Today we have no class! I don't know what to say about that.
I studied a little of Perry's. For some reason I am still annoyed and cannot study when mama is around. Although I must say that she's really trying to change and that's really well and good. But I don't know why I still feel slightly annoyed.
I know its all in the past and I know I shouldn't and I knoe I've forgiven them, but sometimes I still blame them for missed opportunities in the past. Like how I don't want to do any church ministry anymore (tell me to do something and I'll do it, but I won't volunteer), or like I don't know how to cook, or even the little things like the white DChE polo shirt (which happened to be nice to wear on the board exam).
Sometimes I still think my brother is so lucky that he is allowed all these stuff and that they are lenient to him because they're better people and better parents now. And then I know I should be happy about that but I also feel jealous that I can't feel that anymore, since I'm going to move away soon. And also I've been more of an extra arm in the house, less of that person to care for.
Actually that's partly why I try to help out a lot. I can't explain the logic behind it. It's like you're craving for "care" and give it to people hoping that maybe someday someone will give it back. Well I guess it doesn't always work that way, because I think that people think "I don't need help." Which is often true too, because I don't want to rely too much on someone.
That's because I have this manipulative side and I am afraid to manipulate people. That's why I very very rarely ask for favors. And only small ones at that.
Which is ironic because that's exactly what I'm looking for. I'm looking for something I can't ask for. I'm looking for something that has to be given voluntarily. I'm looking for someone, anyone, to give me something that they don't think I need. I'm looking for something I'm afraid to have.
I don't need it all the time though. It's just that I want it particularly often. I always appreciate it though.
Of course "quality time" is still my primary love language, it's just that I've been in denial that I really like service too.
So much for rants!
Nothing much happened today. Hmm maybe I forgot to say yesterday that I realized how dependent I am on wifi and especially on electricity.
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