Today is a happier day. Like I said, I'll try writing happy things too.
The star is back to a purplish hue, although I can sense the blue in its more silent twinkling. Also the moon smiled a beautiful little crescent tonight.
Last night I fell asleep at 8:30 PM, woke up for a few minutes to brush my teeth then fell asleep again and did not wake until 6 AM today. That's the longest sleep I've had in years, I think. The emotional stress got through me, I suppose. But I felt refreshed as if I'm bathing in crystal clear water.
Anyway I found out another meaning of my silence, but it applies to only one person. I notice I shut up when she's around. Although that's one thing I can't rationalize.
Almost done with HAZOP. I'll go full time on Section 100 this weekend. :) Oh and también quiero que practicar espagnol.
Thursday, April 23, 2015
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
April 22 2015 Wednesday
Today the purple star turned blue. It burned a cold, seething rage.
It's interesting that my dad and the star reads this, because although it caused some strife, I at least know it serves its purpose. I'll keep writing and trust my previous self's judgment on making this.
Hats off though, that normal pretense was splendid. Well, I can't really do anything about it if they didn't want to talk about it. I like to talk about things, but not everyone rationalizes their feelings like me. That can't be helped. Although I think it'd be proper to put a clearer and less redundant copy.
Sorry, I can't help thinking like that. When I'm negative, everything becomes negative. I'd often think of running away from home and suicide a few years ago when I used to quarrel with my mother. (I have it all planned out actually, where to live and how to earn money in at least five different scenarios). But basically it happens when my mood is bad and when I have internal problems, the latter being the case. Something about my unhealthy spirit. Not like an hour of sunday sermon a week is enough to keep me healthy. And it's not like there's someone to take care of me. After all, it's me; I should be able to do this on my own, right? I honestly wish that was true.
No, I'm not excusing myself that I thought about it, because at that moment it was real. I think all feelings are real, even both my more extreme melancholies and senseless euphoria (I'm slightly bipolar legit, if you haven't already known that). What I don't do, or can't do rather, is hide them. Because I'm real and I don't fake my feelings.
I'm pretty much transparent except maybe for the confusing case of silence. As far as I know there are only three: tiredness, focus, and rage. When I'm tired I'm more irritable and sigh to show my annoyance, and when I'm focused it takes a lot to snap me out of it. When I'm mad it's directed only at one person and I'd act normal with others. But in all three I keep silent. I think there are only two cases when I failed to contain the implosion of rage. I don't know yet if there are other meanings to my silence. It usually takes around 30 minutes before I cool down and everything returns to normal. My brother subconsiously knows better about that.
Anyway, there is no such thing as fake or real feelings. I think the best and worst of people. If anything, it reflects less of what I think about a person but more of who I am. I can be really judgmental when I'm happy and mad (I can have more than one emotion at a time, remember?). But if you ask what I think about you in my normal mood, well, it's unremarkable and superficial. Although I'd classify friends and acquaintances and enemes. Although I'm not really antagonistic against anyone, more for people antagonistic against me. Or avoiding me.
So that's that. But well, since seeing that this can cause misunderstandings I'll also try to write happy things. Although I'm usually shallow and untalented in writing happy things, I'll still try.
Where should I start? I noticed that I have the same laptop as ma'am hya! And also I can now do better transitions in the guitar, although I only practiced a little today. I want to buy my own guitar after graduation. I'll learn the chords for Kismet tonight. And the cotton pieces floating around are really lovely! Like cherry blossom snow. I also saw a bunch of those cottons form a vortex, which is really cool.
Damn I suck at this. Haha well, it takes practice. We'll see.
Oh and I have to study the Bible regularly if I want to get well. Not that it helps by itself, but I am hoping that God will not keep his grace from me. So I'll start now too.
It's interesting that my dad and the star reads this, because although it caused some strife, I at least know it serves its purpose. I'll keep writing and trust my previous self's judgment on making this.
Hats off though, that normal pretense was splendid. Well, I can't really do anything about it if they didn't want to talk about it. I like to talk about things, but not everyone rationalizes their feelings like me. That can't be helped. Although I think it'd be proper to put a clearer and less redundant copy.
Sorry, I can't help thinking like that. When I'm negative, everything becomes negative. I'd often think of running away from home and suicide a few years ago when I used to quarrel with my mother. (I have it all planned out actually, where to live and how to earn money in at least five different scenarios). But basically it happens when my mood is bad and when I have internal problems, the latter being the case. Something about my unhealthy spirit. Not like an hour of sunday sermon a week is enough to keep me healthy. And it's not like there's someone to take care of me. After all, it's me; I should be able to do this on my own, right? I honestly wish that was true.
