July 1, 2016, Saturday

Today is the beginning of a new month. It seems fitting.

First of all I've realized some things. I tried to embrace myself, who I really am, what I really want. I had denied myself of some pleasures, trying to make myself feel guilty when I really don't. And you know what, I realized what makes my heart beat. I realized that these pleasures I denied myself were actually really useless things. They taste like cardboard in the face of this that makes my heart beat. With this, everything becomes enjoyable. The wind, the songs, the sun, the sky, the world.

Worship. That's what makes my heart beat.

And I have to fight for it. That wonderful, good feeling. That joy that pervades even through the most unlikely of times, the most unlikely of places.

In another note, M- really wanted to keep distance this time. So I didn't say anything just let it be since it's also good for her. But I'm a little sad about it. A little.

There's also an upcoming wedding of my close friend C-. I realized i'm going to meet her again, and i don't know what I really feel. There's something still, but not really the same as before. Anyway, we'll see.

I've also been writing about the Bloodstone. It sucks, but it's a start haha. I suppose it's pretty much inspired by wuxia genre, but it's not a true wuxia. So it doesn't really fit into any category. That means it has no audience yet. That means it also has potential to be a new thing. Although I don't really care, I just want to write it.

That's all for today. About studying new languages, I realized I d not have the time to study so many things at the same time. So right now i just focus on karate. Master is about to retire and I want to maximize the lessons I have.

I am fairly proficient on the 21 sets of the nunchucks, and it's fairly easy to convert from there to application. Although of course it needs a lot of practice to make it really mine, especially with the footwork and transitions to defense. It's basically cadenilla, to be honest. With this, I'll be able to progress fairly fast in my arnis.

I also still practice arnis. I'm trying to be able to do the basic stuff (13 basic strikes, 12 defenses, bigay-tama, 12 methods, 5 doblada blahblah (don't know what it's called, but I think it's from another style not inherently from LSci))- I'm trying to do all these on both hands with fair proficiency. Of course I'm still right-handed, and I learned from karate that that's something you have to accept. That means although you can still perform the basics on the other hand, in real combat you would need to make that other hand specialize in other things.

Like a knife, in espada y daga. But that's still a far away level for me. Especially since I'm practicing on my own.

June 18, 2016 Sunday

Hey, it's been a while. A LOT of stuff happened, and I have time tonight so I will write them all down. I still write a little on my personal notebook.

Today, I'm pretty sad. It's been like this for a few days now. I feel empty and without purpose. I suppose this is a backlash of neglecting my soul, in favor of reading I Shall Seal The Heavens. It's a long wuxia novel, pretty good I must say. I also indulged myself a lot lately, and I am a huge wreck right now.

So the last thing I posted here was on December 8 last year. Long story short, I asked F- out but she turned me down. She's busy with studies, I understand. And then during the course of the year M- and I got a little close and she confessed to me. I saw that coming, I must admit but you know how I blatantly ignore the signs because I do not want to assume things, just like what happened with C- back in highschool. Anyway I turned her down. Yes, it'sad. I don't regret it though. And then I- also told me she liked me before, but that's a long time ago so yeah.

Why am I saying this? I don't know. To boost my ego maybe? I don't really know what I want anymore. M- meets the criterion, passes for a lot in the ideal. I just don't know.

Okay, I know why. Because that's not me. I am not the man I think I am. I am not godly at all, just a repressed guy who thinks Christianity is good and tries to be someone else.

So this is me. The real me; the 'unsaved' me. I will tell all my fantasies today.

I want to do something great. I want to accomplish something. I want to be successful, someone people can look up to. But I tell myself those things are pointless. They are not important at all, if you look at eternity. That it is a sin of pride! But no really, I want to be great.

I want a beautiful woman. I want to feel the thrill of romance. I want to get married to a doctor. No it's not a fetish don't ask. But I tell myself that's not real love. That it is the sin of lust. And the sin of pride. It is unfair to the woman, for I love her according to my ideals.

There. I said it. I just want to give vent to my feelings.

We had this huge turnaround at the refinery. I don't want to stay here anymore. The managers here do not seem to think of anything but money. Heck, it's a company value called 'business orientation.' Fuck that, it's just capitalism. Health, Safety, and Environment aren't given proper attention. It's only when there's issues that they do, and it's only just to cover up the issues.

They don't give a shit about their people. The system is all messed up and no one seems to notice. The "pabibos" are rewarded. Hell man, if you can't reward the quiet ones you're damn sure they don't give a shit.

Well, it will work out for them. They WILL earn money that much I can say. I mean, that's what they do. But they have no soul. Safety first and envi shit and vision shitter are all lipservice

My soul is being sucked out in here.

