October 30, 2015 Friday

This morning I dreamt that I'm already taking the board exam. And I felt exhausted but confident after the first two days, but then mama didn't wake me up for the third day. And then I realized it was a dream. But I didn't wake up or take control (I could've); I just let it fade from my consciousness and return to sleep. That's all I can remember.

I slept again for maybe around 30 minutes. And I read nanatsu no taizai.

I also opened fb for a short while, maybe an hour or two and responded to the messages and glanced at the notifs.

I didn't go to morayta because I felt.. sad? I don't know(?) It's a weird feeling. Maybe the germans have a word for this. Anyhow T- feels cold and it's a waste seeing as she's an interesting one. I am not sure if it is connected to that, but logically speaking there is no reason for it to be like that. Probably it is more connected to the feeling of being alone.

Hmm I should really cut down on my 'hobbies.' I wonder, are they really worth it? What is it worth, anyway? Surely it's based on what you live for. And if I live for God should I not live my all for Him?

And again this issue is brought up. But I never really think about it until I stop. Of course it does not mean that this is an invalid concern. In the past I have convinced myself that there is no place for that. It is a matter of resolve.

But I'm too sleepy to think about it. Ah well.

Before I forget: I notice that some titles have a comma, and some do not. Is there a pattern I input subconsciously? I wonder. Anyway, I hypothesize that if it is, then it is only connected to the leading train of thought. Maybe I'll check it out when I remember and when I have time.

October 29, 2015 Thursday

Today is alone day! It made me twinge and sigh a little but that's okay. It's good to be reminded every once in a while, amidst all these friends and acquaintances, that I am actually alone.

Well to be honest I did expect T- and A- to come as usual but then I realized after that there is no agreement whatsoever and it is none of my business whether they do or not. I do wonder, however, what happened, and especially if it's connected to yesterday.

In any case, it felt good and sobering to walk slowly through that familiar path traversing the two ends of UP; to walk alongside men and women each minding their own lives, chatting with each other in threes and pairs and groups, or just alone walking briskly and single-mindedly or simply drifting along with the 4:00 crowd; to see the cirrus clouds painted in the sky, tinged with the same golden rays that color the trees an autumn hue.

Even my brother didn't want to go home with me. I shouldn't expect others to accompany me either.

"It's not a big deal," I tell myself. "It's not the first time and I'm used to it."

"Who else?"

"Well, everyone I know? C-, and G-, and D-, and H- and R- and L-... and her."

"The first few times you feel sad, but then you learn to adapt. That's why you do things; it just so happens that there are people. That's why you don't cling to friends, or ask for favors; because why you don't want them to fail you. That's why you try to find comfort in being alone, in doing things alone, in being able to do everything alone."

"Because you're afraid, really. You don't want to accept that you are rejected and uninmportant. That's why you always try to make yourself useful; because that's the only time that people actually take notice of you. What seems like a helping hand is but a mask of your desire to be noticed. Because you don't just want a simple acknowledgement, but to be known for real. That's why this blog is here. Even your parents, no? When you give vague answers like "okay lang" only a handful really asks further. And of those handful it is but only a routine.

But then is there a place for such intimacy in mere friendship? Aren't you, in fact, looking for something that can only be found in a commited relationship?

No, you say. You don't want to believe otherwise. That's why you always ask how people are doing. Aren't friends supposed to do that?"

"I don't know.

Apparently not."

And when I think about it like that I get stuck, and I feel sad, then I realize I'm making too much a big deal out of it, when really, it isn't. It shouldn't be. So I stop thinking about it.

And then I try to think that I should be satisfied in Christ and that it is God who loves me and knows me in the deepest and truest sense but I just can't feel it.

Then I just stop thinking at all.

In the end, I think all these "pretexts" of helping and being nice and asking how others are are real too. At the very least, they are now.

And I lost all four ranked games today. Oh well.

On the up side, I did study a lot.

October 28, 2015 Thursday

The past two days have been rather uneventful.

But today is a good day. I shared the gospel to T-! I'd also like to share it to A- and A- and also the star when I get the chance. I've always been looking for a chance to share it to the star but I always back out, thinking "not yet, not yet."

I'm not going to follow up because I might have impure motives. But I will be praying, and we're friends anyway so I can at least do it informally. In the proper contexts of course.

I also updated things I want to do. Why do I want to do too many things? Anyway, I like those things. So I'm gonna do them, if God permits.

I'm reading proverbs! I feel it good to read a proverb a day and also a separate reading of the new and the old testament. I'll do that starting tomorrow. And I should read in the morning so that my mind doesn't go astray.

Speaking of which, I had the most wonderful dream last night. I can't remember what it is but I know I had powers in it and that I was saving someone and that I felt very, very good and refreshed upon waking up to my alarm. But then I should start practicing waking up like a soldier so that my mind doesn't go astray, and that I get more time. Also so I could go with the reading plan.