No, I'm not excusing myself that I thought about it, because at that moment it was real. I think all feelings are real, even both my more extreme melancholies and senseless euphoria (I'm slightly bipolar legit, if you haven't already known that). What I don't do, or can't do rather, is hide them. Because I'm real and I don't fake my feelings.
I'm pretty much transparent except maybe for the confusing case of silence. As far as I know there are only three: tiredness, focus, and rage. When I'm tired I'm more irritable and sigh to show my annoyance, and when I'm focused it takes a lot to snap me out of it. When I'm mad it's directed only at one person and I'd act normal with others. But in all three I keep silent. I think there are only two cases when I failed to contain the implosion of rage. I don't know yet if there are other meanings to my silence. It usually takes around 30 minutes before I cool down and everything returns to normal. My brother subconsiously knows better about that.
Anyway, there is no such thing as fake or real feelings. I think the best and worst of people. If anything, it reflects less of what I think about a person but more of who I am. I can be really judgmental when I'm happy and mad (I can have more than one emotion at a time, remember?). But if you ask what I think about you in my normal mood, well, it's unremarkable and superficial. Although I'd classify friends and acquaintances and enemes. Although I'm not really antagonistic against anyone, more for people antagonistic against me. Or avoiding me.
So that's that. But well, since seeing that this can cause misunderstandings I'll also try to write happy things. Although I'm usually shallow and untalented in writing happy things, I'll still try.
Where should I start? I noticed that I have the same laptop as ma'am hya! And also I can now do better transitions in the guitar, although I only practiced a little today. I want to buy my own guitar after graduation. I'll learn the chords for Kismet tonight. And the cotton pieces floating around are really lovely! Like cherry blossom snow. I also saw a bunch of those cottons form a vortex, which is really cool.
Damn I suck at this. Haha well, it takes practice. We'll see.
Oh and I have to study the Bible regularly if I want to get well. Not that it helps by itself, but I am hoping that God will not keep his grace from me. So I'll start now too.
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
April 21 2015 Tuesday
I can clip the guitar a little now, but the transitions aren't smooth. I'm starting to learn (yey!).
I would like to talk about my emotions again. My head has gone awry again. Lately I've been filled with hate inside especially when stressed. Like that post two days ago. This isn't good. I need to read and meditate more.
Anyway, I want to continue the Christianity and the Mundane thing.
Are doing irrelevant things proper for a Christian? Maybe I'd mull over this for a while, since I still have to do HAZOP for PD tomorrow.
Edit: I still wonder everyday where and why the summer moon has set. Oh well, I'll wait patiently as I always have
I would like to talk about my emotions again. My head has gone awry again. Lately I've been filled with hate inside especially when stressed. Like that post two days ago. This isn't good. I need to read and meditate more.
Anyway, I want to continue the Christianity and the Mundane thing.
Are doing irrelevant things proper for a Christian? Maybe I'd mull over this for a while, since I still have to do HAZOP for PD tomorrow.
Edit: I still wonder everyday where and why the summer moon has set. Oh well, I'll wait patiently as I always have
Monday, April 20, 2015
April 20 2015 Monday
I guess the post yesterday sounded a little mean. Anyway, those really were my feelings then and as you well know, I can't control my emotions. I mean, I can control my outward actions but I can't keep my emotions in check, and thus my thoughts. I remember this Tumblr poetry that I saw from Courtney's post long ago,
"Hearts are wild creatures; that's why ribs are cages."
I don't think it's really poetic or anything, more like witty and really smart. But it applies to me because I can't control my emotions. For example, when I talk to her I can't stop myself from smiling, or when I am mad I can't stop myself from taking revenge. Although revenge for me is cutting my presence off that person, which isn't exactly really helpful. Another peculiar thing about my emotions is that I can reconcile two different ones, even opposites by rationalizing my actions. Which I imagine would look confusing to other people because usually they think that a person can only have one emotion at a time. Not me.
But long ago I sealed my emotions and I should say I was more productive. But it wasn't as much fun as it is now. Getting hurt is a risk, but it's well worth it.
I'm talking too much about my emotions. (In my more logical moods I think about these things.)
Well I guess that's it for now.
"Hearts are wild creatures; that's why ribs are cages."
I don't think it's really poetic or anything, more like witty and really smart. But it applies to me because I can't control my emotions. For example, when I talk to her I can't stop myself from smiling, or when I am mad I can't stop myself from taking revenge. Although revenge for me is cutting my presence off that person, which isn't exactly really helpful. Another peculiar thing about my emotions is that I can reconcile two different ones, even opposites by rationalizing my actions. Which I imagine would look confusing to other people because usually they think that a person can only have one emotion at a time. Not me.
