Friday, October 30, 2015

October 30, 2015 Friday

This morning I dreamt that I'm already taking the board exam. And I felt exhausted but confident after the first two days, but then mama didn't wake me up for the third day. And then I realized it was a dream. But I didn't wake up or take control (I could've); I just let it fade from my consciousness and return to sleep. That's all I can remember.

I slept again for maybe around 30 minutes. And I read nanatsu no taizai.

I also opened fb for a short while, maybe an hour or two and responded to the messages and glanced at the notifs.

I didn't go to morayta because I felt.. sad? I don't know(?) It's a weird feeling. Maybe the germans have a word for this. Anyhow T- feels cold and it's a waste seeing as she's an interesting one. I am not sure if it is connected to that, but logically speaking there is no reason for it to be like that. Probably it is more connected to the feeling of being alone.

Hmm I should really cut down on my 'hobbies.' I wonder, are they really worth it? What is it worth, anyway? Surely it's based on what you live for. And if I live for God should I not live my all for Him?

And again this issue is brought up. But I never really think about it until I stop. Of course it does not mean that this is an invalid concern. In the past I have convinced myself that there is no place for that. It is a matter of resolve.

But I'm too sleepy to think about it. Ah well.

Before I forget: I notice that some titles have a comma, and some do not. Is there a pattern I input subconsciously? I wonder. Anyway, I hypothesize that if it is, then it is only connected to the leading train of thought. Maybe I'll check it out when I remember and when I have time.

Thursday, October 29, 2015

October 29, 2015 Thursday

Today is alone day! It made me twinge and sigh a little but that's okay. It's good to be reminded every once in a while, amidst all these friends and acquaintances, that I am actually alone.

Well to be honest I did expect T- and A- to come as usual but then I realized after that there is no agreement whatsoever and it is none of my business whether they do or not. I do wonder, however, what happened, and especially if it's connected to yesterday.

In any case, it felt good and sobering to walk slowly through that familiar path traversing the two ends of UP; to walk alongside men and women each minding their own lives, chatting with each other in threes and pairs and groups, or just alone walking briskly and single-mindedly or simply drifting along with the 4:00 crowd; to see the cirrus clouds painted in the sky, tinged with the same golden rays that color the trees an autumn hue.

Even my brother didn't want to go home with me. I shouldn't expect others to accompany me either.

"It's not a big deal," I tell myself. "It's not the first time and I'm used to it."

"Who else?"

"Well, everyone I know? C-, and G-, and D-, and H- and R- and L-... and her."

"The first few times you feel sad, but then you learn to adapt. That's why you do things; it just so happens that there are people. That's why you don't cling to friends, or ask for favors; because why you don't want them to fail you. That's why you try to find comfort in being alone, in doing things alone, in being able to do everything alone."

"Because you're afraid, really. You don't want to accept that you are rejected and uninmportant. That's why you always try to make yourself useful; because that's the only time that people actually take notice of you. What seems like a helping hand is but a mask of your desire to be noticed. Because you don't just want a simple acknowledgement, but to be known for real. That's why this blog is here. Even your parents, no? When you give vague answers like "okay lang" only a handful really asks further. And of those handful it is but only a routine.

But then is there a place for such intimacy in mere friendship? Aren't you, in fact, looking for something that can only be found in a commited relationship?

No, you say. You don't want to believe otherwise. That's why you always ask how people are doing. Aren't friends supposed to do that?"

"I don't know.

Apparently not."

And when I think about it like that I get stuck, and I feel sad, then I realize I'm making too much a big deal out of it, when really, it isn't. It shouldn't be. So I stop thinking about it.

And then I try to think that I should be satisfied in Christ and that it is God who loves me and knows me in the deepest and truest sense but I just can't feel it.

Then I just stop thinking at all.

In the end, I think all these "pretexts" of helping and being nice and asking how others are are real too. At the very least, they are now.

