Today is alone day! It made me twinge and sigh a little but that's okay. It's good to be reminded every once in a while, amidst all these friends and acquaintances, that I am actually alone.
Well to be honest I did expect T- and A- to come as usual but then I realized after that there is no agreement whatsoever and it is none of my business whether they do or not. I do wonder, however, what happened, and especially if it's connected to yesterday.
In any case, it felt good and sobering to walk slowly through that familiar path traversing the two ends of UP; to walk alongside men and women each minding their own lives, chatting with each other in threes and pairs and groups, or just alone walking briskly and single-mindedly or simply drifting along with the 4:00 crowd; to see the cirrus clouds painted in the sky, tinged with the same golden rays that color the trees an autumn hue.
Even my brother didn't want to go home with me. I shouldn't expect others to accompany me either.
"It's not a big deal," I tell myself. "It's not the first time and I'm used to it."
"Who else?"
"Well, everyone I know? C-, and G-, and D-, and H- and R- and L-... and her."
"The first few times you feel sad, but then you learn to adapt. That's why you do things; it just so happens that there are people. That's why you don't cling to friends, or ask for favors; because why you don't want them to fail you. That's why you try to find comfort in being alone, in doing things alone, in being able to do everything alone."
"Because you're afraid, really. You don't want to accept that you are rejected and uninmportant. That's why you always try to make yourself useful; because that's the only time that people actually take notice of you. What seems like a helping hand is but a mask of your desire to be noticed. Because you don't just want a simple acknowledgement, but to be known for real. That's why this blog is here. Even your parents, no? When you give vague answers like "okay lang" only a handful really asks further. And of those handful it is but only a routine.
But then is there a place for such intimacy in mere friendship? Aren't you, in fact, looking for something that can only be found in a commited relationship?
No, you say. You don't want to believe otherwise. That's why you always ask how people are doing. Aren't friends supposed to do that?"
"I don't know.
Apparently not."
And when I think about it like that I get stuck, and I feel sad, then I realize I'm making too much a big deal out of it, when really, it isn't. It shouldn't be. So I stop thinking about it.
And then I try to think that I should be satisfied in Christ and that it is God who loves me and knows me in the deepest and truest sense but I just can't feel it.
Then I just stop thinking at all.
In the end, I think all these "pretexts" of helping and being nice and asking how others are are real too. At the very least, they are now.
And I lost all four ranked games today. Oh well.
On the up side, I did study a lot.
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