Hoy aprendó desarmar un asaltante. Okay it's pretty late now and I need to sleep soon for tomorrow's service so I'll just go with english.
I just want to pour out the things that are bugging me, in no particular order.
Acads. Hmm I'll be mild here. I think. It's better, of course, since this is rather public after all.
I now feel completely indifferent and unenthusiastic about it. Because it is really boring and pointless. Even sir O thinks so. I could see from his reaction and suggestion when he heard the mv. Well, they wanted this. L wanted this. And to keep the peace I gave in. So now it's not mine and it's her responsibility. It's just sad that I've never really done something like that that's mine. Even in HS my work is rejected.
Also I'm rather disappointed because they aren't owning up to it. They don't seem erious and are busy with their lives. Did they think I'll catch them? I won't, even if I fall. I'm not as unprofessional as to quit working altogether; I'm helping in any way I can. But I won't dampen the consequences at my expense. They should suffer it all. It's not fair to me if I carry the burden of their decision. If you live another life then I have something to do too. I'm not your safety net. If it's gonna be like this then they should've just left it to me in the first place.
You could've done so much
If you didn't insist on your ignorance.
But at least I've learned my lesson. I've learned who they are. And anyway it's not really something I cannot forgive. It's just that I'm disappointed.
Next. Summer moon. Not talking. Is it that she couldn't? Wouldn't? Shouldn't? I really don't believe that anyone would be so busy like that. Even after the appointed time the moon has still not risen. Would it hurt to say why?
Her. It's nothing really new but I'm really sad that I wasted a perfectly good friendship. Avoiding me when we're not alone. I wonder what she tells people? Anyway I've figured out long, long ago too that my decision is one-sided and that my presence is suffocating. So it would be better for her if I left her alone. I don't want to make it hard for her. Minsan, pag-ibig nga din namang lumayo. But I very well know that the ember of feelings will still burn even if I buried it and left it unfanned.
Me. What's with me that makes people want to leave? Ask anyone which group of friends I belong. None. Well, I'm friends with a lot of 'group of friends' but I don't belong anywhere. Like I'm a separate existence. It has its perks but it really makes me sad sometimes. Because it's always me who accompanies others and not vice versa.
That's why I want a girl who would actually do that. Not a princess, but a companion. But of course in Filipino culture it would be like the girl is courting me. Well, whatever. Isn't courting a two-way thing? You have to stop being so hard-to-get at one point. Don't get me wrong though, tsundere is perfectly fine. But I guess I'm yearning for companionship without the commitment. Ah well, it's fine. I'm more or less used to being a separate entity anyway.
And me. And God. I hate myself, wading in the mud. My conscience is long seared and I think God has given up on me too. I mean, the Bible says it's worse for me if I have heard and tasted the power of the Spirit only to have fallen away. And I have fallen again and again and again and again and again. I'm beyond reparrable and hope now, but something inside me wants to cling to the cross. That maybe the blood of grace that flowed out there is still enough to cleanse my sin. I'm not hoping that my callous heart be renewed anymore. But just something from Him to make me a better man- a holy man.
On a lighter note, I also want to talk about the 8+ hour blackout in our area a few days ago. It was a full moon and the streetlamps and the lights through the windows snuffed out like rows of candles in a hurricane. The golden moon shone in all its glory, a rainbow melded in its great halo. It hung low in the horizon, slowly rising, slowly lighting up everything under its cool, gentle eyes. I stared at it for a good 30 minutes. If it wasn't for the insects it'd probably more. It was so lovely, this light governing the night. Ah, just the thought of it makes me feel calm.
I just want to pour out the things that are bugging me, in no particular order.
Acads. Hmm I'll be mild here. I think. It's better, of course, since this is rather public after all.
I now feel completely indifferent and unenthusiastic about it. Because it is really boring and pointless. Even sir O thinks so. I could see from his reaction and suggestion when he heard the mv. Well, they wanted this. L wanted this. And to keep the peace I gave in. So now it's not mine and it's her responsibility. It's just sad that I've never really done something like that that's mine. Even in HS my work is rejected.
Also I'm rather disappointed because they aren't owning up to it. They don't seem erious and are busy with their lives. Did they think I'll catch them? I won't, even if I fall. I'm not as unprofessional as to quit working altogether; I'm helping in any way I can. But I won't dampen the consequences at my expense. They should suffer it all. It's not fair to me if I carry the burden of their decision. If you live another life then I have something to do too. I'm not your safety net. If it's gonna be like this then they should've just left it to me in the first place.
You could've done so much
If you didn't insist on your ignorance.
But at least I've learned my lesson. I've learned who they are. And anyway it's not really something I cannot forgive. It's just that I'm disappointed.
Next. Summer moon. Not talking. Is it that she couldn't? Wouldn't? Shouldn't? I really don't believe that anyone would be so busy like that. Even after the appointed time the moon has still not risen. Would it hurt to say why?
Her. It's nothing really new but I'm really sad that I wasted a perfectly good friendship. Avoiding me when we're not alone. I wonder what she tells people? Anyway I've figured out long, long ago too that my decision is one-sided and that my presence is suffocating. So it would be better for her if I left her alone. I don't want to make it hard for her. Minsan, pag-ibig nga din namang lumayo. But I very well know that the ember of feelings will still burn even if I buried it and left it unfanned.
Me. What's with me that makes people want to leave? Ask anyone which group of friends I belong. None. Well, I'm friends with a lot of 'group of friends' but I don't belong anywhere. Like I'm a separate existence. It has its perks but it really makes me sad sometimes. Because it's always me who accompanies others and not vice versa.
That's why I want a girl who would actually do that. Not a princess, but a companion. But of course in Filipino culture it would be like the girl is courting me. Well, whatever. Isn't courting a two-way thing? You have to stop being so hard-to-get at one point. Don't get me wrong though, tsundere is perfectly fine. But I guess I'm yearning for companionship without the commitment. Ah well, it's fine. I'm more or less used to being a separate entity anyway.
And me. And God. I hate myself, wading in the mud. My conscience is long seared and I think God has given up on me too. I mean, the Bible says it's worse for me if I have heard and tasted the power of the Spirit only to have fallen away. And I have fallen again and again and again and again and again. I'm beyond reparrable and hope now, but something inside me wants to cling to the cross. That maybe the blood of grace that flowed out there is still enough to cleanse my sin. I'm not hoping that my callous heart be renewed anymore. But just something from Him to make me a better man- a holy man.
On a lighter note, I also want to talk about the 8+ hour blackout in our area a few days ago. It was a full moon and the streetlamps and the lights through the windows snuffed out like rows of candles in a hurricane. The golden moon shone in all its glory, a rainbow melded in its great halo. It hung low in the horizon, slowly rising, slowly lighting up everything under its cool, gentle eyes. I stared at it for a good 30 minutes. If it wasn't for the insects it'd probably more. It was so lovely, this light governing the night. Ah, just the thought of it makes me feel calm.
No comments:
Post a Comment