And I lost all four ranked games today. Oh well.

On the up side, I did study a lot.

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

October 28, 2015 Thursday

The past two days have been rather uneventful.

But today is a good day. I shared the gospel to T-! I'd also like to share it to A- and A- and also the star when I get the chance. I've always been looking for a chance to share it to the star but I always back out, thinking "not yet, not yet."

I'm not going to follow up because I might have impure motives. But I will be praying, and we're friends anyway so I can at least do it informally. In the proper contexts of course.

I also updated things I want to do. Why do I want to do too many things? Anyway, I like those things. So I'm gonna do them, if God permits.

I'm reading proverbs! I feel it good to read a proverb a day and also a separate reading of the new and the old testament. I'll do that starting tomorrow. And I should read in the morning so that my mind doesn't go astray.

Speaking of which, I had the most wonderful dream last night. I can't remember what it is but I know I had powers in it and that I was saving someone and that I felt very, very good and refreshed upon waking up to my alarm. But then I should start practicing waking up like a soldier so that my mind doesn't go astray, and that I get more time. Also so I could go with the reading plan.

I wonder how she's doing? I heard from C- the general state of affairs there and I think she might be panicking knowing that she doesn't have a lot of confidence in her skills (she really should have though).

So I would also like to start praying for the whole batch!

In our training I learned a different version of the disarm in PE, and two different pathways. Also that armlock that sir Brix did to me, I know that now. I learn a lot everyday! And I'm happy about it.

Anyway I'm sleepy now. Good night!!

October 25 2015 Sunday

I didn't finish 198 today. For some reason the system is not feasible. I'll try again tomorrow.

I'm still thinking about relationships. I don't know, maybe because it's a big deal at this age.

Okay so this post almost got stuck in the saving bug in the blogger app for android! I didn't know it didn't work properly. Thank God I found a workaround on the internet: quickly tap a published post and a stuck saving post in quick succession. And voila!

So there we go! Oh, I didn't do 198. I decided I'll focus on boards, do my best there. Of course, I will make a general program in my new version of MATLAB, after boards, complete with GUI.

Saturday, October 24, 2015

October 24, 2015 Saturday

Today I studied in best place and beyond! (Not the real name) It's hard being the fifth wheel. They'd talk to each other and it feels so private and it's a little awkward to ask what's happening.

Also it's a lot less chaotic than expected. Everyone is very serious while studying.

And H- made me watch an episode of Big Bang. It's fairly funny, I must admit. But it's not something I'd like to follow.

So I also studied a lot. I'm done with Day 1 but I don't want to move on to other days. Especially Day 2.

So I read in an askreddit thread about taking the chance etc. I don't really know, I feel I always want to try being in a relationship but I don't want to play around either. Although I do feel like playing around a little. But that's my manipulative tendencies and I am afraid of it. But then these thoughts are probably just brought about by being fifth wheel for a little while.

I also wonder when I'll experience euphoria again. I kinda miss it. I don't even know what makes me happy now.

Friday, October 23, 2015

October 23, 2015 Friday

So today is the last day I'll see her. But it doesn't matter. Everything has been said and done, and let's just end it with that.

Of course I can't say that I've totally moved on. And I don't think it's possible to completely unlove someone. Romantically, perhaps yes. But the goodwill and fondness will linger. She's no longer as significant, but definitely not negligible. It will take time haha.

We ate lunch with the star at dimsum's! A very economical shop and the chili is legit spicy. It actually made me snot. Then her boyps came and they talked inside their world.

Sir efficient is very cool. And his smile at the end feels so legit that it's infectious. I felt happy that he's happy despite the loss.

Lc was not there. Apparently she didn't know even though I told her.

And I talked with j- on the way home. She has a very interesting upbringing, with the same aura as c-. And I told her a few things about my belief in love. And it's very rare to find someone who's more of a listener than I. Haha. Feels nice.

