August 31, 2016 Wednesday

I moved a bit to the personal notebook. Many of my deeper thoughts especially regarding the future will be there. In any case, I'll still post here once in a while if I manage to write something.

August 29, 2016 Monday

Today is a holiday.

Some more personality tests

Cerebral Personality Test Results

58% Cerebral

Scoring highly suggests you are likely to be very inquisitive, exploring, scientific, contemplative, self-examining, and philosophical. Low scorers, will generally tend towards the opposite of the above. They will tend to be more conventional, less curious and analytical, less focused on the big picture / global variables, and more comfortable identifying as part of maintream culture.

Career Inventory Test Results Extroversion |||||||||||||||||| 59% Emotional Stability |||||||||||| 38% Orderliness |||||||||||||||||| 57% Accommodation |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74% Inquisitiveness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 71% Your SLOAN personality type is SCOAN, people with your personality type are drawn to or more tolerant of the following careers - event planner, wedding planner, early childhood educator, child care worker, preschool teacher, secretary, hair stylist, event coordinator, receptionist, guidance counselor, home maker, social services worker, school counselor, beautician, office assistant, stay at home parent, social worker, make up artist, fashion industry, hair dresser, kindergarten teacher, school psychologist, administrative assistant, fashion merchandiser, stylist, counselor, public relations specialist, personal assistant, child psychologist, nanny, health care worker, elementary school teacher, cosmetologist, midwife, pediatric nurse, nurse practitioner, customer service employee, interior designer, office worker

Take Free Career Test
Personality Test by SimilarMinds.com

Maslow Inventory Results

Physiological Needs (17%) you appear to have everything you need to survive physically. Safety Needs (60%) you appear to have an adequately secure environment. Love Needs (60%) you appear to be semi-content with the quality of your social connections. Esteem Needs (57%) you appear to have a medium level of skill competence. Self-Actualization (68%) you appear to have a high level of individual development.

Take Free Maslow Inventory Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

I really enjoyed my vacation :) I didn't really think of the work issue anymore. I dropped to Platinum 3 though, but I had fun.

August 26, 2016 Friday

Today my heart sank.

I spearheaded the dessicant changeout of one of our new dryers because of the recent high pressure drop issue. It is a long weekend (vacation until monday) and I was really looking forward to it. I was travelling home, sitting quietly in the bus when I received three texts from our outgoing OE that one of the critical units is on shutdown because of my dryer. Turns out it wasn't because of the dryer. At least based on the trend.

A lot of things went through my mind. The Lord is good. The Lord is sovereign.

At least I have decided that I will not stay, because I do not want to be on call. It would be difficult for my future family.

Anyway I'm gonna sleep tight now. :) Good night!

August 17, 2016 Wednesday

Today I did a lot of things at work.

I forewent my weight training, compiling for the dream, and stock market study in favor of finishing the BPSec questions. I have no reference / guide as to the kind of questions I will give so I just put what's on my mind. Although I think the things that I remembered are fairly simple stuff.

It's hard to make interesting questions. It will be even harder to automate this. In any case, I will not give up on the dream.

I did not forego Duolingo haha.

I want to talk to people too.

August 15, 2016 Monday

Today I tried to minimize social media. I think I still spent around 1 hour with it. Here is my routine on Monday and Wednesdays:

Duolingo - 5 minutes per course, 3 spanish 3 german 3 french 1 hebrew - total 50 minutes
Karate practice - (Chiishi + belt practice) - 1 hour

I reduced chiishi weight to 7.5 lbs, since I'm doing 25 lbs for whole body weight training. (I reduced from half weight to one-fourth weight, in favor of increasing repetitions from 8 to 12).

I also watched Encantadia which took a bit of my time.

I only have 4 hours a day to do things. Including eating and bathing that's around 3 hours. I can do Bible reading and a few Duolingo lessons in the morning and lunch.

Which leaves me with around 1 hour left. I am reading on stock markets book and writing on this blog; that makes it 30 minutes. I should minimize my time for chat, since if I start chatting I cannot do anything anymore.

In any case, I have discovered Deped Tambayan from my elementary teacher.

http://depedtambayanph.blogspot.com/

Looks like a good start. I have not done BP Sec questions too. I will do that first now, before I proceed with the dream.