I have a lot more to say but I just can't think. It's all jumbled up right now.

M- must be seething mad right now because I just straight up vanished. I can see it in her fb posts. I don't really want to explain. I don't have the obligation.

I feel sad. That's all. I don't want to start talking to anyone. So yeah. I always do the probing so it's not so bad to take some time off it.

I don't have many friends. I mean sure I can be friends have some fun but there is always this part of me that's different. And it's basically a huge chunk. That's why I don't have best friends, because best friends by definition almost always shares for your interest. And my interests are so varied and so shallow that they do not penetrate to my soul.

December 8, 2016 Thursday

Today is Petron's Christmas party. Pretty chill day, although I feel sick.

Also, today I have decided.

Actually it was two days ago. I've decided I'll pursue F-. Do I need to explain it? It's already in Criterion. Although it did take me a while to solidify my resolve. I really don't know what to do though, I'm thinking pursuing someone isn't really much different from my normal life, except I'll let her know who I am more than anyone else does. All the things I've thought in the past aren't helping me now haha. I just think love is when someone else's happiness become yours.

In some ways I still remember her (C-), what I felt back then. How I was enamored by her smile, how every crease on her face and every inch of her hair seemed so significant to me. How I decided I'd love her. And here I am, going to do that again. Will it be the same? Does it matter? I think not.

The Lord has been good to me. I don't really know why I'm saying this. But I just want say it. The Lord is good. I sometimes wonder, with all these blessings, how can I bring people to Him? I am an odd one in the workplace, the only one who does not ride on green jokes. I just do my work, that's it. How can I tell them of the gospel? It's something I have not learned in Campus Crusade. Actually I can tell them the gospel, but I do not ask for commitment. I want to learn how I can share the gospel in the workplace.

There is not much I want to say now. I just blurt things out right now. I just want to sort things out yet let things be. God is Sovereign. I am responsible. I also want to exhort my fellow Christians who do not act like it.

August 31, 2016 Wednesday

I moved a bit to the personal notebook. Many of my deeper thoughts especially regarding the future will be there. In any case, I'll still post here once in a while if I manage to write something.

August 29, 2016 Monday

Today is a holiday.

Some more personality tests

Cerebral Personality Test Results

58% Cerebral

Scoring highly suggests you are likely to be very inquisitive, exploring, scientific, contemplative, self-examining, and philosophical. Low scorers, will generally tend towards the opposite of the above. They will tend to be more conventional, less curious and analytical, less focused on the big picture / global variables, and more comfortable identifying as part of maintream culture.

Career Inventory Test Results Extroversion |||||||||||||||||| 59% Emotional Stability |||||||||||| 38% Orderliness |||||||||||||||||| 57% Accommodation |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74% Inquisitiveness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 71% Your SLOAN personality type is SCOAN, people with your personality type are drawn to or more tolerant of the following careers - event planner, wedding planner, early childhood educator, child care worker, preschool teacher, secretary, hair stylist, event coordinator, receptionist, guidance counselor, home maker, social services worker, school counselor, beautician, office assistant, stay at home parent, social worker, make up artist, fashion industry, hair dresser, kindergarten teacher, school psychologist, administrative assistant, fashion merchandiser, stylist, counselor, public relations specialist, personal assistant, child psychologist, nanny, health care worker, elementary school teacher, cosmetologist, midwife, pediatric nurse, nurse practitioner, customer service employee, interior designer, office worker

Take Free Career Test
Personality Test by SimilarMinds.com

Maslow Inventory Results

Physiological Needs (17%) you appear to have everything you need to survive physically. Safety Needs (60%) you appear to have an adequately secure environment. Love Needs (60%) you appear to be semi-content with the quality of your social connections. Esteem Needs (57%) you appear to have a medium level of skill competence. Self-Actualization (68%) you appear to have a high level of individual development.

Take Free Maslow Inventory Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

I really enjoyed my vacation :) I didn't really think of the work issue anymore. I dropped to Platinum 3 though, but I had fun.

August 26, 2016 Friday

Today my heart sank.

I spearheaded the dessicant changeout of one of our new dryers because of the recent high pressure drop issue. It is a long weekend (vacation until monday) and I was really looking forward to it. I was travelling home, sitting quietly in the bus when I received three texts from our outgoing OE that one of the critical units is on shutdown because of my dryer. Turns out it wasn't because of the dryer. At least based on the trend.

A lot of things went through my mind. The Lord is good. The Lord is sovereign.

At least I have decided that I will not stay, because I do not want to be on call. It would be difficult for my future family.