I also resumed my irish and french. I need to brush up a lot xD

Voy a escribir en español cuando tengo el tiempo. It takes a lot of time to look things up in the dictionary on my phone. I'll do that after boards.

I've decided I will give my best.

Thursday, October 22, 2015

October 22 2015 Thursday

Today I studied again with at engglib2 with the usual two. I came early and fixed most of my updates to Anki. I still need to work on some inorganic chemistry topics. Also, I'll be using a mindmap for organic chemistry.

To be honest I am already confident in a number of ChE topics, such as thermodynamics, fluid mech, and transport phenomena. The other unit ops are mostly conceptual. I think the only ones I can't handle are sizing of centrifuge filters and centrifuges in general, the flux approach to thickeners, and LLE. But then I can do LLE if I just read on it. Although I do have to compile notes on those, especially the minimum slope definitions.

Every once in a while I wonder how she's doin just like this morning upon waking, but then I remind myself that it's no longer my place to think about that.

Today my brother got mad. I hate that he orders me around. All my life he never did once obey me, partly because my parents always back him up because he's the favorite (even though I have all the right as the firstborn). He has no right to demand obedience when he can't do that himself: always complaining, asking for reasons and explanations. He isn't even grateful that I do that; he can't have finished his application in alchemes if I didn't. And now that he doesn't need it, he'll just push me away. He doesn't even have the right to impose rules on me; I'm the firstborn.

So I'm going to give him what he wants. Let him have it then. Hands off, starting now.

And I remembered how our parents got mad at me for having impromptu dinner with the PIChE team. That was the day I cried on a jeepney. But then again I shouldn't compare because they are always more lenient on my brother.

It's just that I feel a little sad about it. That I couldn't have the same freedo back then. No matter, I'm going to have all the freedom (and the responsibilities) in just a few months.

So my brother actually apologized. It felt a little nice, but he still demanded me not to disturb him when he's with his friends. He has no right to order me around. He doesn't even know how to obey. And when did I even ever do that? He's not really sorry; I doubt he even knows what he did. He probably thinks it's about making me wait.

I didn't say anything; I didn't know what to say. Maybe next time I'll say it.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

October 21 2015 Wednesday

Today is Arnis day! Of course I don't call it that; it's just a Wednesday for me.

Anyway it's fun, this reaction thing. A lot of exercises are impossible to do alone. I can't really complete training alone when I get to Petron. But then I'll at least polish my technique to flawlessness.

I also began the first of the twelve methods, which is the classic ekis. I don't get why they call it twelve methods though. I also learned a disarm, but my  of base technique of dodge -> hit + grab -> catch + armbreak is sloppy.

I also studied earlier with a- and t-. And I met my brother in engglib and I decided not to pester him partly because I was sleepy. And I actually took a 1-hour nap.

I also bought white dche polo shirt and paid for my UPAA membership.

I realized midway I wrote the events backwards, but then I just went for it instead. Remember I'm also trying to keep track of my very wild thought process.

Well, that's it for now.

Oh I almost forgot! Today is the 6th year of a and t's fb friendship and I tagged along and ate with them at Area 2.

Also on the way home there was this lady who preached the gospel and asked for offering in the end. I'm pretty sure it was a big turn off for most people, also the way she said "Glory to God" and "Hallelujah" as an interjection. Other than that everything she said about the gospel is correct. But then I am not to judge someone else's servant, for each of us stand before the Lord alone; and stand she will, for the Lord will make her stand.

After all, it is not eloquence and personal testimony that converts people, but the power of God that is in the good news of Christ Jesus.

So I just prayed for her.

I'm currently waiting for my brother to finish prelabs. Gute Nacht!

October 20 2015 Tuesday

Today I got it! Took me hours and hours to get it and I finally made it work. And it's very pretty.

Also today mama is specially naggy. I also accompanied her to robinson's and we bought a white polo shirt.