August 14, 2016 Sunday

Today is more or less a typical Sunday. Go to church, have lunch, go back to Bataan, wash clothes, work out, etc.

Today more or less typical, except that today I planned The Dream. Actually, I woke up 5:00 earlier since I didn't want to sin any longer and started planning the dream.

Here is the vision:
1. to improve education in the Philippines, and
2. spread the Gospel through this

Due to the second bullet, it would be difficult for me to find secular partners.

That's it. The plan is to do this by:

1. Compiling resources and making them available online for free
2. Making educational tools such as
1. Question Generator / Worksheet generator
2. Flash cards 
3. Audio (for language subjects)
3. Moving in the grassroots by establishing tutorship
4. Moving in the grassroots by teaching parents to teach their children
5. Developing free distance learning courses

For now the immediate goal by the end of this year is to have a working resource compilation of K-12 students on Math and Science. Without this, I cannot proceed.

Things I need to think about:

1. The materials offered should be standardized. Do I standardize them? Do I make new ones?

I  have contacted my teachers in Congress. I will contact my teachers in Pisay too.

I will make a more concrete work item list tomorrow.

August 13, 2016 Saturday

Today I'm happy!

It's been a long while since I last had a chill Saturday. The meeting with B- did not push through.

I had driving lessons in the morning. I can drive well without pressure but I panic when there are a lot of cars around me. We went from SM through Commonwealth to Ever and turned right to Mapayapa was it? not really sure. Anyway from there we went through a lot of places and came back to A1 training center.

I went to Smart Center to have my SIM's mobile data fixed. They couldn't do it.

I played LoL all afternoon.

We had sinigang na boneless bangus for dinner. It's my favorite!! (I love sinigang and I love seafood)

I don't know what she's thinking.

I am going to start the dream!! I will need a framework first.

Romance

Not to add to the millions of voices and advices and gurus, but to keep what you have learned.

This is your ideal progression: friends -> courtship -> girlfriend -> engagement -> marriage. Of course it doesn’t have to be that way, but friendship is very important since it provides 1) the necessary time for discernment of her character and 2) it is the foundation of the dynamics of the relationship.

When you have discerned with prayer and fasting and meditation in the word, court the girl. Again it doesn’t have to be that way (you can jump to 3! haha), but courtship provides the girl the necessary time for discernment of your character and intentions. During this trial I hope you do not back out. That is your personal policy, isn’t it?

Truth be told, it is only up to there that you have mulled about. “We’ll cross the bridge when we get there.” Although of course I know you imagine yourself sharing activities and working complementarily and side by side with a partner.

In any case, you have set your ideals on marriage:

1. She is a woman – just to be sure... though I have already said my piece on homosexuality
2. She is a ministry partner – In Genesis 2, right after God gave Adam the task to take care of Eden and commanded him to keep His words, He said “it is not good for man to be alone,” and eventually gave her Eve. I think that is no coincidence. This is also highlighted in 1 Cor 7, where the apostle Paul says “the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they do not...” After all, marriage isn’t about making me happy; it’s about making me happy in the LORD and glorify Him.
3. She is a partner – she not necessarily be a housewife. Others use the word ‘helpmeet.’ And if she is a partner, then she must be able and she must be willing (see #4).
4. She is submissive – this may be controversial but I mean this not just sexually (1 Cor 7 again) but in everything (Eph 5, Col 3). These were written to the saints (meaning, to Christian families), and our family should definitely qualify as one. Submission isn’t a bad thing as feminists suppose; remember, the Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve. The Kingdom is not of this world. 
5. She is a Christian – this almost automatically follows from #2 but this is specific in 1 Cor 7:39. And besides “mahirap mabuhay nang hindi mo nash-share ang pinakamasarap na parte ng buhay mo”

 Now ideally, we have the following qualities from the oh-so-famous Proverbs 31:

1. Trustworthy
2. Brings no harm
3. Works and Labours
4. Diligent, not idle
5. Manages assets and properties
6. Benevolent to the poor
7. “Clothed with strength and dignity”
8. “Speaks with wisdom and faithful instruction”
9. Fears the LORD 