But long ago I sealed my emotions and I should say I was more productive. But it wasn't as much fun as it is now. Getting hurt is a risk, but it's well worth it.
I'm talking too much about my emotions. (In my more logical moods I think about these things.)
Well I guess that's it for now.
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Christianity and the Mundane on hold for a more pressing issue.
What place does the mundane have in a Christian's life? Should we do trivial things like read manga or play games or watch TV and movies and read books and novels? Should we concern ourselves with the trivialities of the daily life, that which the middle class values so much? Should we go on parties and hang out and enjoy ourselves, eat out and try out every restaurant, fill our lives with new tastes and experiences and all kinds of fun and enjoyment?
They aren't harmful anyway. It's not like you're sinning by doing those, right?
I'll be cutting short this train of thought in favor of a more pressing matter in my mind.
Today we got 66. That's really low. Nothing surprising though since it wasn't like we were very very prepared. We didn't study beforehand and no one is serious about things anymore.
Yes I'm disappointed but secretly I'm enjoying this. It's more than the curiosity to see people's reactions when that happens to me or I do something like that. It tastes a little bit cold and sweet. Revenge, karma, whatever. But I feel a little happy that they're seeing the consequences of what they're doing. I've been on standby for one and a half sems waiting for their attitude to change but I guess that's not going to happen.
I can't rant on Twitter seeing as they'd see it. I want to reiterate things though, perhaps clarify.
I'm not your safety net. It's not fair for you to prioritize your extracurriculars over the two major subjects. And I'm not going to catch you and clean up after this mess you insisted on. Even if it becomes my fall.
Yes I'm well aware you do the work but that's just how it's supposed to be, no? At least you're owning up a little. But the priorities though, that always gets on my nerves. Nothing wrong with org work, but sometimes it's not even org work. And even if it is, it shouodn't get in the way of acads.
And leave me out, that's just perfect. I always ask what to do and how can I help but the answer is always nothing. Fine. As for me, I'll help in any way I can.
If this sem were a LoL game, I'd have a noisy and pabida Katarina who turns out to be a feeder. I won't be surprised if sooner or later she cheats the results. But I'm hoping for that not to happen, because that would be the last straw and I'm really gonna pull out of the group, even if it means not being able to graduate.
Now the consequences to me. What ifs? What if I don't graduate summa cum laude? What if I don't graduate at all? I've never really been one to care about grades; it's just my parents who do. So the first one is something I can stand. It's actually a little good for me. It's annoying how people look at you as if you're something special. And lately people have been calling me more of summa cum laude than my actual name. I really hate it. I am not summa and summa is not me. And it gets really lonely too, because people will leave you alone all the time saying, "kaya na niya yan mag-isa," (he can do it on his own). Please, anyone can do things on their own. Which leaves me wondering about friends.
And for the more dire question: what if I don't graduate at all? I'd be delayed for 1 sem and I'd have to pay petron the contract. So we'd be in debt for around 300,000. But it will be fine, I guess. Maybe I can refund from oblation scholarship, and pay the last extra semester. Worst case, work my ass off to pay the debt. In any case, God will provide.
Perhaps the saddest thing is the shock to my parents, because I have given no indication whatsoever of what's happening.
Now I want to read the Bible so I'll be off now.
They aren't harmful anyway. It's not like you're sinning by doing those, right?
I'll be cutting short this train of thought in favor of a more pressing matter in my mind.
Today we got 66. That's really low. Nothing surprising though since it wasn't like we were very very prepared. We didn't study beforehand and no one is serious about things anymore.
Yes I'm disappointed but secretly I'm enjoying this. It's more than the curiosity to see people's reactions when that happens to me or I do something like that. It tastes a little bit cold and sweet. Revenge, karma, whatever. But I feel a little happy that they're seeing the consequences of what they're doing. I've been on standby for one and a half sems waiting for their attitude to change but I guess that's not going to happen.
I can't rant on Twitter seeing as they'd see it. I want to reiterate things though, perhaps clarify.
I'm not your safety net. It's not fair for you to prioritize your extracurriculars over the two major subjects. And I'm not going to catch you and clean up after this mess you insisted on. Even if it becomes my fall.
Yes I'm well aware you do the work but that's just how it's supposed to be, no? At least you're owning up a little. But the priorities though, that always gets on my nerves. Nothing wrong with org work, but sometimes it's not even org work. And even if it is, it shouodn't get in the way of acads.