I read 3 chapters today. I decided to skip non-board related topics (noting them along the way) in line with my decision to take things seriously. Although it was hard to break the habit of reading interesting things.

I'm sleepy now.

Monday, October 19, 2015

October 19 2015 Monday

Today we have no class! I don't know what to say about that.

I studied a little of Perry's. For some reason I am still annoyed and cannot study when mama is around. Although I must say that she's really trying to change and that's really well and good. But I don't know why I still feel slightly annoyed.

I know its all in the past and I know I shouldn't and I knoe I've forgiven them, but sometimes I still blame them for missed opportunities in the past. Like how I don't want to do any church ministry anymore (tell me to do something and I'll do it, but I won't volunteer), or like I don't know how to cook, or even the little things like the white DChE polo shirt (which happened to be nice to wear on the board exam).

Sometimes I still think my brother is so lucky that he is allowed all these stuff and that they are lenient to him because they're better people and better parents now. And then I know I should be happy about that but I also feel jealous that I can't feel that anymore, since I'm going to move away soon. And also I've been more of an extra arm in the house, less of that person to care for.

Actually that's partly why I try to help out a lot. I can't explain the logic behind it. It's like you're craving for "care" and give it to people hoping that maybe someday someone will give it back. Well I guess it doesn't always work that way, because I think that people think "I don't need help." Which is often true too, because I don't want to rely too much on someone.

That's because I have this manipulative side and I am afraid to manipulate people. That's why I very very rarely ask for favors. And only small ones at that.

Which is ironic because that's exactly what I'm looking for. I'm looking for something I can't ask for. I'm looking for something that has to be given voluntarily. I'm looking for someone, anyone, to give me something that they don't think I need. I'm looking for something I'm afraid to have.

I don't need it all the time though. It's just that I want it particularly often. I always appreciate it though.

Of course "quality time" is still my primary love language, it's just that I've been in denial that I really like service too.

So much for rants!

Nothing much happened today. Hmm maybe I forgot to say yesterday that I realized how dependent I am on wifi and especially on electricity.

October 18, 2015 Sunday

Today there was no electricity.

We went to church and the sermon was about sharing the gospel. It kinda reminded me of my analogy of the church to a guilt-trip pyramid scam. I wonder, is guilt tripping biblical? Anyway, I'm only staying in the faith because I believe in Christ Jesus. To be honest, I don't like the church. Not our church per se, just church people in general. How should I say it? I think it's a little because fellowship feels so unnatural and that people seem so overly nice and unreal. Now there's nothing wrong with that, and one may argue that fake niceness might be even better. But for someone like me who craves the truth, real peope in all their ugliness are infinitely more attractive than hypocrites.

In any case, I think guilt tripping is a bigger issue. True, repentance is brought from godly sorrow but you can't really force someone to have godly sorrow. It's a different thing altogether. It's feeling bad because of our offenses to God and to God alone. It's not because we didn't do this or do that, or you weren't a good Christian or whatnot. It's very dangerous to meddle with artificial sorrow, because "worldly sorrow brings death."

Personally I haven't found any who use spiritual threats. Sure, God gives warnings and Hell is real, but perfect love casts out fear. You can't go on obeying under the fuel of fear forever. That is totally unchristian.

I slept all afternoon. I was bored out of my wits and of course wanted to text anyone and get some amusement but I figured you shouldn't use people like that. So against all my urges I didn't strike a long conversation. Just asked if classes tomorrow are suspended.

I won two chess games against my brother and played the piano at night.

There's something lovely about playing the piano in candlelight. Anyway I think I want to start playing again too.

The electricity came back just an hour ago (3 am Oct 19). I can't sleep now. So good morning, I guess.

Saturday, October 17, 2015

October 17, 2015 Saturday

Today I attended checkboard! This is probably the last time that I'll see some of these people, which is kinda sad if you think about it. So I took some pictures of people. But then I can't really feel that sad because I'm me. I just don't want to regret it later, maybe.

