November 2, 2015 Monday

Today there is no 198 class! I asked about that last week on behalf of A- and I totally forgot.

So I just went to the lib and studied. Good thing A- asked for a study buddy too. So I was not alone.

Anyway, I went home with ate C- and we tried the terminal at Technohub. It's surprisingly okay: fills fast enough, and the fx passes through SM and Almar.

Anyway, she told me three interesting things (amongs t others):
1. Chismis about me!!! It's very rare to find that. So there was this upper batch who had heard of our group and commented on each. Apparently, Katarina's fame spread far and wide. And I see now why the star cried. Most importantly though, I was a snob daw and nagmamata ng tao. I know where the first one comes from, since I sometimes (or oftentimes, rather) get lost in my thoughts and/or just don't feel like talking. I have an introverted side, you should remember that. Sometimes I just don't have anything to say. The second though, I'm not sure where that comes from. I'm guessing it's partially due to my introverted side too. I mean, it was more obvious back then. Anyway, it's not like that person knew me so it doesn't really matter. It's always just interesting to know how other people see you.

2. Ghost story in pisay! It was blackout in the storage room (ma'am lhen's, not sure if I got the spelling correct). They were scaring each other inside that windowless room with a single candle. She saw a bloodied male student hanging by the closet with microscopes.

She blew the candle because they were trying to scare each other and everyone ran out of the room. She overheard two other friends saying, "Did you see that?" She asked what, and they said the same description, except it was standing near them.

3. What would it take for her to forgive him? Haha. Of course, she had no ready answer. Though she settled witha sincere apology, or in my words, repentance.

Yeah, totally unconnected. But it was in the flow of conversation.

And I played one game with my brother and we lost. But I'm getting the hang of kalista, despite the faulty mouse.

November 1 2015 Sunday

Just a few more days until the board exam! I still don't feel it.

I finally compiled the ghost stories that I have! I'll post it here too, but I have it on facebook already. And it's more interactive there. Although people don't seem all that interested in ghost stories. It's really a shame, since I documented it well too. And I presented the facts as is, no drama or anything. It's more of a mental mystery thing than a creepy story.

Oh yeah, I activated facebook. A lot has been going on apparently and it took me half a day to catch up. It's nice talking to people.

I'll finish perry's on tuesday xD

October 30, 2015 Friday

This morning I dreamt that I'm already taking the board exam. And I felt exhausted but confident after the first two days, but then mama didn't wake me up for the third day. And then I realized it was a dream. But I didn't wake up or take control (I could've); I just let it fade from my consciousness and return to sleep. That's all I can remember.

I slept again for maybe around 30 minutes. And I read nanatsu no taizai.

I also opened fb for a short while, maybe an hour or two and responded to the messages and glanced at the notifs.

I didn't go to morayta because I felt.. sad? I don't know(?) It's a weird feeling. Maybe the germans have a word for this. Anyhow T- feels cold and it's a waste seeing as she's an interesting one. I am not sure if it is connected to that, but logically speaking there is no reason for it to be like that. Probably it is more connected to the feeling of being alone.

Hmm I should really cut down on my 'hobbies.' I wonder, are they really worth it? What is it worth, anyway? Surely it's based on what you live for. And if I live for God should I not live my all for Him?

And again this issue is brought up. But I never really think about it until I stop. Of course it does not mean that this is an invalid concern. In the past I have convinced myself that there is no place for that. It is a matter of resolve.

But I'm too sleepy to think about it. Ah well.

Before I forget: I notice that some titles have a comma, and some do not. Is there a pattern I input subconsciously? I wonder. Anyway, I hypothesize that if it is, then it is only connected to the leading train of thought. Maybe I'll check it out when I remember and when I have time.

October 29, 2015 Thursday

Today is alone day! It made me twinge and sigh a little but that's okay. It's good to be reminded every once in a while, amidst all these friends and acquaintances, that I am actually alone.

Well to be honest I did expect T- and A- to come as usual but then I realized after that there is no agreement whatsoever and it is none of my business whether they do or not. I do wonder, however, what happened, and especially if it's connected to yesterday.

In any case, it felt good and sobering to walk slowly through that familiar path traversing the two ends of UP; to walk alongside men and women each minding their own lives, chatting with each other in threes and pairs and groups, or just alone walking briskly and single-mindedly or simply drifting along with the 4:00 crowd; to see the cirrus clouds painted in the sky, tinged with the same golden rays that color the trees an autumn hue.

Even my brother didn't want to go home with me. I shouldn't expect others to accompany me either.