And leave me out, that's just perfect. I always ask what to do and how can I help but the answer is always nothing. Fine. As for me, I'll help in any way I can.
If this sem were a LoL game, I'd have a noisy and pabida Katarina who turns out to be a feeder. I won't be surprised if sooner or later she cheats the results. But I'm hoping for that not to happen, because that would be the last straw and I'm really gonna pull out of the group, even if it means not being able to graduate.
Now the consequences to me. What ifs? What if I don't graduate summa cum laude? What if I don't graduate at all? I've never really been one to care about grades; it's just my parents who do. So the first one is something I can stand. It's actually a little good for me. It's annoying how people look at you as if you're something special. And lately people have been calling me more of summa cum laude than my actual name. I really hate it. I am not summa and summa is not me. And it gets really lonely too, because people will leave you alone all the time saying, "kaya na niya yan mag-isa," (he can do it on his own). Please, anyone can do things on their own. Which leaves me wondering about friends.
And for the more dire question: what if I don't graduate at all? I'd be delayed for 1 sem and I'd have to pay petron the contract. So we'd be in debt for around 300,000. But it will be fine, I guess. Maybe I can refund from oblation scholarship, and pay the last extra semester. Worst case, work my ass off to pay the debt. In any case, God will provide.
Perhaps the saddest thing is the shock to my parents, because I have given no indication whatsoever of what's happening.
Now I want to read the Bible so I'll be off now.
Thursday, April 16, 2015
April 16 2015 Thursday
Hablé con una común amiga de ella. (Hola, C!) Inevitablemente, hablaron acerca de nosotros, yo y ella. No es como hay que se llama un nosotros, pero tú entiendes yo que querer decir. De todos modos, yo aprendó que ella no me detesta. Si ella es tímido de mí o no, que es impertinente. Que ella no me detesta es bastante por mi.
Pero no creo que cualquier cosa va a cambiar porque de eso. Yo voy a seguir alejarme de ella, porque no quiero que la torturo más.
Pero no creo que cualquier cosa va a cambiar porque de eso. Yo voy a seguir alejarme de ella, porque no quiero que la torturo más.
Sunday, April 12, 2015
April 11 2015 Saturday
Hoy aprendó desarmar un asaltante. Okay it's pretty late now and I need to sleep soon for tomorrow's service so I'll just go with english.
I just want to pour out the things that are bugging me, in no particular order.
Acads. Hmm I'll be mild here. I think. It's better, of course, since this is rather public after all.
I now feel completely indifferent and unenthusiastic about it. Because it is really boring and pointless. Even sir O thinks so. I could see from his reaction and suggestion when he heard the mv. Well, they wanted this. L wanted this. And to keep the peace I gave in. So now it's not mine and it's her responsibility. It's just sad that I've never really done something like that that's mine. Even in HS my work is rejected.
Also I'm rather disappointed because they aren't owning up to it. They don't seem erious and are busy with their lives. Did they think I'll catch them? I won't, even if I fall. I'm not as unprofessional as to quit working altogether; I'm helping in any way I can. But I won't dampen the consequences at my expense. They should suffer it all. It's not fair to me if I carry the burden of their decision. If you live another life then I have something to do too. I'm not your safety net. If it's gonna be like this then they should've just left it to me in the first place.
You could've done so much
If you didn't insist on your ignorance.
But at least I've learned my lesson. I've learned who they are. And anyway it's not really something I cannot forgive. It's just that I'm disappointed.
Next. Summer moon. Not talking. Is it that she couldn't? Wouldn't? Shouldn't? I really don't believe that anyone would be so busy like that. Even after the appointed time the moon has still not risen. Would it hurt to say why?
Her. It's nothing really new but I'm really sad that I wasted a perfectly good friendship. Avoiding me when we're not alone. I wonder what she tells people? Anyway I've figured out long, long ago too that my decision is one-sided and that my presence is suffocating. So it would be better for her if I left her alone. I don't want to make it hard for her. Minsan, pag-ibig nga din namang lumayo. But I very well know that the ember of feelings will still burn even if I buried it and left it unfanned.
Me. What's with me that makes people want to leave? Ask anyone which group of friends I belong. None. Well, I'm friends with a lot of 'group of friends' but I don't belong anywhere. Like I'm a separate existence. It has its perks but it really makes me sad sometimes. Because it's always me who accompanies others and not vice versa.
That's why I want a girl who would actually do that. Not a princess, but a companion. But of course in Filipino culture it would be like the girl is courting me. Well, whatever. Isn't courting a two-way thing? You have to stop being so hard-to-get at one point. Don't get me wrong though, tsundere is perfectly fine. But I guess I'm yearning for companionship without the commitment. Ah well, it's fine. I'm more or less used to being a separate entity anyway.