I wonder how she's doing? I heard from C- the general state of affairs there and I think she might be panicking knowing that she doesn't have a lot of confidence in her skills (she really should have though).

So I would also like to start praying for the whole batch!

In our training I learned a different version of the disarm in PE, and two different pathways. Also that armlock that sir Brix did to me, I know that now. I learn a lot everyday! And I'm happy about it.

Anyway I'm sleepy now. Good night!!

October 25 2015 Sunday

I didn't finish 198 today. For some reason the system is not feasible. I'll try again tomorrow.

I'm still thinking about relationships. I don't know, maybe because it's a big deal at this age.

Okay so this post almost got stuck in the saving bug in the blogger app for android! I didn't know it didn't work properly. Thank God I found a workaround on the internet: quickly tap a published post and a stuck saving post in quick succession. And voila!

So there we go! Oh, I didn't do 198. I decided I'll focus on boards, do my best there. Of course, I will make a general program in my new version of MATLAB, after boards, complete with GUI.

October 24, 2015 Saturday

Today I studied in best place and beyond! (Not the real name) It's hard being the fifth wheel. They'd talk to each other and it feels so private and it's a little awkward to ask what's happening.

Also it's a lot less chaotic than expected. Everyone is very serious while studying.

And H- made me watch an episode of Big Bang. It's fairly funny, I must admit. But it's not something I'd like to follow.

So I also studied a lot. I'm done with Day 1 but I don't want to move on to other days. Especially Day 2.

So I read in an askreddit thread about taking the chance etc. I don't really know, I feel I always want to try being in a relationship but I don't want to play around either. Although I do feel like playing around a little. But that's my manipulative tendencies and I am afraid of it. But then these thoughts are probably just brought about by being fifth wheel for a little while.

I also wonder when I'll experience euphoria again. I kinda miss it. I don't even know what makes me happy now.

October 23, 2015 Friday

So today is the last day I'll see her. But it doesn't matter. Everything has been said and done, and let's just end it with that.

Of course I can't say that I've totally moved on. And I don't think it's possible to completely unlove someone. Romantically, perhaps yes. But the goodwill and fondness will linger. She's no longer as significant, but definitely not negligible. It will take time haha.

We ate lunch with the star at dimsum's! A very economical shop and the chili is legit spicy. It actually made me snot. Then her boyps came and they talked inside their world.

Sir efficient is very cool. And his smile at the end feels so legit that it's infectious. I felt happy that he's happy despite the loss.

Lc was not there. Apparently she didn't know even though I told her.

And I talked with j- on the way home. She has a very interesting upbringing, with the same aura as c-. And I told her a few things about my belief in love. And it's very rare to find someone who's more of a listener than I. Haha. Feels nice.

I also resumed my irish and french. I need to brush up a lot xD

Voy a escribir en español cuando tengo el tiempo. It takes a lot of time to look things up in the dictionary on my phone. I'll do that after boards.

I've decided I will give my best.

October 22 2015 Thursday

Today I studied again with at engglib2 with the usual two. I came early and fixed most of my updates to Anki. I still need to work on some inorganic chemistry topics. Also, I'll be using a mindmap for organic chemistry.

To be honest I am already confident in a number of ChE topics, such as thermodynamics, fluid mech, and transport phenomena. The other unit ops are mostly conceptual. I think the only ones I can't handle are sizing of centrifuge filters and centrifuges in general, the flux approach to thickeners, and LLE. But then I can do LLE if I just read on it. Although I do have to compile notes on those, especially the minimum slope definitions.

Every once in a while I wonder how she's doin just like this morning upon waking, but then I remind myself that it's no longer my place to think about that.

Today my brother got mad. I hate that he orders me around. All my life he never did once obey me, partly because my parents always back him up because he's the favorite (even though I have all the right as the firstborn). He has no right to demand obedience when he can't do that himself: always complaining, asking for reasons and explanations. He isn't even grateful that I do that; he can't have finished his application in alchemes if I didn't. And now that he doesn't need it, he'll just push me away. He doesn't even have the right to impose rules on me; I'm the firstborn.

So I'm going to give him what he wants. Let him have it then. Hands off, starting now.

And I remembered how our parents got mad at me for having impromptu dinner with the PIChE team. That was the day I cried on a jeepney. But then again I shouldn't compare because they are always more lenient on my brother.

It's just that I feel a little sad about it. That I couldn't have the same freedo back then. No matter, I'm going to have all the freedom (and the responsibilities) in just a few months.

So my brother actually apologized. It felt a little nice, but he still demanded me not to disturb him when he's with his friends. He has no right to order me around. He doesn't even know how to obey. And when did I even ever do that? He's not really sorry; I doubt he even knows what he did. He probably thinks it's about making me wait.

I didn't say anything; I didn't know what to say. Maybe next time I'll say it.