"It's not a big deal," I tell myself. "It's not the first time and I'm used to it."

"Who else?"

"Well, everyone I know? C-, and G-, and D-, and H- and R- and L-... and her."

"The first few times you feel sad, but then you learn to adapt. That's why you do things; it just so happens that there are people. That's why you don't cling to friends, or ask for favors; because why you don't want them to fail you. That's why you try to find comfort in being alone, in doing things alone, in being able to do everything alone."

"Because you're afraid, really. You don't want to accept that you are rejected and uninmportant. That's why you always try to make yourself useful; because that's the only time that people actually take notice of you. What seems like a helping hand is but a mask of your desire to be noticed. Because you don't just want a simple acknowledgement, but to be known for real. That's why this blog is here. Even your parents, no? When you give vague answers like "okay lang" only a handful really asks further. And of those handful it is but only a routine.

But then is there a place for such intimacy in mere friendship? Aren't you, in fact, looking for something that can only be found in a commited relationship?

No, you say. You don't want to believe otherwise. That's why you always ask how people are doing. Aren't friends supposed to do that?"

"I don't know.

Apparently not."

And when I think about it like that I get stuck, and I feel sad, then I realize I'm making too much a big deal out of it, when really, it isn't. It shouldn't be. So I stop thinking about it.

And then I try to think that I should be satisfied in Christ and that it is God who loves me and knows me in the deepest and truest sense but I just can't feel it.

Then I just stop thinking at all.

In the end, I think all these "pretexts" of helping and being nice and asking how others are are real too. At the very least, they are now.

And I lost all four ranked games today. Oh well.

On the up side, I did study a lot.

October 28, 2015 Thursday

The past two days have been rather uneventful.

But today is a good day. I shared the gospel to T-! I'd also like to share it to A- and A- and also the star when I get the chance. I've always been looking for a chance to share it to the star but I always back out, thinking "not yet, not yet."

I'm not going to follow up because I might have impure motives. But I will be praying, and we're friends anyway so I can at least do it informally. In the proper contexts of course.

I also updated things I want to do. Why do I want to do too many things? Anyway, I like those things. So I'm gonna do them, if God permits.

I'm reading proverbs! I feel it good to read a proverb a day and also a separate reading of the new and the old testament. I'll do that starting tomorrow. And I should read in the morning so that my mind doesn't go astray.

Speaking of which, I had the most wonderful dream last night. I can't remember what it is but I know I had powers in it and that I was saving someone and that I felt very, very good and refreshed upon waking up to my alarm. But then I should start practicing waking up like a soldier so that my mind doesn't go astray, and that I get more time. Also so I could go with the reading plan.

I wonder how she's doing? I heard from C- the general state of affairs there and I think she might be panicking knowing that she doesn't have a lot of confidence in her skills (she really should have though).

So I would also like to start praying for the whole batch!

In our training I learned a different version of the disarm in PE, and two different pathways. Also that armlock that sir Brix did to me, I know that now. I learn a lot everyday! And I'm happy about it.

Anyway I'm sleepy now. Good night!!

October 25 2015 Sunday

I didn't finish 198 today. For some reason the system is not feasible. I'll try again tomorrow.

I'm still thinking about relationships. I don't know, maybe because it's a big deal at this age.

Okay so this post almost got stuck in the saving bug in the blogger app for android! I didn't know it didn't work properly. Thank God I found a workaround on the internet: quickly tap a published post and a stuck saving post in quick succession. And voila!

So there we go! Oh, I didn't do 198. I decided I'll focus on boards, do my best there. Of course, I will make a general program in my new version of MATLAB, after boards, complete with GUI.

October 24, 2015 Saturday

Today I studied in best place and beyond! (Not the real name) It's hard being the fifth wheel. They'd talk to each other and it feels so private and it's a little awkward to ask what's happening.

Also it's a lot less chaotic than expected. Everyone is very serious while studying.

And H- made me watch an episode of Big Bang. It's fairly funny, I must admit. But it's not something I'd like to follow.

So I also studied a lot. I'm done with Day 1 but I don't want to move on to other days. Especially Day 2.

So I read in an askreddit thread about taking the chance etc. I don't really know, I feel I always want to try being in a relationship but I don't want to play around either. Although I do feel like playing around a little. But that's my manipulative tendencies and I am afraid of it. But then these thoughts are probably just brought about by being fifth wheel for a little while.

I also wonder when I'll experience euphoria again. I kinda miss it. I don't even know what makes me happy now.