Psalm 119

Aleph
Blessed are the undefiled in the way, who walk in the Law of the Lord.
Blessed are they that keep his testimonies, and that seek him with the whole heart.
They also do no iniquity: they walk in his ways.
Thou hast commanded us to keep thy precepts diligently.
O that my ways were directed to keep thy statutes!
Then I shall not be ashamed when I have respect unto all thy commandments.
I shall praise thee with uprightness of heart when I shall have learned thy righteous judgment
I will keep thy commandments: O forsake me not utterly

Beth
Wherewithal shall a young man cleanse his way? By taking heed thereto according to thy word.
With my whole heart have I sought thee: O let me not wander from thy commandments.
Thy word have I hid in mine heart that I might not sin against thee
Blessed art thou O Lord, teach me thy statutes.
With my lips have I declared all the judgments of thy mouth
I rejoice in the way of thy testimonies as much as in all riches
I will meditate in thy precepts and have respect unto thy word.
I will delight myself in thy statutes; I will not forget thy word.

Gimel
Deal bountifully with thy servant, that I may live, and keep thy word.
Open thou mine eyes, that I may behold wondrous things out of thy law.
I am a stranger in the earth; hide not thy commandments from me.
My soul breaketh for the longing that it hath unto thy judgments at all times.
Thou hast rebuked the proud that are cursed, which do err from thy commandments.
Remove from me reproach and contempt for I have kept thy testimonies
Princes also did sit and speak against me, but thy servant did meditate in thy statutes
Thy testimonies also are my delight and my counsellors.

I'm progressing! But my soul isn't any whiter. Anyway, it doesn't work that way.

I'll be working hard from now!

March 13 2015 Friday

Two days ago we didn't have internet. So my dad bought load for the internet sim but Globe Tattoo is very slow. It forced my brother to borrow my laptop and go outside to improve the signal (which didn't make the internet any faster). Our doting parents called for an electric fan to be setup for him, but my brother didn't want one. So he went back in shortly after the fan was setup. My mom called him ingrato because of that.

Anyway I realized that

Not all help is wanted.
Not all help is needed.
Not all help is appreciated.

If so, then will you help people?

-------------

Today I met the summer moon. She was every bit as lovely as she wad charming.

She brought three of her friends: Pamela, Marcy, and Fiona. I've heard of them from her before, except for Marcy. They were all very talkative. Not as nature-appreciating as I, but that's of course a different kind of fun. Although they tried to act natural I know they are still shy and holding back. So I was mostly out of place but it was also fun to watch them.

We ate at Rodic's and they gave me two books, The Fifth Mountain and Dante's Inferno. Rode ikot, walked around, from Engglib2 to Tabujara to Arki to Lagoon. They walk slowly so that's 5 hours already.

After that I cleaned the FETS lab but no one really likes cleaning. I wonder why though. Anyway FETS lab corridor was a bit broken, with the tiles warping up out of the floor and I found out that dad's building also has the same problem.

I also saw her and the princess but I didn't talk to them

We also have internet and my brother and I were supposed to play together but he had a lot of updates to download. I'll download it for him sometime soon.

March 9 2015 Monday

Hoy quiero que hablar acerca de la búsqueda.

Not pursue as in pursuing a woman or pursuing a career; I want to talk about something close to my heart.

A lot of people call me smart, and I wouldn't deny that God gave me that gift. Yet I also maintain that "being smart" is mostly just about having interest in the more useful things. Everyone has the capacity and the capability, just that there are a lot of distractions in this world.

Anyway, being called smart by a lot of people, they usually don't think they could help me. Or rather, they don't bother thinking how. Most would just say "kaya mo na yan" or something along those lines. Although being left alone to myself has helped me tremendously in knowing what I can do, it leaves me an empty feeling of solitude.

Ironically, when I was a kid my parents would dote on me and would help me in all that I do. Every project and every homework would have been done by them one way or another. But I wasn't spoon-fed. My dad would teach me how to do it too. And usually I do homeworks on my own and my mom would have my dad check it.

Now how is this related to 'pursuit'? It's because the thing that I'm missing is the feeling of being pursued. Or maybe more precisely, the feeling of being needed. I know it's stupid because men are supposed to be the one who pursue what they want but actually everyone wants that feeling too. That's why friends ask for favors from one another even though they don't really need it.

But I don't feel that. I help people when I can and also when they ask me to but after that they leave and continue their business. I would chat with people and talk to them about life, their life, and everything but very rarely would anyone chat me. Or should I say, no one does?

I used to have friends from CCC (I like to think they're still my friends) who have the habit of asking "kamusta na?" (which I picked up). I like it when people ask me that. But then I realize they aren't really asking me, but they ask that so I would ask them back so they could talk about their stories.

How do I know? When I talk about my story they usually don't do anything about it. I used to open myself up and talk about what bothers me and people would just give you a pat or a smile or some word of comfort but they can't help you. In the end you have to help yourself. Or I have to help myself. And when I wiped myself off their radar (which I still am) they aren't asking me anymore. They aren't helping me anymore. They used to invite me to events and stuff like that and I would pray for them still (I think their work is good) but nothing about how am I doing or what not.

But is it really hard to find someone who would be interested in other people? Don't friends flock together because they have a common interest? And what is a common interest but having an extension of yourself? Basically you call someone a friend because he or she has something that she shares with you. And the other parts that she doesn't share, you don't bother with that. So basically friends are pieces of yourself in other people. And that's just selfish.