Anyway I'm gonna sleep tight now. :) Good night!

August 17, 2016 Wednesday

Today I did a lot of things at work.

I forewent my weight training, compiling for the dream, and stock market study in favor of finishing the BPSec questions. I have no reference / guide as to the kind of questions I will give so I just put what's on my mind. Although I think the things that I remembered are fairly simple stuff.

It's hard to make interesting questions. It will be even harder to automate this. In any case, I will not give up on the dream.

I did not forego Duolingo haha.

I want to talk to people too.

August 15, 2016 Monday

Today I tried to minimize social media. I think I still spent around 1 hour with it. Here is my routine on Monday and Wednesdays:

Duolingo - 5 minutes per course, 3 spanish 3 german 3 french 1 hebrew - total 50 minutes
Karate practice - (Chiishi + belt practice) - 1 hour

I reduced chiishi weight to 7.5 lbs, since I'm doing 25 lbs for whole body weight training. (I reduced from half weight to one-fourth weight, in favor of increasing repetitions from 8 to 12).

I also watched Encantadia which took a bit of my time.

I only have 4 hours a day to do things. Including eating and bathing that's around 3 hours. I can do Bible reading and a few Duolingo lessons in the morning and lunch.

Which leaves me with around 1 hour left. I am reading on stock markets book and writing on this blog; that makes it 30 minutes. I should minimize my time for chat, since if I start chatting I cannot do anything anymore.

In any case, I have discovered Deped Tambayan from my elementary teacher.

http://depedtambayanph.blogspot.com/

Looks like a good start. I have not done BP Sec questions too. I will do that first now, before I proceed with the dream.

August 14, 2016 Sunday

Today is more or less a typical Sunday. Go to church, have lunch, go back to Bataan, wash clothes, work out, etc.

Today more or less typical, except that today I planned The Dream. Actually, I woke up 5:00 earlier since I didn't want to sin any longer and started planning the dream.

Here is the vision:
1. to improve education in the Philippines, and
2. spread the Gospel through this

Due to the second bullet, it would be difficult for me to find secular partners.

That's it. The plan is to do this by:

1. Compiling resources and making them available online for free
2. Making educational tools such as
1. Question Generator / Worksheet generator
2. Flash cards 
3. Audio (for language subjects)
3. Moving in the grassroots by establishing tutorship
4. Moving in the grassroots by teaching parents to teach their children
5. Developing free distance learning courses

For now the immediate goal by the end of this year is to have a working resource compilation of K-12 students on Math and Science. Without this, I cannot proceed.

Things I need to think about:

1. The materials offered should be standardized. Do I standardize them? Do I make new ones?

I  have contacted my teachers in Congress. I will contact my teachers in Pisay too.

I will make a more concrete work item list tomorrow.

August 13, 2016 Saturday

Today I'm happy!

It's been a long while since I last had a chill Saturday. The meeting with B- did not push through.

I had driving lessons in the morning. I can drive well without pressure but I panic when there are a lot of cars around me. We went from SM through Commonwealth to Ever and turned right to Mapayapa was it? not really sure. Anyway from there we went through a lot of places and came back to A1 training center.

I went to Smart Center to have my SIM's mobile data fixed. They couldn't do it.

I played LoL all afternoon.

We had sinigang na boneless bangus for dinner. It's my favorite!! (I love sinigang and I love seafood)

I don't know what she's thinking.

I am going to start the dream!! I will need a framework first.

Romance

Not to add to the millions of voices and advices and gurus, but to keep what you have learned.

This is your ideal progression: friends -> courtship -> girlfriend -> engagement -> marriage. Of course it doesn’t have to be that way, but friendship is very important since it provides 1) the necessary time for discernment of her character and 2) it is the foundation of the dynamics of the relationship.

When you have discerned with prayer and fasting and meditation in the word, court the girl. Again it doesn’t have to be that way (you can jump to 3! haha), but courtship provides the girl the necessary time for discernment of your character and intentions. During this trial I hope you do not back out. That is your personal policy, isn’t it?

Truth be told, it is only up to there that you have mulled about. “We’ll cross the bridge when we get there.” Although of course I know you imagine yourself sharing activities and working complementarily and side by side with a partner.

