

Humans have freewill. But on his own, man will never choose God. “There is no one righteous, not even one... There is no one who seeks God.” Jesus himself says, “No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws them.” Humans don’t deserve heaven; left on their own they will never choose God. Even if God sent everyone (including me of course) to hell He wouldn’t have been wrong.

Now I know that this is an extreme assertion: that man, left alone, is totally depraved. After all, we would rather believe that children are tabula rasa. But we have no way of proving that, although it might interest you to read up on the very rare cases of feral children. So again, it boils down to whether you believe in the Bible or not.

Yet God gave heaven Himself. Christ died on the cross. In the same chapter (John 6) the Christ says, “Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.” And the beauty of it all: “whoever comes to me I will never drive away.”

Who then, does the Father draw near? Does He call everyone, or only a chosen few? How does He choose them? In Romans 9 the apostle Paul quotes, “I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion. It does not, therefore, depend on human desire or effort, but on God’s mercy.” Then he takes it to its natural conclusion: “Therefore God has mercy on whom he wants to have mercy, and he hardens whom he wants to harden.”

Responsibility

God hardens whom he wants to harden. He sends to hell those he wants to send to hell. And He sends to heaven those He wants to send to heaven. What a whimsical God! The apostle knew this, and so he continued, “One of you will say to me: “Then why does God still blame us? For who is able to resist his will?”

To this the apostle Paul says, “But who are you, a human being, to talk back to God?... Does not the potter have power over the clay, from the same lump to make one vessel for honor and another for dishonor?” He has every right to do whatever to His creation.

“What if God, although choosing to show his wrath and make his power known, bore with great patience the objects of his wrath... What if he did this to make the riches of his glory known to the objects of his mercy?” What ifs. Even Paul could not comprehend the depth of God’s reasons.

Sovereignty and Free Will

Is God Sovereign? Does He control everything?

And not one of them [sparrow] falls to the ground apart from your Father’s will.

The king’s heart is in the hand of the Lord, Like the rivers of water; He turns it wherever He wishes.

If He controls everything including our choices, then is it really our choice?

http://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/is-god-sovereign-over-my-free-will

No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord.

Yes. And our choices have consequences. We have free will, but we are slaves. Once slaves to sin, and now to righteousness.

8

January 23, 2015 Saturday

Today I remembered something! I forgot that there's YBF today and also have not informed david of feb 1. I need to fix my scheduling. It's a shame really.

Well I remembered that I liked S- even before in elem especially in grade 6 and I texted her when I got a phone and ended up using all the initial load (apparently I had the wrong number). It all faded away soon, childish things. Haha. And then I remembered that I want someone who is not proud/can listen. I still haven't checked my old posts.

I played LoL and lost because of PLDC.

I am going to start a reading plan. I also need to fix my life.

January 22, 2015 Friday

I was thinking about it this morning and I realized it's not a daisy. It's a sampaguita (which, by the way, is my favorite flower: simple and fragrant and lovely). I realized I didn't know what a daisy is. I'll look it up when I have internet.

And then I think Chan took home my charger accidentally. I had to charge my phone on Don's laptop via USB cable. I asked later this night and she doesn't have it. I'm having mild trust issues again so I won't be lending stuff to anyone for now. (Along with the usual symptoms of trust issues)

Sir Kermit graciously offered us a ride to the refinery this morning and we arrived at the gate at 7:00 and waited until 7:15 to be allowed entry (apparently the guards weren't informed) and talked to the SLU boys a little and bought some food (I bought spanish sardines and egg. There was no meat loaf) (yes I know some say meat loaf is pork but fried meat loaf is a different story. I like the accidentally overfried thin slices of meat loaf of nanay)

And right now it's 8:00 and I brushed my teeth and finished eating already and nothing has happened yet.

I recycled my clothes from wednesday (even my brief from yesterday) (I didn't have a choice, okay?).

I spent all 2k of my money. Don owes me 2^7 pesos.

Interview with VP was uhh more of an orientation. He's saying it's more than just a job it's a career mostly. Well that's a good perspective. But I should look at it as: "wherever God planted me, there I will do my best and bloom"

I'm craving for intimacyyyy. That's why I'm writing again here, to let some steam off. I think that's why I'm seriously considering panliligaw right now. It's not bad though, but if I get sidetracked (again) because of this then I won't continue. All the seeds of pride and lust in my daydreams are creeping in again, and I don't want that.