And we have the following from other proverbs

1. Not adulterous (uhh c’mon) (Pr 2,5,6,7,23)
2. Not unruly (Pr 9:13)
3. Kindhearted (Pr 11:16)
4. Shows discretion (Pr 11:22)
5. Wise (Pr 14:1)
6. Prudent (Pr 19:14)
7. Not contemptible (Pr 30:23)
8. Not quarrelsome (Pr 19:13, 21:9, 21:19, 27:15)

And lastly, I must find her attractive (although to be honest I find a lot of people attractive). Perhaps another controversy on the idea of beauty, but there’s Song of Solomon showing the love of a husband to a wife. It’s the inside that counts most, yes, because “charm is fleeting and beauty is deceptive” and “like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion” but God created the body too, and we are also to take care of it. Which means it doesn’t have to conform to human standards of beauty (but I think you’ve already gone beyond that). But I must find her attractive. God called Ezekiel’s wife “the delight of your eyes,” and there is Pr 5:18, which is rather impossible to do if I do not at least find her attractive.

That said, who fits the above qualities??

Nope. Not gonna go there xD

(I’ve talked too much about this on Random Journals already haha)

Letters to Myself 12

August 10, 2016 Wednesday

Today we had firefighting training!!

I wanted to be second in line because I thought I was strong enough to carry the hose. But apparently I wasn't. I am reminded of my own weaknesses.

Anyhow, when NVB took the third man it became SO much easier. I wonder if it's just that noisy tomboy not pushing hard enough.

I really don't like that girl. She's so full of herself. Full of comments too. And then there were these two supposedly from safety that keep on giving me 'tips' not looking that I'M ACTUALLY DOING THEM. And their tips aren't really helpful. The hold that they teach us was so much less efficient than the first one that I learned.

And there was this Nat Geo film shooting thing that took up our time. It's fine though, since I've experienced firefighting already.

There was this girl that looks so much like M-. I remembered again that I really like M- if not for the fact that she's not... that.

P- keeps on talking to me and I don't want that because bro code. But I can't push her away either given her circumstances. In any case I'll try L-'s suggestion.

S- never replies. What happened to friendship tho

I like my work. There are no deadlines.

I have good friends. I must accept that along with the fact that my activities are solo activities. I know deep inside that I just want to be the center of a group of friends. But that's not how it works. And that is full of pride.


I'm starting to learn Hebrew from Duolingo. I'm going to drop learning Gaeilge.

I like E-. She's so cute! And very efficient. Idk I like her a bit. I need to consolidate my belief in love and romance.

I am going to re-establish this! And also my daily reading

Doors

"Love is an open door~"

When I was a kid (before our house was renovated), my parents told me that I sleepwalked once in the middle of the night. They woke up and saw me opening the screen to the outside. Apparently, I had already opened both the locked bedroom door, the door to the outside, and the screen. That’s a lot of doors for a kid. My eyes were closed. They put me back in bed, back to sleep.

I have no recollection of that event.

Ever since I can remember, our doors are now bolted and double-locked.

My mother used to work when I was still in pre-school. Both my parents came home late, and I liked waiting for them. I don’t know if we talked much, of what we talked about, or if we had anything to talk about at all. Parents are usually too adult to talk to children But I waited for them anyway. I don’t know why, maybe I liked it. I remember every Friday night when Dad would always bring home a kiddie meal pasalubong, with a toy from Jollibee that I probably got tired of the next day. I had lots and lots of toys back then; three baskets and a cabinet. They never seemed to be enough.  I remember also the soggy fries that smelled of newspaper that was stuck in the back of Dad’s bag. It came with the happy meal. I liked those fries.

During the day Nanay takes care of me and my cousin. I like Nanay. She used to buy us forbidden toys from Bayan and it was our dirty little secret. I had Yu-Gi-Oh cards because of her. She used to comfort us when Mama gets mad. She had no power in the house, but it was in the shadows that she showed her love.

I go home early. I sleep early. In fact, I’m known for sleeping at 10 PM. Back in Congress everybody went home after class, when the bell rings. Everyone came running toward the gate, from Grade 1 to Grade 6, whatever the age. I was like that in Pisay, too. After class, I went home immediately. Mama always waited for me in the front lobby. We live very far. We live past Fairview where nobody ever decides to meet. It is an hour and a half or so worth of travel time, going back or forth. I did not join any organization in high school because of that.