In any case, you have set your ideals on marriage:

1. She is a woman – just to be sure... though I have already said my piece on homosexuality
2. She is a ministry partner – In Genesis 2, right after God gave Adam the task to take care of Eden and commanded him to keep His words, He said “it is not good for man to be alone,” and eventually gave her Eve. I think that is no coincidence. This is also highlighted in 1 Cor 7, where the apostle Paul says “the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they do not...” After all, marriage isn’t about making me happy; it’s about making me happy in the LORD and glorify Him.
3. She is a partner – she not necessarily be a housewife. Others use the word ‘helpmeet.’ And if she is a partner, then she must be able and she must be willing (see #4).
4. She is submissive – this may be controversial but I mean this not just sexually (1 Cor 7 again) but in everything (Eph 5, Col 3). These were written to the saints (meaning, to Christian families), and our family should definitely qualify as one. Submission isn’t a bad thing as feminists suppose; remember, the Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve. The Kingdom is not of this world. 
5. She is a Christian – this almost automatically follows from #2 but this is specific in 1 Cor 7:39. And besides “mahirap mabuhay nang hindi mo nash-share ang pinakamasarap na parte ng buhay mo”

 Now ideally, we have the following qualities from the oh-so-famous Proverbs 31:

1. Trustworthy
2. Brings no harm
3. Works and Labours
4. Diligent, not idle
5. Manages assets and properties
6. Benevolent to the poor
7. “Clothed with strength and dignity”
8. “Speaks with wisdom and faithful instruction”
9. Fears the LORD 

And we have the following from other proverbs

1. Not adulterous (uhh c’mon) (Pr 2,5,6,7,23)
2. Not unruly (Pr 9:13)
3. Kindhearted (Pr 11:16)
4. Shows discretion (Pr 11:22)
5. Wise (Pr 14:1)
6. Prudent (Pr 19:14)
7. Not contemptible (Pr 30:23)
8. Not quarrelsome (Pr 19:13, 21:9, 21:19, 27:15)

And lastly, I must find her attractive (although to be honest I find a lot of people attractive). Perhaps another controversy on the idea of beauty, but there’s Song of Solomon showing the love of a husband to a wife. It’s the inside that counts most, yes, because “charm is fleeting and beauty is deceptive” and “like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion” but God created the body too, and we are also to take care of it. Which means it doesn’t have to conform to human standards of beauty (but I think you’ve already gone beyond that). But I must find her attractive. God called Ezekiel’s wife “the delight of your eyes,” and there is Pr 5:18, which is rather impossible to do if I do not at least find her attractive.

That said, who fits the above qualities??

Nope. Not gonna go there xD

(I’ve talked too much about this on Random Journals already haha)

Letters to Myself 12

August 10, 2016 Wednesday

Today we had firefighting training!!

I wanted to be second in line because I thought I was strong enough to carry the hose. But apparently I wasn't. I am reminded of my own weaknesses.

Anyhow, when NVB took the third man it became SO much easier. I wonder if it's just that noisy tomboy not pushing hard enough.

I really don't like that girl. She's so full of herself. Full of comments too. And then there were these two supposedly from safety that keep on giving me 'tips' not looking that I'M ACTUALLY DOING THEM. And their tips aren't really helpful. The hold that they teach us was so much less efficient than the first one that I learned.

And there was this Nat Geo film shooting thing that took up our time. It's fine though, since I've experienced firefighting already.

There was this girl that looks so much like M-. I remembered again that I really like M- if not for the fact that she's not... that.

P- keeps on talking to me and I don't want that because bro code. But I can't push her away either given her circumstances. In any case I'll try L-'s suggestion.

S- never replies. What happened to friendship tho

I like my work. There are no deadlines.

I have good friends. I must accept that along with the fact that my activities are solo activities. I know deep inside that I just want to be the center of a group of friends. But that's not how it works. And that is full of pride.


I'm starting to learn Hebrew from Duolingo. I'm going to drop learning Gaeilge.

I like E-. She's so cute! And very efficient. Idk I like her a bit. I need to consolidate my belief in love and romance.

I am going to re-establish this! And also my daily reading

Doors

"Love is an open door~"

When I was a kid (before our house was renovated), my parents told me that I sleepwalked once in the middle of the night. They woke up and saw me opening the screen to the outside. Apparently, I had already opened both the locked bedroom door, the door to the outside, and the screen. That’s a lot of doors for a kid. My eyes were closed. They put me back in bed, back to sleep.

I have no recollection of that event.

Ever since I can remember, our doors are now bolted and double-locked.

My mother used to work when I was still in pre-school. Both my parents came home late, and I liked waiting for them. I don’t know if we talked much, of what we talked about, or if we had anything to talk about at all. Parents are usually too adult to talk to children But I waited for them anyway. I don’t know why, maybe I liked it. I remember every Friday night when Dad would always bring home a kiddie meal pasalubong, with a toy from Jollibee that I probably got tired of the next day. I had lots and lots of toys back then; three baskets and a cabinet. They never seemed to be enough.  I remember also the soggy fries that smelled of newspaper that was stuck in the back of Dad’s bag. It came with the happy meal. I liked those fries.

