Today the purple star turned blue. It burned a cold, seething rage.
It's interesting that my dad and the star reads this, because although it caused some strife, I at least know it serves its purpose. I'll keep writing and trust my previous self's judgment on making this.
Hats off though, that normal pretense was splendid. Well, I can't really do anything about it if they didn't want to talk about it. I like to talk about things, but not everyone rationalizes their feelings like me. That can't be helped. Although I think it'd be proper to put a clearer and less redundant copy.
Sorry, I can't help thinking like that. When I'm negative, everything becomes negative. I'd often think of running away from home and suicide a few years ago when I used to quarrel with my mother. (I have it all planned out actually, where to live and how to earn money in at least five different scenarios). But basically it happens when my mood is bad and when I have internal problems, the latter being the case. Something about my unhealthy spirit. Not like an hour of sunday sermon a week is enough to keep me healthy. And it's not like there's someone to take care of me. After all, it's me; I should be able to do this on my own, right? I honestly wish that was true.
No, I'm not excusing myself that I thought about it, because at that moment it was real. I think all feelings are real, even both my more extreme melancholies and senseless euphoria (I'm slightly bipolar legit, if you haven't already known that). What I don't do, or can't do rather, is hide them. Because I'm real and I don't fake my feelings.
I'm pretty much transparent except maybe for the confusing case of silence. As far as I know there are only three: tiredness, focus, and rage. When I'm tired I'm more irritable and sigh to show my annoyance, and when I'm focused it takes a lot to snap me out of it. When I'm mad it's directed only at one person and I'd act normal with others. But in all three I keep silent. I think there are only two cases when I failed to contain the implosion of rage. I don't know yet if there are other meanings to my silence. It usually takes around 30 minutes before I cool down and everything returns to normal. My brother subconsiously knows better about that.
Anyway, there is no such thing as fake or real feelings. I think the best and worst of people. If anything, it reflects less of what I think about a person but more of who I am. I can be really judgmental when I'm happy and mad (I can have more than one emotion at a time, remember?). But if you ask what I think about you in my normal mood, well, it's unremarkable and superficial. Although I'd classify friends and acquaintances and enemes. Although I'm not really antagonistic against anyone, more for people antagonistic against me. Or avoiding me.
So that's that. But well, since seeing that this can cause misunderstandings I'll also try to write happy things. Although I'm usually shallow and untalented in writing happy things, I'll still try.
Where should I start? I noticed that I have the same laptop as ma'am hya! And also I can now do better transitions in the guitar, although I only practiced a little today. I want to buy my own guitar after graduation. I'll learn the chords for Kismet tonight. And the cotton pieces floating around are really lovely! Like cherry blossom snow. I also saw a bunch of those cottons form a vortex, which is really cool.
Damn I suck at this. Haha well, it takes practice. We'll see.
Oh and I have to study the Bible regularly if I want to get well. Not that it helps by itself, but I am hoping that God will not keep his grace from me. So I'll start now too.
It's interesting that my dad and the star reads this, because although it caused some strife, I at least know it serves its purpose. I'll keep writing and trust my previous self's judgment on making this.
Hats off though, that normal pretense was splendid. Well, I can't really do anything about it if they didn't want to talk about it. I like to talk about things, but not everyone rationalizes their feelings like me. That can't be helped. Although I think it'd be proper to put a clearer and less redundant copy.
Sorry, I can't help thinking like that. When I'm negative, everything becomes negative. I'd often think of running away from home and suicide a few years ago when I used to quarrel with my mother. (I have it all planned out actually, where to live and how to earn money in at least five different scenarios). But basically it happens when my mood is bad and when I have internal problems, the latter being the case. Something about my unhealthy spirit. Not like an hour of sunday sermon a week is enough to keep me healthy. And it's not like there's someone to take care of me. After all, it's me; I should be able to do this on my own, right? I honestly wish that was true.
No, I'm not excusing myself that I thought about it, because at that moment it was real. I think all feelings are real, even both my more extreme melancholies and senseless euphoria (I'm slightly bipolar legit, if you haven't already known that). What I don't do, or can't do rather, is hide them. Because I'm real and I don't fake my feelings.
I'm pretty much transparent except maybe for the confusing case of silence. As far as I know there are only three: tiredness, focus, and rage. When I'm tired I'm more irritable and sigh to show my annoyance, and when I'm focused it takes a lot to snap me out of it. When I'm mad it's directed only at one person and I'd act normal with others. But in all three I keep silent. I think there are only two cases when I failed to contain the implosion of rage. I don't know yet if there are other meanings to my silence. It usually takes around 30 minutes before I cool down and everything returns to normal. My brother subconsiously knows better about that.
Anyway, there is no such thing as fake or real feelings. I think the best and worst of people. If anything, it reflects less of what I think about a person but more of who I am. I can be really judgmental when I'm happy and mad (I can have more than one emotion at a time, remember?). But if you ask what I think about you in my normal mood, well, it's unremarkable and superficial. Although I'd classify friends and acquaintances and enemes. Although I'm not really antagonistic against anyone, more for people antagonistic against me. Or avoiding me.
So that's that. But well, since seeing that this can cause misunderstandings I'll also try to write happy things. Although I'm usually shallow and untalented in writing happy things, I'll still try.
Where should I start? I noticed that I have the same laptop as ma'am hya! And also I can now do better transitions in the guitar, although I only practiced a little today. I want to buy my own guitar after graduation. I'll learn the chords for Kismet tonight. And the cotton pieces floating around are really lovely! Like cherry blossom snow. I also saw a bunch of those cottons form a vortex, which is really cool.
Damn I suck at this. Haha well, it takes practice. We'll see.
Oh and I have to study the Bible regularly if I want to get well. Not that it helps by itself, but I am hoping that God will not keep his grace from me. So I'll start now too.
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