Anyway, I also wanted to hang out with the unaff people but I have to prioritize stepping out of her life.

I won't comment on how pretty she looked. It helps me cope.

I also met R- on the jeepney homeward. He's now taking law. Gave me a new perspective on how to tackle studying relevant laws. Of course it won't come up on the board exam but then I'm interested now.

Speaking of which, I think I should do my best, even if I' not interested. After all, "work as if you are working for the Lord, and not for men." At least, primarily my motive. Although I did get better perspective and greater respect for the board exam.

I can also always say that I want to be invited on ChEckboard next sem so I can pester my little brother.

He may say otherwise but I think he secretly likes it, especially when I paid him a visit earlier.

I'm going to learn cooking soon too! I'll join the alchemes study group and get Carl to teach me.

I'm going to be really, really serious starting tomorrow.

Guten Abend! Or should that be Guten nacht? For some reason, I get french much easier than german. Although like I said, I prioritze german since they are leading in AD technology.

Friday, October 16, 2015

Isang Sampaguita para kay Kathryn

Isa na namang makulimlim na hapon ng pagtitinda ng sampaguita ang sumalubong kay Bo. Pero sa totoo lang, hindi naman iyon ganun ka importante dahil umaraw man o umulan, kuripot pa rin ang mga pasahero sa SM Fairview. Ang pinagkaiba lang ay kung maliligo ba siya sa nagbabadyang ulan o sa pawis niya habang makailang ulit na iniilingan nang hindi man lang sinusulyapan.

Pagkakita pa lamang sa papalapit na yagit niyang suot at sa mga tali ng puting halimuyak sa kanan niyang kamay ay lumalayo na ng tingin ang iba. Ang pag-iwas tingin na ito ay sinasamantala ng iba niyang kakilala para buksan ang zipper ng bag at makanakaw ng gamit, o di naman kaya’y makanakaw tingin man lang lalo na kung babaeng maganda.

Kaya gayon na lamang ang pagkamuhi ni Bo sa mga kapwa niya sampaguita boys na nakadudungis ng kanilang karangalan – o atlis, ng kanyang karalangan, dahil malinaw na hindi lahat ay kagaya niyang mayroon pang dangal. Sa buhay kalsada kabobohang turing ang karangalan, dahil dito, hari ang diskarte at reyna ang para-paraan.

Pero hindi na iniinda ni Bo ang pagtawag sa kanya ng bobo ng kaniyang mga kaibigan, dahil hindi lang ang kanyang mga kaklase ang gumagawa nito, ni ang nanay ng kanilang kapitbahay, kundi mismong nanay na niya ang nagsasabi sa kanya na siya ay isang ‘bobo.’ At hindi lang bobo, kundi ‘bobo talaga.’

Ngunit si Bo ay hindi lubos na naniniwala rito, dahil may dalawang taon na rin ang nakalipas nang may nagsabi sa kaniya na siya raw ay ‘matalino.’ Nasagot niya kasi nang tanungin siya ng isang balyenang kanyang binebentahan, “anong scientific name niyan?” Ang balyenang ito ay yung tipo ng babae na tagilid pa kung umupo sa jeep na wari’y lata na ng sardinas, hindi nag-aabot ng bayad, at maraming komento at sermon sa lahat ng nagaganap sa kalsada. Dapat raw kasi ang mga bata raw ay nasa eskwelahan at nag-aaral, at hindi nanlilimos at pinababayaan ng magulang, at kung ano-ano pang masakit sa loob ang sinabi ng matandang matabang balyenang iyon.

“Jasminum sambac po,” ang sagot ni Bo sa napahiyang balyena, sabay pahabol pa ng “Dalawahin niyo na po.” At nasabihan nga siya ng “Ang talino nito ah,” ng magandang dalagang nursing student na kasunod sa pila ng balyenang namumula na sa hiya. At mula noon ay hindi na naniwala si Bo na siya ay isang ganap na bobo, kundi kalahating bobo lamang.