During the day Nanay takes care of me and my cousin. I like Nanay. She used to buy us forbidden toys from Bayan and it was our dirty little secret. I had Yu-Gi-Oh cards because of her. She used to comfort us when Mama gets mad. She had no power in the house, but it was in the shadows that she showed her love.

I go home early. I sleep early. In fact, I’m known for sleeping at 10 PM. Back in Congress everybody went home after class, when the bell rings. Everyone came running toward the gate, from Grade 1 to Grade 6, whatever the age. I was like that in Pisay, too. After class, I went home immediately. Mama always waited for me in the front lobby. We live very far. We live past Fairview where nobody ever decides to meet. It is an hour and a half or so worth of travel time, going back or forth. I did not join any organization in high school because of that.

When I was 3^rd year, Mama got sick and I was left to go home on my own. I was really very worried for Mama. I still left home as soon as class is over. I have nothing to do anyway. No one expects me to do something after the bell rings.

When I was in 4^th year there were many overnights and outings. I did not join unless it was required for academics. My parents don’t allow it. Otherwise I’d have the doors locked on me. Once, Dad got home late from his friend’s invitation and Mama stayed up late to wait for him. She raised hell in the darkness of the night, waking up all the neighbours to the end of the street and shut the door and gate on Dad. Nanay secretly opened it later for him. He slept outside our room. My parents did not talk for one week.

Curfew was a no small cause of contention between us. I felt like I am old enough and I could take care of myself already. After all, everyone in my batch is free to stay up late. But we live very far, and we had no car, and I could not contest that. I resigned myself to this reasonable fact.

I went to UP with much the same habit, of going home and sleeping early. It was this curfew that kept me from joining orgs. I can’t stay beyond school hours, so I really enjoyed my breaks. I didn’t mind having long breaks, waiting around doing nothing.

However, as I grew older I realized that nobody has curfew anymore, since everybody keeps asking, “may curfew ka pa rin?” (you still have curfew?). Yes I did. Yes I do.

There was not much I can do about it. We live very far, and we have no car. The doors will be locked, and I have no keys.

Once in 4^th year there was a PIChE Quiz Bowl training and we decided to eat out at Steveston’s. I tried to push my luck and stayed, but it was 9 PM already and just as the pizza arrived, I had to leave. There was no room for delay. I was really mad then. I’m a graduating student and I have a damn 10 PM curfew. I cried in the jeepney on the way home. I figured I’ll wait for graduation, and then I’ll be free.

After graduation I went to a friend’s thanksgiving party in Pampanga, and there was a spontaneous overnight invitation, since it was getting late anyway. I tried to push my luck again – I’m a graduate now – but to no avail. I got really mad again. I’m a college graduate and I have a damn 10 PM curfew. I cried in the bus on the way home. I drank a cup from the half-empty wine bottle in our fridge. I did not get drunk. But I talked to Dad about it, how Mama always gets hysterical every time, how they are always worried, that someone was waiting for me.

I did not have keys. The doors were bolted. Someone had to wait for me.

And then I worked. Far from home, a new place. Quiet, a little isolated, a bit to my liking. Freedom. It was the first time I could stay up as much as I wanted to. But there’s nothing to do in Bataan anyway, and old habits are hard to break. I still slept at 10 PM. But I had freedom, and that made me happy. I had keys, for the first time in my life. No one had to wait for me. No one was waiting for me. It was just a bed to sleep on.

Sometimes it is not the open door that we want, but what lies behind it.

I try to go home every weekend, but there is not much to talk about. It’s not that parents are too adult to talk to their child; not anymore. It’s that they have nothing much to say, except for their usual advice.

Tonight I pushed my lucked. We live very far, and we have no car. My phone was muted, and I did not hear the seven missed calls. I saw the texts; I could see my mother hysterically shouting behind that long all caps text. I ignored the heartache that came to mind whenever she feels unloved for oh so many times. I did not reply.

I already asked them to go on ahead and sleep. They did not have to wait for me. I am old enough to take care of myself already. A little freedom can’t hurt. I just wanted to have an open door to go home to. I cried in the UV on the way home.

I don’t have pasalubong. We don’t have much to talk about anyway, just a few words to exchange. I wonder why they insist on waiting. Perhaps, they just liked it.

Tonight I came home at 12 mn. The lights are out, the doors were locked, I had no key. I could see the yellow-orange glow of the baby light that we use when we sleep. I reached behind the gate and opened it from the inside. I tapped on Nanay’s window thrice, and called out to her. She opened the back door for me. I hugged her tight. “Thank you Nay.”

