Hoy quiero que hablar acerca de la búsqueda.
Not pursue as in pursuing a woman or pursuing a career; I want to talk about something close to my heart.
A lot of people call me smart, and I wouldn't deny that God gave me that gift. Yet I also maintain that "being smart" is mostly just about having interest in the more useful things. Everyone has the capacity and the capability, just that there are a lot of distractions in this world.
Anyway, being called smart by a lot of people, they usually don't think they could help me. Or rather, they don't bother thinking how. Most would just say "kaya mo na yan" or something along those lines. Although being left alone to myself has helped me tremendously in knowing what I can do, it leaves me an empty feeling of solitude.
Ironically, when I was a kid my parents would dote on me and would help me in all that I do. Every project and every homework would have been done by them one way or another. But I wasn't spoon-fed. My dad would teach me how to do it too. And usually I do homeworks on my own and my mom would have my dad check it.
Now how is this related to 'pursuit'? It's because the thing that I'm missing is the feeling of being pursued. Or maybe more precisely, the feeling of being needed. I know it's stupid because men are supposed to be the one who pursue what they want but actually everyone wants that feeling too. That's why friends ask for favors from one another even though they don't really need it.
But I don't feel that. I help people when I can and also when they ask me to but after that they leave and continue their business. I would chat with people and talk to them about life, their life, and everything but very rarely would anyone chat me. Or should I say, no one does?
I used to have friends from CCC (I like to think they're still my friends) who have the habit of asking "kamusta na?" (which I picked up). I like it when people ask me that. But then I realize they aren't really asking me, but they ask that so I would ask them back so they could talk about their stories.
How do I know? When I talk about my story they usually don't do anything about it. I used to open myself up and talk about what bothers me and people would just give you a pat or a smile or some word of comfort but they can't help you. In the end you have to help yourself. Or I have to help myself. And when I wiped myself off their radar (which I still am) they aren't asking me anymore. They aren't helping me anymore. They used to invite me to events and stuff like that and I would pray for them still (I think their work is good) but nothing about how am I doing or what not.
But is it really hard to find someone who would be interested in other people? Don't friends flock together because they have a common interest? And what is a common interest but having an extension of yourself? Basically you call someone a friend because he or she has something that she shares with you. And the other parts that she doesn't share, you don't bother with that. So basically friends are pieces of yourself in other people. And that's just selfish.
Why don't people bother with other people's "lives"? We are afraid of being called nosy or pakialamero. In english, that's "mind your own business." But what is your business? Isn't your friend your business? No, you shouldn't butt in when he gets in a heated argument with his mom but aren't you even going to talk about it? Is it no longer your business to tell your friend if he's wrong? Because after all, friendship isn't measured by how long you stick, but by how far.
That's why I ask "kamusta?" (from the spanish "como está?" which means "how are you?"). That's why I ask "masaya ka ba?" ("are you happy?").
It's selfish of me, no? I'm not very different from other people. I want someone who would ask me the same, who would care about me.
There's God, yes. But even when He took care of Adam he said "it isn't good for man to be alone." And He created Eve. Yes I have my parents. But even they wouldn't really stick their nose into "my business." Because they don't know it anymore. "Di ko na alam yan anak." Because usually it's just academics to them.
But when you ask me what I need, I usually say nothing. That's not unusual at all, because I usually really don't need anything, except maybe for a patient, unobstrusive, human presence. That's the longing in my heart, to find someone who would stay and help, not just say "kaya mo yan" and not even bother thinking how to help. I don't need someone telling me "I believe in you" but isn't there to watch how I struggle.
Or maybe I just really want a hug.
I have touch issues, but I'd talk about that some other day.
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