June 27 2014 Friday

Today I met a Pia. Pia Magayao if I remember correctly (though it was just a few minutes ago). She's an incoming freshman (I wonder why "freshwoman" or "freshperson" sounds so wrong), speech com, in UP Diliman too. She's staying in Kalay dorm at the moment, doing and heading volunteer work somewhere. She has fairly brown skin and neatly-lined teeth.

Anyway that's not what's important, as the Little Prince would have said. She's a jolly energetic woman (or talkative, depending how you look at it). She's paranoid; afraid of ghosts in Kalay. She even got scared by Drag Me to Hell =)). I think it's funny, maybe even a little bit cute. Also she knows how to converse (how to conversation in internet grammar); meaning not just talk but listen well, which is a great thing.

That's enough I guess; you might say I'm in love again. I say I'm getting the hang of complimenting people truthfully. I hope I can encourage more people too.

June 23 2014 Monday

Today I saw my love. She is ten times more beautiful than the last time I saw her. She grew her smooth, hazel-streaked hair, and changed her hairstyle. I don't know what changed exactly; I never was knowledgeable about women's hairstyles and I was too mesmerized to notice. What I do know is that it fits her so well like a tiara would on her head. She changed her perfume, too; it's more fragrant but less strong; the kind of smell that's gentle and sweet.

I wanted to hug her so badly, but I have to honor her words and refrain from doing so. I do wish I could've talked to her longer and accompanied her home, but I am a friend, not a full-time lover. (I won't say "I am just a friend"; I treasure our friendship more than gold.)

I know I love her but I can't be with her. Yet I can't stop, because I love her and I cannot do otherwise. Here's to a year of daily death and confusion.

Us Who Have Fallen

I am much tired and weary of that unwanted pity. We who have become lukewarm, who have ceased to care, caught in the trivialities of the world; we who have backslidden and been left behind, whose hearts are callous and souls are seared; we who have fallen, need neither pity nor the rod.

It is most annoying and most awkward whenever you churchgoers and active members ask “how is your ministry?” and “how many disciples have you had? “ and “how many people have you shared to?” and “how is your walk with God?” (regardless of legalism, or of genuine concern, or of ignorance, or of insensitivity). How am I to answer “I don’t”, without receiving that low-voiced “Ah” while looking down on the floor, almost at me, followed by a short, awkward silence, and then finally, a “why?” almost like a whisper. How am I to avoid that gaze that expects a rigid answer when I haven’t figured it out myself?

Why the pity? Are you better than me? Do you think that I wanted to be like this? It is the blandest thing in the world to lose that Flame. Better a bitter life than a bland one. I hated that I didn’t care, but now that hate is fading too. Maybe I simply don’t have the passion. Have I not prayed for it? Did I not ask for it? Even now I knock, but the door has yet to open, if it ever will.

In the end, there are no words for us. There is always encouragement to the faithful servant and punishment to the lazy one. But of us who tried and failed there is none. For one supposes there is instant victory in Christ, and leaders would always clamour and rejoice over that fruitful member. But of us who are not quite there, who carried our crosses and stopped to rest, there is only silence.

There are no words for us, yet maybe we only needed one: “Come.” Sheep in the flock need the rod and staff, but those who are lost need seeking. To be able to just come; no questions, no scolding, no indifference, no pity. An extended hand, a simple smile, and a patient invitation, “Come.” Maybe that's what we need, us who have fallen.

May 19 2014 Monday

Today I'm corrupt. I registered as a voter, but my tita (aunt) is from Comelec (Comission on Elections). I practically bypassed the procedure. There were only a few people, but it's corruption all the same.

I noticed the eyes of those women working there when they saw me (I am rather tall compared to them). I could read in their eyes that they were thinking: "another one of the boss's" or something along those lines. They were almost ashamed to look at me. But I could also see that they have already accepted the fact of such situations inside the government.

I think it wasn't right. I don't know what I should've done. Maybe I do: turn down the corrupted offer of generosity. But I don't know how I should've done it. Gently? Firmly? Violently?

I don't want this to happen again.



Also I met kuya Alex (Alexander John Cruz) at Lolalita's Canteen (U really missed SC and Area2, especially ate marj :)) ). He still is as talkative and ambitious ever. I guess it's true though, that there are people who see money as a measure of success. I must admit that I was a bit taken aback when he said that the payback period for Petron Scholarship grant is 3 months. Well that's like a hundred thousand per month. Or maybe less since their batch is only under the grant for two years.

Anyhow, I'm still not enamored by money. I mean, what will I do with so much? It's good to have fun and all, for too enjoy the fruits of our toils is the gift of God. But to live for money like that, I can only see it as an empty life, craving for something that cannot really satisfy.

I can't blame him though. I mean, as a former porn addict, I very well know the pleasure of temporary satisfaction. I'll pray for him too.