In the pot was sinigang na hipon, my favourite of favourites. Everyone is asleep. We don’t have much to talk about anyway, maybe it doesn’t really matter. I need a couch to sleep on tonight.

I’m sorry. I love you too.

July 6, 2016 Wednesday

Today is Eid al Fitr.

No work today, so I went to SM Pampanga with S-. Actually I called her on Sunday even before it was officially announced. Got too excited at the prospect that I didn't verify the date. Good thing it worked out.

I slept 1:30 AM last night because of DotA and woke up 7:30 today. Left home at 8:00 AM, withdrew some money and ate breakfast at Treats.

I spent a lot of money today, but that doesn't matter really.

A brownout happened at Treats just as I was about to buy bottled water. So I just left, waited for the bus and arrived at The waiting shed around 9:40. Her dad drove us to Balanga, where we rode a bus to SM Pampanga.

We ate at Shakey's (she said she was craving for it when we passed by a Shakey's along the road) (Manager's choice thin crust regular and 3 pc chicken with mojos) and then we went to Sky Ranch and rode Space Shuttle (kinda rotating thing), Vikings, Loop coaster, Pampanga Eye, and Field coaster. The last one was supposed to be drop tower but she was dizzy from Vikings. (She gets dizzy on slow rides)

If I were objective I'd say it was very expensive and the rides were a little disappointing but idk I really really had fun with her haha. Just my bias.

And we talked about lots of things. About the dream, about her life, my life, anything and everything we thought about. I'd like to write it to record it but I think I'd keep it to myself.

I especially like it that I can share Bible stuff with her, like Eutychus falling asleep and the Samaritan woman having 6 ex's and 1 churot, and "do not awaken love until it so desires."

We went to Il Padrino and bought latte and iced tea talked some more. We left at around 5:30 and the bus left at 6. I was supposed to take her to alasasin but it was late already (7:30 and we are in Petron) and I know that there would be no bus that can take me home so I took my leave early and went to Meksicoffee. I met some friends there. I should note the departure time next time.

It's been a while since I last posted and this is all I'll talk about. Work stuff are a bit secret but it's fun.
 
I'm stupidly grinning here while typing all these, seriously. :))

April 23 2016, Saturday

Oh Lord. I cannot NOT write about this. It's a precious Saturday.

I went to Balanga early, arrived there at around 3 pm. Ate at KFC and read the Silmarillon. Then I walked along capitol ave and I figured I'd look for The Beanery, which is a good place, according to my research and previous recommendations from my friends. It was along the road and I also found Tetak's grill and Lou-is and another Japanese resto. And I walked around the city hall and I decided to rest and continue reading the Silmarillon. I waited until it was 5:40 then I stood by the nearby 7-11 of BPSU waiting for her.

She wasn't hungry yet so she decided we watch a movie (I didn't know there was a moviehouse there, she only heard it too) but the next showing was at 8-10 so we decided to scrap that and just bum around and watch the fountain before dinner. But since we're just gonna sit anyway I suggested we just sit inside Cafe Kyoto.

On our way up the servers told us we were just in time for the opening. They had to temporarily close for a while because of a party. When we got there we were the only ones, from beginning to end. It's like God reserved the whole place for us. Haha.

We talked about anything and everything and I won't write it here because I'll just keep it in my heart.

Then before we went home she bought a gift for her cousin in the department store and I bought some house stuff too.

Then we rode a trike to the highway and we rode a bus. She shut her eyes since she was tired and she was a little sick and oh Lord she's beautiful. She traced the veins in the back of my palm as we talked about IV.

I went with her until alas-asin and I didn't realize there's no bus to get me back home so they ended up driving me to Petron, their whole family, that is. Shame. Hahaha.

I am not used to being on the receiving end of grace from other people. It's the first time I realized what it means to owe love. And I'm sure now that I really like her.

April 10, 2016 Sunday

Night shift is fun so far. I would've thought I'd do worse but apparently I can adjust my body clock just fine.