Nasaktan ng husto si Bo sa sinabi ng balyena, dahil nagtitinda nga siya ng sampaguita imbis na nanlilimos, at pinapakain naman siya ng kanyang nanay araw-araw. At lalo naman na araw-araw siyang pumapasok sa eskwela tuwing a las sais ng umaga para makita ang crush niyang si Kathryn Mendoza. Yun nga lang, section 1 kasi itong si Kathryn at siya naman ay section 2. Kaya naman ganoon na lamang ang pagsusumikap ni Bo, hindi lang sa pagtitinda ng sampaguita upang mabuhay, kundi pati na rin sa pag-aaral upang mabuhay ng masaya. Ano nga ba naman ang malay niya kung ang buhay pala niya ay pang kalyeserye o telenovela?

Kaya ganoon na lamang din ang hiya niya sa sarili nang naturang hapong iyon.

Walang malay niyang itinuloy ang kanyang pang-araw-araw na diskarte: suot ang kanyang kaawa-awang yagit na damit, dahan-dahan siyang nakayapak na lalapit at titig sa mata ng mga mukhang maawain, na kalimitan nga’y mga babae. Makatapos tumanggap ng siyamnapu’t siyam na iling bago makapagtinda ng isang tali ay nalapitan niya ang balyenang ito.

Hindi niya alam; paano nga ba niya malalaman? Hindi nga ata talaga maiiwasan; mangyayari’t mangyayari din. Marahil mas nakakagulat na makalipas ang ilang taon ay noong hapon lang na iyon nangyari ang kanilang pagtatagpo.

Hinding-hindi niya malilimutan ang mukhang iyon, ang mukhang minsa’y nagpakulo sa marangal niyang dugo. Hindi niya malilimutan ang tangos ng ilong at tabas ng labi ng balyenang ito, na minsa’y nang-insulto sa puso niyang may nais pang patunayan sa sarili, kahit na noon ay unti-unti na rin siyang nawawalan ng pag-asa sa bawat-araw ng pagtitinda na hindi naman lumalaki ang kita.

Nang makita niya ang balyenang iyon ay agad niyang nilapitan para bentahan at, aba! Inulit pa niya.

“Bili na po kayo, Jasmin sambac po. Dalawahin niyo na po.”

Binanggit ni Bo ang huling pangungusap ng dahan-dahan. At bumakas nga sa mukha ng balyenang ito, sa kanyang mapungay na kilay, mga matang nanlalaki, at sa pamumula ng likod ng kaniyang tenga, na bumabalik sa kanya ang alaala ng kahihiyan ng dalawang taong nakalilpas.

Ngunit bago pa man nakapagsalita ang balyena ay nalingat ni Bo ang batang babaeng kasama nito, na walang iba kundi ang pambansang crush ng bayan ng kanilang eskwelahan na si Kathryn Mendoza.

At nagtagpo ang kanilang mata.

Sa lahat ng panaginip ni Bo sa gabi at pangarap sa umaga ay ni minsan hindi niya hiniling na ganito ang kanilang unang pagkikita: na nagtitinda siya ng sampaguita sa yagit niya at kaawa-awang damit, habang pinapahiya niya ang nanay ng babaeng kanyang nagugustuhan.

Tumigil ang mundo ng dalawa’t kalahating segundo, habang nagkatitigan ang tatlo. Ang balyena kay Bo, sa naungkat na kahihiyan; si Bo kay Kathryn, sa mga nasirang pangarap; at si Kathryn kay Bo, sa kawalang malay at kawalang-paki. Umasa si Bo na sana’y naroon din sa likod ang mabait na nursing student noon, ngunit walang sumabat sa tahimik na pag-uusap ng tatlong pares ng mga mata.

Umihip ang malamig na hangin dala ang simoy ng nagbabadyang ulan at hinudyat ang muling pagtakbo ng oras.