Why don't people bother with other people's "lives"? We are afraid of being called nosy or pakialamero. In english, that's "mind your own business." But what is your business? Isn't your friend your business? No, you shouldn't butt in when he gets in a heated argument with his mom but aren't you even going to talk about it? Is it no longer your business to tell your friend if he's wrong? Because after all, friendship isn't measured by how long you stick, but by how far.

That's why I ask "kamusta?" (from the spanish "como está?" which means "how are you?"). That's why I ask "masaya ka ba?" ("are you happy?").

It's selfish of me, no? I'm not very different from other people. I want someone who would ask me the same, who would care about me.

There's God, yes. But even when He took care of Adam he said "it isn't good for man to be alone." And He created Eve. Yes I have my parents. But even they wouldn't really stick their nose into "my business." Because they don't know it anymore. "Di ko na alam yan anak." Because usually it's just academics to them.

But when you ask me what I need, I usually say nothing. That's not unusual at all, because I usually really don't need anything, except maybe for a patient, unobstrusive, human presence. That's the longing in my heart, to find someone who would stay and help, not just say "kaya mo yan" and not even bother thinking how to help. I don't need someone telling me "I believe in you" but isn't there to watch how I struggle.

Or maybe I just really want a hug.

I have touch issues, but I'd talk about that some other day.

March 8 2015 Sunday

Today I want to talk about dating and love in general.

I actually talked to Estelle about this and I'm here to recollect my thoughts and find answers to my questions.

I've been looking for a Biblical example of dating, but there is none. There was no such thing as dating in Biblical times. But now I've remembered that there's the Song of Solomon. It is however, for married or engaged couples, and not really very applicable in dating. There's the commonly used verse though, "Do not awaken love until it so desires." It's often quoted to keep people from well, dating, because traditionally, Christians view relationships as... unwanted, to say the least. Especially with non-Christians.

This negative view on relationships is unwarranted, but the basis is "Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?" and "Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do."

But being in a relationship or having a wife is actually good. "He who finds a wife finds a good thing,
And obtains favor from the Lord." Of course, the thing there doesn't mean objectification; it's italicized in King James which means it's just there for grammatical purpose.

This is apostle Paul's personal stand. I mean his, and not the Lord's:

Are you free from such a commitment? Do not look for a wife. But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.

So basically, having a wife is good but being celibate is better. And because a lot of so-called Christians are posers and would say that being celibate is better and lord it over those who have wives, which God says is also good. But now "blessed celibacy" is mocked because romanticism has kicked in and people think that it 's stupid and that the gift of celibacy is being ugly or being rejected many times by women. Of course you'd think it's stupid if you don't know the point of celibacy, which is to serve God.

But I think if your wife is serving God also, then it's actually better than being celibate. That's why God didn't leave Adam on his own but made Eve to help in his work. Eve was made to work too, not do household chores. She is very empowered haha. In that light, a wife should be someone with the same mission as the husband. Or in my case, the wife I've been looking for should help in God's work (I need a wife, as the apostle Paul says "But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.").

Marriage is a practical thing, because God is first and foremost.

What about her? She's not a christian, but I love her. Was it a mistake, that I awakened love before it so desired? I used to think so. But I don't regret it one bit. Sometimes I think about If anyone is worried that he might not be acting honorably toward the virgin he is engaged to, and if his passions are too strong and he feels he ought to marry, he should do as he wants. He is not sinning. They should get married. But we are not engaged. We're not even in a relationship (haha). I don't even know if she likes me the same way.

Should I pursue her?

I shouldn't because she's not a christian.

But in my heart I really refuse to say no because I love her. I make all kinds of excuses saying that I should be responsible that I made her feel special and that she might get hurt otherwise or what not, but those are all my fantasies and imagination and the only real reason is because I love her. But that kind of thinking is worldly and love is only right when it is under the love of God. May the Lord help me.

Now about dating rules: Definitely no sex. But how far is too far? Is holding hands too far? What about saving your first kiss for marriage? To follow an ancient practice without reason really is to be outdated. But the Word of the Lord lasts forever, transcending generations. Christ says "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Should I then not look at her at all?

Anything is too far if it is done in lust. Anything is too far if it is done without God in view. This rule of thumb should apply to all kinds of dating rules. That means if my partner is super conservative then I have to respect that so as not to make her stumble. And if my partner is super liberal then I should watch out that I not sin before God. And if my partner is clueless (like me) then we should just study the Word together (haha).

March 5 2015 Thursday

15 de Marso 2015

Hoy limpió con a ella. Llegué en el laboratorio alrededor de las siete de la mañana. Deseé que también ella fue allí pero no esperé de verdad. Pero de verdad a ella fue allí! Y a ella solicitó ayuda en limpieza su laboratorio. No directamente por supuesto, pero sólo no puedo pararme de la ayudado a ella. Y lo me hace muy feliz, que puedo la ayuda a ella.

La luna es también muy bonita esta noche. Esto es facilmente mi noche favorita :)

March 4 2015 Wednesday

04 de Marzo 2015

Hoy hablé con a ella. Yo realicé otra vez que aún la amo. Yo lo he hecho y lo haré por siempre. Cada dulce sonrisa que brilla de sus labios, cada abrir y cerrar de sus ojos, cada hilo de sus cabellos que resbala por sus dedos, cada forma y curva en su cara bella; Cada vez que se mueve, me enamoro otra vez con a ella.

Quise que abrazar a ella, que tocar su cara, quizá todavía besar a ella. Pero no puedo. Y porque de eso, yo no sé qué sentir ahora.

Una cosa está segura: deseo que a ella conocer mi Dios y Salvador.