All this talk with A- about personality tests spurred me to answer two in my favorite site similarminds.com

Career Inventory Test Results Extroversion ||||||||||||||||||||| 65% Emotional Stability ||||||||| 26% Orderliness |||||||||||||||||| 57% Accommodation ||||||||||||||||||||| 66% Inquisitiveness |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82% Your SLOAN personality type is SCOAN, people with your personality type are drawn to or more tolerant of the following careers - event planner, wedding planner, early childhood educator, child care worker, preschool teacher, secretary, hair stylist, event coordinator, receptionist, guidance counselor, home maker, social services worker, school counselor, beautician, office assistant, stay at home parent, social worker, make up artist, fashion industry, hair dresser, kindergarten teacher, school psychologist, administrative assistant, fashion merchandiser, stylist, counselor, public relations specialist, personal assistant, child psychologist, nanny, health care worker, elementary school teacher, cosmetologist, midwife, pediatric nurse, nurse practitioner, customer service employee, interior designer, office worker

Take Free Career Test
Personality Test by SimilarMinds.com

Enneagram Test Results Type 1 Perfectionism |||||||||||||||| 62% Type 2 Helpfulness |||||||||||||||| 66% Type 3 Image Focus |||||| 28% Type 4 Individualism |||||||||||||| 58% Type 5 Intellectualism |||||||||||||| 54% Type 6 Security Focus |||||||||||||| 54% Type 7 Adventurousness |||||||||||||| 54% Type 8 Aggressiveness |||||||||||| 48% Type 9 Calmness |||||||||||||||||| 76% Your main type is 9 Your variant is sexual

Take Free Advanced Enneagram Personality Test
Personality Test by SimilarMinds.com
 

I don't know what it means by sexual hahaha. But i guess it's not wrong.

Anyway, by God's grace I'm doing great! I am free from porn; not from temptation, but by God's grace alone (yes i have to repeat it) I can escape. Green jokes are a daily bread here, and it's hard not to laugh. But i will train myself not to, for there are things that one should laugh about and things that one should not. Somewhere in proverbs it says that the wicked laugh about doing evil. Non-verbatim of course.

They're not wicked people, by human standards. They're actually pretty good and helpful and all. But of course it's hard to judge based on that; you never know what a person really thinks. In any case I find them very agreeable.

I also change my stance about depravity. I mean, I still believe total depravity, but I also believe that God created man good. So there's no reason to be pessimistic, and there's every reason to believe that we need grace.

I have not given up my daily reading, nor physical exercise (karate, to be specific). I don't have much to tell, but perhaps the thing I have in mind right now is making a facebook page named "Word of Mouth" that puts side by side the modern equivalent of Bible sayings, especially Proverbs. Of course I also want to bring to light the difference between the Bible and modern thought.

In any case an example of is YOLO and "Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we will die." I notice a lot of these things during my reading but I have not taken note of them. The reading plan I follow goes through a chapter of proverbs a day anyway so I'll be able to do it. (Not that was not from proverbs but you get the point).

Yesterday was Dad's birthday and I called to greet him and of course he said thank you and take care and the usual eat a lot. We don't have much to talk about I guess. Parents don't usually talk to children about their lives anyway. It's queer; the parent-child relationship can perhaps be the most uninformed yet the closest too. There's something about just being together that makes a person know the other even though they don't actually know everything (like what they do or what they like and dislike and the little things). It doesn't always apply; knowing another person is always intentional. Just like knowing God

Also my shifting allowance will be enough to pay for my vow (that's 22k to missions). I made a vow when I was in high school and we were still in FTB, and I signed this envelope that said P20 a week and there was another that said P50 a week and I was never able to commit to that vow. Mama said it no longer holds but I know otherwise. After that I can give to my parents. And maybe I can make ligaw na (#conyo). Except wala pang liligawan.

It's hard to mingle with new people now, though I have friends that are girls but there's no one that I like enough. Like I tweeted, it's easy to like people. I like everyone (almost). The thing is I want to be friends first because of course what do you expect? Love at first sight? But like I said among my friends there's no one I like enough. There are people that I wouldn't mind, but that's not the same though.

Lately my fantasy is having it the other way around; the girl courting me (This is a remnant of the flesh I'm trying to kill). There's nothing wrong about that though, I mean the idea of the girl courting a guy (but fantasies are generally evil, because "whatever is true... think about such things."). Oftentimes I would be tempted at around 3 AM night shift, even while doing rounds inside the plant.

I'm going to write something about extreme Christianity and I will evaluate whether I should continue hobbies such as manga and LoL, and karate for that matter. The lattermost though, I don't think is evil. It's actually helping me a little in my walk with God.

March 30, 2016 Wednesday

It's been a while. I'm going to do shifting schedule starting on Friday, now that it's the Refinery's turnaround. That's 12 hours of work every day. I won't be going home for the whole of April.

H- asked if I'm courting L-. Told her it's a no, and for the same reason I didn't court C-. I'm not courting anyone yet. Didn't proceed to do so with S- too.

I talked this over with T- actually, and somehow I'm thinking I might be acting improperly toward her, as a friend. Anyway, the thing is I don't know what I want to do for life; how should I look for a life partner?