Speaking of prayer and evangelism, I still don't know what I'd do with CCC. The only problem I have is with the pace they want to do things. You see, they want a large harvest, but there are no seeds planted. To ask for commitment right after, it might work for some (I hate the sound of that. Maybe it should be: it might be good for some), it might be good for some but not for all. Personally, I don't have this specific time and date of salvation like many others do. The process in my case is incredibly long.

I don't want to work like them, but I don't want to leave altogether either. I will wait on the Lord then.

May 17 2014 Saturday

Today I left my bag in the bus. Well, it's not really a 'bag' but a maleta. It contained all my dirty clothes, towel, and a pair of shoes. It was my fault though, daydreaming and all.

When I got off the bus, there was a roasted peanut vendor wanting to get on, but the driver no longer wanted to accept such vendors. So when I got off, the bus immdiately closed its doors and shot off. I panicked a bit, and then decided to call Almira (we left Bataan together). I pulled my phone and saw she was calling me already. In the end she took home my heavy maleta, along with her other luggages. It was really shameful haha. But thank God for her. I want to treat her next week as thanks.

Anyway, I had lunch at Tokyo-tokyo in SM North. It was jam-packed with people. There was only one seat left for me, and more people were flooding in. The only working counter had a long line of customers (around 5-7 people I think), so the manager (I don't know what to call her, but she had a different uniform: collared, buttoned near-black shirt with a very faint brown color. She wore no black hat. There were 2 of them who wore that uniform) - so the manager opened another counter and kindly (emphasize that, kindly) assisted me. She had a soft voice but spoke firmly and decidedly, with a hint of tiredness, and perhaps sadness. She looked at the order screen routinely with her finely cut, gem-like eyes under her long eyelashes, while swiftly pressing the menu buttons with her pointing finger. Her chin was not less beautifully sculpted as that of Galateia's. She had large lips that fit perfectly her tall, graceful stature.

She had a mark on her face. A dark patch of skin on her left cheek that makes her all the more unique. But beyond that she was kind. I asked where to get a spoon and fork but she offered to get them. Oh, and she served the extra rice too. She was a 'manager' with a serving spirit. Serving spirits will always be beautiful in my eyes.

May 16 2014 Friday

Today the prologue ends. It's the last day of the one-and-a-half-month OJT at Petron Bataan Refinery in Limay, Bataan. It's been filled with weird feelings, new experiences, and a sneak peak to my life in the next 5 years.

Weird feeling 1: I like working here in the sense that I can use what I learn. But so many people discourage me because of the low pay. I shouldn't be bothered. Me, of all people, worrying about low pay? Wasn't I the one whose great drean us a simple life? Weird feeling #2: I love her but my heart is cold. Is this God's work? I don't understand. My heart beats for a while then stops suddenly. I'm doubting the rhema I received: to wait until graduation. Frankly, I'm scared. Will I find a partner? Chances are low after graduation. Especially here in Limay, where I don't know anyone.

New experiences: quite too many to mention. Safety, process integration, major equipments, firefighting, etc.

One thing that really bothers me is the lack of time for myself, or rather, for God. If I really have to socialize from day until night like this for the next 5 years, I'd have no doubt that I will backslide. In fact, I'm losing focus even now. With all these unstoppable influences hampering my mind nonstop, I am withering and losing proper nutrition.

This is the work place. This is the real world. Yes, it is my responsibility to abide in Christ, to work for the Sabbath rest in Christ, to meditate on the Word of my Lord day and night.

I will set a time and rhythm. I will discipline the body. Every morning at 5:00 I will read the Word and keep it in my heart for the rest of the day. This is not to set a legalistic attitude but a fervent desire to seek Him.

May 14 2014 Wednesday

Today I fought fire. We had firefighting training in the morning. The clothes were extremely dirty and ripped. There weren't much of size choices also. But who would even bother checking that in case of emergency?

I never would've thought that firefighting could be that exhausting. The extreme heat inside the protective gear coupled with the hot smoky wind blown by gasoline flames wore down the body. The smoke makes it hard too breathe while the heat makes breathing all the more necessary. Anyway it's a fun experience and a very practical one too.

Tonight I had seafood. The tita in villa leonor calls it "pinaputok na tilapia", along with buttered shrimp. The tilapia was like inihaw (so conyo eh??) but covered in banana leaf. It was oily but not 'nakakauyam' (funny how filipinos have lots of terms for taste), and salty with the savory smell of smoked banana leaf. Also the shrimp was incredibly tasty. The shell comes off easy and the intestines were mostly clean. It snapped between the teeth in the first bite and remains chewy yet easy to swallow.

Tita also prepared adobong sitaw. It was not sour, but had a balanced mix of saltiness. The sitaw itself was evenly sized, not too large nor too small. It was chewy and had good consistency since it was not overcooked. The right amount of garlic and onion gave it a variety of flavor and a savory aroma.

Well, we also finished the revalida due tomorrow but it's hardly as interesting as the food. I slept at 12mn because I had to wash thrice today due to the firefighting and good food (I sweat a lot when eating good food). I will likely lack briefs so I washed 3 briefs. I'll sleep sweetly then.