I was about to talk to the star but she got me first haha. I also gave her good advice re:life purpose. I hope she really thinks about it, and realize what 'Lord' in Lord Jesus really means.

I want to reevaluate the things in panliligaw, since I'm almost ready. I don't offer sacrifices that cost me nothing, but I'll be employed soon, so I'd have the means of doing that.

Criteria!
1. Follower of Christ ( Non-negotiable)
2. Maalaga/responsible
3. Maganda
4. Nag-iisip/natututo
5. Partner-material

I'd have to look at my previous posts too. Is #3 bad? I've been thinking about it and I think it's not. I mean, I can now appreciate almost all kinds of beauty. Beauty is 70% effort and 30% preference. Haha. Idk. I'll still think about it. I mean, I have friends who just don't like magpaganda. And they're great people. Also excessive obssessive regimens are a no-no.

But I also just want a lovely life. Song of Solomon agrees, 'no?

#5 is a bit vague but you know I want to do something!! That community thing. And I want someone who'd help me. I'm still planning it out.

But most importantly have to keep myself grounded on God and His Word. If God ever gives me direction then go I will. But as of now I'll be moving according to my plans.

Of course this means I'll need to put extra effort on how I look. I'll work on it when I get money. Braces are so expensive!! Also perfume and fashion and haircuts and also special attention to my chin and body pimples. Hahahaha. I want to be presentable to my wife too!!!

Future wife. I'm getting ahead of myself.

January 21, 2015 Thursday

Today I am terribly annoyed. I have been waiting for the interview with VP FPY since yesterday wednesday morning. The company cannot schedule properly. On the first day only five girls and five boys were interviewed (those who were also given access to the guesthouse except Harry) (us from manila weren't given access to the guesthouse). We did absolutely nothing that day (except x-ray pala which took like 10 minutes). And then today we also almost did nothing again, because they didn't even want to do blood extraction of the guys. I mean wtf man!! What's an extra few minutes of extracting blood? It didn't even take long. And then right now we weren't allowed entry to the housing facility even just to hangout (the guards didn't even try to verify our identities. bullshit.)  (Limay is in a blackout and our apartment has no electricity. It's 8 PM and we have nothing to do and we probably can't sleep. The apartment looks like a haunted house but I didn't see anything)

On the outside I might seem cool with it but I don't like what I 'm seeing right now and I think I deserve better as a human being. I don't think I'll stay long.

Perhaps the only saving grace that I have is that I spent some time with S- Tuesday afternoon. I got a look inside GN Powerplant and it's a very lovely place with a clean clear pool and a view overlooking Corregidor and a fish pond (and at least I know where to go to church when I'm here on Sundays). S- is also now a very fine woman haha. She's very responsible and accomodating and kind (what else'd you expect from a nurse though) Also very lovely, like a daisy. Apparently she's quite popular there (not a surprise). Her voice even on the phone is cool and relaxing. I'm not sure actually how to describe it but that's the effect on me. Much like D-'s voice. Maybe a bit more talkative haha. The most interesting thing maybe was that she was so focused telling her stories about patients in mental that she couldn't hear her sister calling her. Idk why but I find that interesting. Recalling that now makes me feel a lot better. It's also really good to reminisce our days together in elementary.

Don and I decided to walk to and fro from villa leonor to BRC and the first was a success (took us 30 minutes). And then we chatted with them from 9:00 until 10:30 and it was fun. Then we went back walking and met one rabid dog which we successfully ignored. But the road downward from NGCP we encountered 3 rabid dogs and decided to turn back and wait for a trike. Unfortunately all were full. Then this guy on an owner asked us and I asked if we can hitch a ride to villa leonor and he gave us a go. He was drunk and I was a bit scared to be honest especially when he moved past our house but thankfully he slowed down and turned back and dropped us off properly. He also works in Petron as a skilled worker and he had a drink with his friends and he owns this lumber house in front of NGCP. And his name is kuya Junjun (or jungjung). And I think I want to pay him a visit and return the favor one of these days.

If I get married here in Bataan then I don't mind staying. (Not necessarily to S. It's just a general statement.) Given that the company treats me better and that God does not call me somewhere else.