So much for that! I've been learning a lot and still underperforming though. Not sure I'm cut out for this xD oh well I'll just do my best; while avoiding overtime of course

February 20, 2015 Saturday

It's been a long, long while!!! I don't have a good internet connection in Bataan, not to mention I'm rather busy with extracurriculars. I tried badminton and table tennis for a few days but lately I've been spending time learning karate from master. I'm not going to forsake arnis, of course, it's just that this is more accessible at the moment. In fact, I'm going to bring my two sticks to Bataan tomorrow.

That said, we've been doing modules and a few errands as PE trainees. And I've been having fun so far.

Anyway, last Feb 13 S- texted me first. I have been texting every saturday for a few weeks and decided not to specifically on Feb 13, but voila! We'll also meet on Feb 25.

Will I court her? I don't know. Maybe. But recently my mind has been cleared up (thank God!!!). I know now what I'm looking for in a wife: someone to serve the Lord with. I knew this a few years ago but apparently it got muddled up after talking to C- for the last time. If I find that quality in S- then I might go for it. To be fair, I haven't seen that in anyone yet. I find people endearing and interesting, and I imagined myself serving C-, but I've never pictured myself standing side by side someone. Of course, service and love are part of romance but partnership; that's a different thing.

As I've been reading Sex and the Supremacy of Christ, I realized that these emotional attachments of mine (the summer moon, T-, and L-) are going to be a problem. I think it best to fix them before moving forward. But I am not really sure about that. In any case, it's more or less okay. I mean, I don't think it's a problem on their side anymore; it's more about my attitude toward others of the opposite sex.

Also the issue about Manny Pacquiao, I whipped up that note in a few minutes. I think it's good. Haha. N- dm'd me on twitter last night about it so I decided to write.

Of Homosexuality

I slightly touched on this topic on When Love is Wrong, but I want to clarify a few things about our take on homosexuality. It’s simple: Humans have rights, and humans are sinful. May karapatan, makasalanan.

I would like to ask both camps to please stop cherry-picking. And more importantly, it’s not about taking Manny’s side or not.

Yes we believe it’s a sin; go read Romans 1:22-31. Homosexuality is a sin along with “unrighteousness, fornication, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, debate, deceit, malignity; whisperers, Backbiters, haters of God, despiteful, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, Without understanding, covenantbreakers, without natural affection, implacable, unmerciful:" Although during that time the context might have been about male prostitution (I am not saying that it is), the apostle condemns the very act. It was more a side comment after talking about idolatry. (Go read the text itself, not Facebook posts, please. Read and see and think for yourselves, since you take so much pride in that.) Verse 27 “for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another.”

Atheists/unbelievers will say homosexuality is natural. Please note that we also believe that creation has been cursed, and natural doesn’t necessarily equate to good. I know you do not believe the Bible, but that is another issue. Let us be civil, just as you take so much pride in yourselves to be, and have some respect here.

Now to fellow Christians: that’s not the point at all. It is not just homosexuality. Notice that the apostle placed a greater value on the issue of lust. The standard is much, much higher. “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” “Be holy, for I am holy.”

We do not downplay sin, for “the fear of the Lord is to hate evil.” “But those who are outside God judges. Therefore ‘put away from yourselves the evil person.’” Not only that of others’, but also of ourselves. “If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.” We are all a sexually broken people, in one way or another. Don’t we also get caught up in the romances of this world and desire girlfriends and boyfriends and love life and sex and marriage more than God? These are means to worship, but in a sense we also have “worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator.” Do not cherry-pick.

“Those who are outside God judges.” That is not for us. I am for LGBT rights’ on marriages. Humans are sinful, but humans have rights. It is not the law that they need. They need the Christ, just as much as we do. Are we not free from the law? Then why do we impose it on others? Did not Moses create laws for divorce? Yet the Christ says “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.” No, it was not this way from the beginning. But “God gave them up into vile affections.”

If you are bothered by this, remember that these things must happen. “Knowing this first, that there shall come in the last days scoffers, walking after their own lusts, And saying, Where is the promise of his coming? For since the fathers fell asleep, all things continue as [they were] from the beginning of the creation.”

Yes, homosexuals have rights. And yes, we believe that homosexuality is a sin. Thankfully that is but the first chapter of Romans. We do not end there. At the beginning of bad news is good news. We might have been born this way or that way, but thankfully we can be born again. “But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, to those who believe in His name.” We look at sin in all its filth, so we can see the blood of Jesus in all its purity.

PS I salute you Manny for standing for what you believe in. I do hope that you tell the remainder of the story: that you tell the good news, for what has been quoted from you is only a distorted half-truth.

PSS Elections is a different matter