July 1, 2016, Saturday

Today is the beginning of a new month. It seems fitting.

First of all I've realized some things. I tried to embrace myself, who I really am, what I really want. I had denied myself of some pleasures, trying to make myself feel guilty when I really don't. And you know what, I realized what makes my heart beat. I realized that these pleasures I denied myself were actually really useless things. They taste like cardboard in the face of this that makes my heart beat. With this, everything becomes enjoyable. The wind, the songs, the sun, the sky, the world.

Worship. That's what makes my heart beat.

And I have to fight for it. That wonderful, good feeling. That joy that pervades even through the most unlikely of times, the most unlikely of places.

In another note, M- really wanted to keep distance this time. So I didn't say anything just let it be since it's also good for her. But I'm a little sad about it. A little.

There's also an upcoming wedding of my close friend C-. I realized i'm going to meet her again, and i don't know what I really feel. There's something still, but not really the same as before. Anyway, we'll see.

I've also been writing about the Bloodstone. It sucks, but it's a start haha. I suppose it's pretty much inspired by wuxia genre, but it's not a true wuxia. So it doesn't really fit into any category. That means it has no audience yet. That means it also has potential to be a new thing. Although I don't really care, I just want to write it.

That's all for today. About studying new languages, I realized I d not have the time to study so many things at the same time. So right now i just focus on karate. Master is about to retire and I want to maximize the lessons I have.

I am fairly proficient on the 21 sets of the nunchucks, and it's fairly easy to convert from there to application. Although of course it needs a lot of practice to make it really mine, especially with the footwork and transitions to defense. It's basically cadenilla, to be honest. With this, I'll be able to progress fairly fast in my arnis.

I also still practice arnis. I'm trying to be able to do the basic stuff (13 basic strikes, 12 defenses, bigay-tama, 12 methods, 5 doblada blahblah (don't know what it's called, but I think it's from another style not inherently from LSci))- I'm trying to do all these on both hands with fair proficiency. Of course I'm still right-handed, and I learned from karate that that's something you have to accept. That means although you can still perform the basics on the other hand, in real combat you would need to make that other hand specialize in other things.

Like a knife, in espada y daga. But that's still a far away level for me. Especially since I'm practicing on my own.

June 18, 2016 Sunday

Hey, it's been a while. A LOT of stuff happened, and I have time tonight so I will write them all down. I still write a little on my personal notebook.

Today, I'm pretty sad. It's been like this for a few days now. I feel empty and without purpose. I suppose this is a backlash of neglecting my soul, in favor of reading I Shall Seal The Heavens. It's a long wuxia novel, pretty good I must say. I also indulged myself a lot lately, and I am a huge wreck right now.

So the last thing I posted here was on December 8 last year. Long story short, I asked F- out but she turned me down. She's busy with studies, I understand. And then during the course of the year M- and I got a little close and she confessed to me. I saw that coming, I must admit but you know how I blatantly ignore the signs because I do not want to assume things, just like what happened with C- back in highschool. Anyway I turned her down. Yes, it'sad. I don't regret it though. And then I- also told me she liked me before, but that's a long time ago so yeah.

Why am I saying this? I don't know. To boost my ego maybe? I don't really know what I want anymore. M- meets the criterion, passes for a lot in the ideal. I just don't know.

Okay, I know why. Because that's not me. I am not the man I think I am. I am not godly at all, just a repressed guy who thinks Christianity is good and tries to be someone else.

So this is me. The real me; the 'unsaved' me. I will tell all my fantasies today.

I want to do something great. I want to accomplish something. I want to be successful, someone people can look up to. But I tell myself those things are pointless. They are not important at all, if you look at eternity. That it is a sin of pride! But no really, I want to be great.

I want a beautiful woman. I want to feel the thrill of romance. I want to get married to a doctor. No it's not a fetish don't ask. But I tell myself that's not real love. That it is the sin of lust. And the sin of pride. It is unfair to the woman, for I love her according to my ideals.

There. I said it. I just want to give vent to my feelings.

We had this huge turnaround at the refinery. I don't want to stay here anymore. The managers here do not seem to think of anything but money. Heck, it's a company value called 'business orientation.' Fuck that, it's just capitalism. Health, Safety, and Environment aren't given proper attention. It's only when there's issues that they do, and it's only just to cover up the issues.

They don't give a shit about their people. The system is all messed up and no one seems to notice. The "pabibos" are rewarded. Hell man, if you can't reward the quiet ones you're damn sure they don't give a shit.

Well, it will work out for them. They WILL earn money that much I can say. I mean, that's what they do. But they have no soul. Safety first and envi shit and vision shitter are all lipservice

My soul is being sucked out in here.

I have a lot more to say but I just can't think. It's all jumbled up right now.

M- must be seething mad right now because I just straight up vanished. I can see it in her fb posts. I don't really want to explain. I don't have the obligation.

