May 22 2015 Friday

So I wasn't really tired last night, more like melancholic. Because every once in a while I'll remember that yellow letter and think "sayang." Because it could've been. Because honestly it would cross my mind every once in a while. I said what I said not because I didn't want to, but because I want another.

And I don't want to give half a heart.

That's why I'm giving it my all this time. I mean, not forcefully. But I'll focus on this and this alone.

Well things are going okay I guess, academically. I don't really think much about it now. It's so much nicer to think about people and helping people. I guess it's a different kind of thing that you never see on paper. Because papers aren't all that matter.

What matters? Faith, expressing itself through love. I don't know, I don't see much point in doing anything else. I can't see my future. I don't have a dream. I want to do something, though. Something not normal. I want to help people, I think. I don't know. I suck at that. I mean, I think about going to remote places and all, but what about here? There are so many 'churches' and so many 'christians' that are so content about their lives. The need is different. What to do? Where to go?

Maybe I'll stay in Petron? Maybe not? I'm not sure. Like I always say, and now I tell this to myself, you never know the future. I guess it's useless to worry about it and I'll just do what I can now.

Tonight we danced. And I can't express how happy I am. Or how I even feel. A bit like ecstatic and shy at the same time. Then again, I think she feels a little bit awkward with me. Or maybe I'm just putting too much meaning on everything. I won't think about it.

So I bought food at area 2 after and I bought quesadilla, beef with mushroom, and sisig. Turns out Elise' s favorite meat wasn't pork and that was a product of her adjusting to my preferences back in Petron days. And that they supposedly eat a lot of chicken.

Then I slept at 9:30 PM and then set the alarm and dreamt of morning then realized the alarm didn't set off then I looked but it was just 11:26 PM. It'll be a long night.