Miracle, Love.

Inside this pressurized, boiling pot of confused emotions, I finally understood: I love you. You may not understand me, but at the very least I want you to know that I love you. And I still will.

I chose to love you. I did not fall for you like some madman under a spell. Well, maybe I did. After all, I'm a clam that shuts out people. I never show my soft side. I never give the important pearls. But you manage to open me up every single time I talk to you. Was it your sweet smile? Your starry eyes? I don't know when I started to think of you all day long, or when I started to long to hear your voice and see your face. I can't count the days I've been lifting you up to God in my prayers. Perhaps I really was bewitched. Maybe I still am. But was that love? Could I have already called it love? Or am I just emotionally dependent on you?

You see, dear, when I distanced myself from you, I stripped off every single emotion I had about you. But even then I was not rational, because those flames red-hot deep beneath cannot be swept dead by a mere gust of the will. "Is this love? Is this love?" I would always ask myself. I was confused. And I didn't know the answer until I decided that it was "yes." I chose to love you.

But I'm too stupid to notice that you had distanced yourself too. What happened? Why? I guess I'm too far away now. Did I do something wrong? I'm sorry. Was I too slow? Forgive this lagging heart of mine. Did you hate me? What did it look like to you? Did you love me too, even for just a bit? I want to know.

But then, now what? Is it like the gentle wind on your smooth, lovely hair, whose beginning and end I will never know? Will it be over like this, feeling like it never ended at all, feeling like it never even started?

Maybe. It wouldn't have lasted anyway; not with the way we are now. We may never leave each other, but we very well know we can't be together. After all, we live in different worlds. I am a stranger here on earth. I am trapped here in a foreign country, and I will always long to go back to my homeland. I belong to a kingdom at war against yours.

Will you defect to the other side? Because there's no way else we can be together. Even then, do you still love me? Would you still love me? Did you even love me?

I love you so much, but it tears my heart to pieces. I would have devoted all my heart, all my mind, all my soul, and all my strength to you. But I can't, because I have devoted myself to the Lord. It is no longer I who lives in me, but Christ. And it is under His love that I must love you. And it is under His love that you must love me, too.

It is impossible then. You cannot simply choose to love the Lord that I serve, for to love Him is to abandon everything. It is no petty thing like changing religions. It is a change of heart. Such love is a gift of God, and the gifts and graces of God are nothing short of miracles. It would take such a miracle for us to be together.

I love you, my dearest, my one and only. And I still will. Know that I will always love you with a love that is pure and holy: a love that is in Christ. I will be praying for a miracle.