I feel sad. That's all. I don't want to start talking to anyone. So yeah. I always do the probing so it's not so bad to take some time off it.

I don't have many friends. I mean sure I can be friends have some fun but there is always this part of me that's different. And it's basically a huge chunk. That's why I don't have best friends, because best friends by definition almost always shares for your interest. And my interests are so varied and so shallow that they do not penetrate to my soul.

December 8, 2016 Thursday

Today is Petron's Christmas party. Pretty chill day, although I feel sick.

Also, today I have decided.

Actually it was two days ago. I've decided I'll pursue F-. Do I need to explain it? It's already in Criterion. Although it did take me a while to solidify my resolve. I really don't know what to do though, I'm thinking pursuing someone isn't really much different from my normal life, except I'll let her know who I am more than anyone else does. All the things I've thought in the past aren't helping me now haha. I just think love is when someone else's happiness become yours.

In some ways I still remember her (C-), what I felt back then. How I was enamored by her smile, how every crease on her face and every inch of her hair seemed so significant to me. How I decided I'd love her. And here I am, going to do that again. Will it be the same? Does it matter? I think not.

The Lord has been good to me. I don't really know why I'm saying this. But I just want say it. The Lord is good. I sometimes wonder, with all these blessings, how can I bring people to Him? I am an odd one in the workplace, the only one who does not ride on green jokes. I just do my work, that's it. How can I tell them of the gospel? It's something I have not learned in Campus Crusade. Actually I can tell them the gospel, but I do not ask for commitment. I want to learn how I can share the gospel in the workplace.

There is not much I want to say now. I just blurt things out right now. I just want to sort things out yet let things be. God is Sovereign. I am responsible. I also want to exhort my fellow Christians who do not act like it.

August 31, 2016 Wednesday

I moved a bit to the personal notebook. Many of my deeper thoughts especially regarding the future will be there. In any case, I'll still post here once in a while if I manage to write something.

August 29, 2016 Monday

Today is a holiday.

Some more personality tests

Cerebral Personality Test Results

58% Cerebral

Scoring highly suggests you are likely to be very inquisitive, exploring, scientific, contemplative, self-examining, and philosophical. Low scorers, will generally tend towards the opposite of the above. They will tend to be more conventional, less curious and analytical, less focused on the big picture / global variables, and more comfortable identifying as part of maintream culture.

Career Inventory Test Results Extroversion |||||||||||||||||| 59% Emotional Stability |||||||||||| 38% Orderliness |||||||||||||||||| 57% Accommodation |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74% Inquisitiveness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 71% Your SLOAN personality type is SCOAN, people with your personality type are drawn to or more tolerant of the following careers - event planner, wedding planner, early childhood educator, child care worker, preschool teacher, secretary, hair stylist, event coordinator, receptionist, guidance counselor, home maker, social services worker, school counselor, beautician, office assistant, stay at home parent, social worker, make up artist, fashion industry, hair dresser, kindergarten teacher, school psychologist, administrative assistant, fashion merchandiser, stylist, counselor, public relations specialist, personal assistant, child psychologist, nanny, health care worker, elementary school teacher, cosmetologist, midwife, pediatric nurse, nurse practitioner, customer service employee, interior designer, office worker

Take Free Career Test
Personality Test by SimilarMinds.com

Maslow Inventory Results

Physiological Needs (17%) you appear to have everything you need to survive physically. Safety Needs (60%) you appear to have an adequately secure environment. Love Needs (60%) you appear to be semi-content with the quality of your social connections. Esteem Needs (57%) you appear to have a medium level of skill competence. Self-Actualization (68%) you appear to have a high level of individual development.

Take Free Maslow Inventory Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

I really enjoyed my vacation :) I didn't really think of the work issue anymore. I dropped to Platinum 3 though, but I had fun.

August 26, 2016 Friday

Today my heart sank.

I spearheaded the dessicant changeout of one of our new dryers because of the recent high pressure drop issue. It is a long weekend (vacation until monday) and I was really looking forward to it. I was travelling home, sitting quietly in the bus when I received three texts from our outgoing OE that one of the critical units is on shutdown because of my dryer. Turns out it wasn't because of the dryer. At least based on the trend.

A lot of things went through my mind. The Lord is good. The Lord is sovereign.

At least I have decided that I will not stay, because I do not want to be on call. It would be difficult for my future family.

Anyway I'm gonna sleep tight now. :) Good night!

August 17, 2016 Wednesday

Today I did a lot of things at work.

I forewent my weight training, compiling for the dream, and stock market study in favor of finishing the BPSec questions. I have no reference / guide as to the kind of questions I will give so I just put what's on my mind. Although I think the things that I remembered are fairly simple stuff.

It's hard to make interesting questions. It will be even harder to automate this. In any case, I will not give up on the dream.

I did not forego Duolingo haha.

I want to talk to people too.