And me. And God. I hate myself, wading in the mud. My conscience is long seared and I think God has given up on me too. I mean, the Bible says it's worse for me if I have heard and tasted the power of the Spirit only to have fallen away. And I have fallen again and again and again and again and again. I'm beyond reparrable and hope now, but something inside me wants to cling to the cross. That maybe the blood of grace that flowed out there is still enough to cleanse my sin. I'm not hoping that my callous heart be renewed anymore. But just something from Him to make me a better man- a holy man.
On a lighter note, I also want to talk about the 8+ hour blackout in our area a few days ago. It was a full moon and the streetlamps and the lights through the windows snuffed out like rows of candles in a hurricane. The golden moon shone in all its glory, a rainbow melded in its great halo. It hung low in the horizon, slowly rising, slowly lighting up everything under its cool, gentle eyes. I stared at it for a good 30 minutes. If it wasn't for the insects it'd probably more. It was so lovely, this light governing the night. Ah, just the thought of it makes me feel calm.
I just want to pour out the things that are bugging me, in no particular order.
Acads. Hmm I'll be mild here. I think. It's better, of course, since this is rather public after all.
I now feel completely indifferent and unenthusiastic about it. Because it is really boring and pointless. Even sir O thinks so. I could see from his reaction and suggestion when he heard the mv. Well, they wanted this. L wanted this. And to keep the peace I gave in. So now it's not mine and it's her responsibility. It's just sad that I've never really done something like that that's mine. Even in HS my work is rejected.
Also I'm rather disappointed because they aren't owning up to it. They don't seem erious and are busy with their lives. Did they think I'll catch them? I won't, even if I fall. I'm not as unprofessional as to quit working altogether; I'm helping in any way I can. But I won't dampen the consequences at my expense. They should suffer it all. It's not fair to me if I carry the burden of their decision. If you live another life then I have something to do too. I'm not your safety net. If it's gonna be like this then they should've just left it to me in the first place.
You could've done so much
If you didn't insist on your ignorance.
But at least I've learned my lesson. I've learned who they are. And anyway it's not really something I cannot forgive. It's just that I'm disappointed.
Next. Summer moon. Not talking. Is it that she couldn't? Wouldn't? Shouldn't? I really don't believe that anyone would be so busy like that. Even after the appointed time the moon has still not risen. Would it hurt to say why?
Her. It's nothing really new but I'm really sad that I wasted a perfectly good friendship. Avoiding me when we're not alone. I wonder what she tells people? Anyway I've figured out long, long ago too that my decision is one-sided and that my presence is suffocating. So it would be better for her if I left her alone. I don't want to make it hard for her. Minsan, pag-ibig nga din namang lumayo. But I very well know that the ember of feelings will still burn even if I buried it and left it unfanned.
Me. What's with me that makes people want to leave? Ask anyone which group of friends I belong. None. Well, I'm friends with a lot of 'group of friends' but I don't belong anywhere. Like I'm a separate existence. It has its perks but it really makes me sad sometimes. Because it's always me who accompanies others and not vice versa.
That's why I want a girl who would actually do that. Not a princess, but a companion. But of course in Filipino culture it would be like the girl is courting me. Well, whatever. Isn't courting a two-way thing? You have to stop being so hard-to-get at one point. Don't get me wrong though, tsundere is perfectly fine. But I guess I'm yearning for companionship without the commitment. Ah well, it's fine. I'm more or less used to being a separate entity anyway.
And me. And God. I hate myself, wading in the mud. My conscience is long seared and I think God has given up on me too. I mean, the Bible says it's worse for me if I have heard and tasted the power of the Spirit only to have fallen away. And I have fallen again and again and again and again and again. I'm beyond reparrable and hope now, but something inside me wants to cling to the cross. That maybe the blood of grace that flowed out there is still enough to cleanse my sin. I'm not hoping that my callous heart be renewed anymore. But just something from Him to make me a better man- a holy man.
On a lighter note, I also want to talk about the 8+ hour blackout in our area a few days ago. It was a full moon and the streetlamps and the lights through the windows snuffed out like rows of candles in a hurricane. The golden moon shone in all its glory, a rainbow melded in its great halo. It hung low in the horizon, slowly rising, slowly lighting up everything under its cool, gentle eyes. I stared at it for a good 30 minutes. If it wasn't for the insects it'd probably more. It was so lovely, this light governing the night. Ah, just the thought of it makes me feel calm.
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