When I was 3^rd year, Mama got sick and I was left to go home on my own. I was really very worried for Mama. I still left home as soon as class is over. I have nothing to do anyway. No one expects me to do something after the bell rings.

When I was in 4^th year there were many overnights and outings. I did not join unless it was required for academics. My parents don’t allow it. Otherwise I’d have the doors locked on me. Once, Dad got home late from his friend’s invitation and Mama stayed up late to wait for him. She raised hell in the darkness of the night, waking up all the neighbours to the end of the street and shut the door and gate on Dad. Nanay secretly opened it later for him. He slept outside our room. My parents did not talk for one week.

Curfew was a no small cause of contention between us. I felt like I am old enough and I could take care of myself already. After all, everyone in my batch is free to stay up late. But we live very far, and we had no car, and I could not contest that. I resigned myself to this reasonable fact.

I went to UP with much the same habit, of going home and sleeping early. It was this curfew that kept me from joining orgs. I can’t stay beyond school hours, so I really enjoyed my breaks. I didn’t mind having long breaks, waiting around doing nothing.

However, as I grew older I realized that nobody has curfew anymore, since everybody keeps asking, “may curfew ka pa rin?” (you still have curfew?). Yes I did. Yes I do.

There was not much I can do about it. We live very far, and we have no car. The doors will be locked, and I have no keys.

Once in 4^th year there was a PIChE Quiz Bowl training and we decided to eat out at Steveston’s. I tried to push my luck and stayed, but it was 9 PM already and just as the pizza arrived, I had to leave. There was no room for delay. I was really mad then. I’m a graduating student and I have a damn 10 PM curfew. I cried in the jeepney on the way home. I figured I’ll wait for graduation, and then I’ll be free.

After graduation I went to a friend’s thanksgiving party in Pampanga, and there was a spontaneous overnight invitation, since it was getting late anyway. I tried to push my luck again – I’m a graduate now – but to no avail. I got really mad again. I’m a college graduate and I have a damn 10 PM curfew. I cried in the bus on the way home. I drank a cup from the half-empty wine bottle in our fridge. I did not get drunk. But I talked to Dad about it, how Mama always gets hysterical every time, how they are always worried, that someone was waiting for me.

I did not have keys. The doors were bolted. Someone had to wait for me.

And then I worked. Far from home, a new place. Quiet, a little isolated, a bit to my liking. Freedom. It was the first time I could stay up as much as I wanted to. But there’s nothing to do in Bataan anyway, and old habits are hard to break. I still slept at 10 PM. But I had freedom, and that made me happy. I had keys, for the first time in my life. No one had to wait for me. No one was waiting for me. It was just a bed to sleep on.

Sometimes it is not the open door that we want, but what lies behind it.

I try to go home every weekend, but there is not much to talk about. It’s not that parents are too adult to talk to their child; not anymore. It’s that they have nothing much to say, except for their usual advice.

Tonight I pushed my lucked. We live very far, and we have no car. My phone was muted, and I did not hear the seven missed calls. I saw the texts; I could see my mother hysterically shouting behind that long all caps text. I ignored the heartache that came to mind whenever she feels unloved for oh so many times. I did not reply.

I already asked them to go on ahead and sleep. They did not have to wait for me. I am old enough to take care of myself already. A little freedom can’t hurt. I just wanted to have an open door to go home to. I cried in the UV on the way home.

I don’t have pasalubong. We don’t have much to talk about anyway, just a few words to exchange. I wonder why they insist on waiting. Perhaps, they just liked it.

Tonight I came home at 12 mn. The lights are out, the doors were locked, I had no key. I could see the yellow-orange glow of the baby light that we use when we sleep. I reached behind the gate and opened it from the inside. I tapped on Nanay’s window thrice, and called out to her. She opened the back door for me. I hugged her tight. “Thank you Nay.”

In the pot was sinigang na hipon, my favourite of favourites. Everyone is asleep. We don’t have much to talk about anyway, maybe it doesn’t really matter. I need a couch to sleep on tonight.

I’m sorry. I love you too.