Si Bo na kalahating bobo ang unang kumilos: yumuko, lumapit, at binigyan niya ng isang tali ng sampaguita itong si Kathryn sabay takbo palayo, habang nagbaka-sakaling hindi siya makilala at hindi maalala nito ang ilang segundo ng kanilang kahiya-hiyang pagtatagpo.

Sa bawat padyak ng kanyang mga paa, dahan-dahang lumalakas at lumalaki ang patak ng ulan. Hinayaan ni Bo na tumilamsik sa kanyang paa at bumuhos sa kanyang katawan ang naiipong iyak ng langit sa lupa, sa baka-sakaling mahugasan ang kanyang yagit na damit mula sa halimuyak ng kanyang dala-dalang mga sampaguita.

October 16, 2015 Friday

For some inexplicable reason, I woke up at around 12:30 AM in a flash of inspiration. You see, there's this Writing Contest http://lookingforjuan.blogspot.com/2015/08/rules-and-conditions-1.html, which my brother told me about a few months ago, and it is only today that I managed to piece together an idea that has been floating in my head for years. But then I noticed that what I wrote isn't exactly a Children's Story, but I'll submit it nonetheless.

It took me around 2 hours to write and type, and about an hour this morning to recheck and polish. Of course, I'll post it here too.

So today I accompanied mama in SM. Nothing much to note, it's just the usual shopping. Although I want to say that there is a very pretty saleslady in Mint. Granted, she's not the best saleslady, and neither is she baby-faced, but her face is shaped like chiseled marble to obsessive perfection. That's all I think.

Currently, I'm getting bored with life. How should I say it? Yes I like what's happening, that I can study stuff I want, that I can talk to a few people to ease my loneliness, and I can play to my heart's content. But I never get content.

In the end it boils down to that, no? To the fact that I all these things can't make me that happy, that the same confidence that I have of my future should be the same dependence I should have at the present. Okay, maybe it doesn't make sense if I put it that way. The same faith in God regarding my future should be the same faith I have in Him regarding my joy.

To be exact, my confidence in my future is the promise of the Sovereign God, "all things work together for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose." The latter is harder to understand, but it's close to being satisfied in whatever He gives plus delighting in obeying His commandments.

But then I never learn.

About the meditation (very relevant haha), I'm currently reading proverbs! The first part consists mostly of keeping and chasing wisdom to avoid seduction. It's very specific against seduction. So the simpleminded basically asks for trouble, walking at midnight toward the house of the woman. Which is also exactly what I've been doing (metaphorically).

So I will try again. And again. And again.

I'd like to have a verse by verse analysis or just comparison of the parallelisms especially across chapters, but I'm on my phone right now and it's hard to do that.

I'm going to ChEckboard tomorrow and hopefully I get inspired to do some real studying. Because honestly, it's discouraging to study for a trivial exam (if it really is trivial and luck).

Thursday, October 15, 2015

October 15 2015 Thursday

Today I saw the star! It's pretty much the only new thing today. Fun and amusing as always.

While I was studying with T- and A- I memorized the periodic table! (Before they came actually) At least, the symbols, their placements, and atomic masses. Now I just need to know the names.

Seeing my batchmates study so hard makes me feel guilty. Maybe I should take the board exam more seriously. But I feel it's pointless to pour so much effort on it when I have this chance to learn a lot of other more interesting and more useful things.

I also noticed that a lot of them lack confidence especially even though a lot of them are basics. I think there's something lacking with the UP education if that's the case.

Though admittedy that confidence usually leads to my weakness of carelessness, which has cost me many, many downfalls.

And then I think I should also start writing my thoughts here during devotion! I won't keep it organized though, maybe I'll write and compile and synthesize some other day. But I'll keep the ideas raw.

So there's that! Bonne nuit!

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

October 14 2015 Wednesday

I didn't study much at home again, butinstead fixed google contacts. But hey, at least it's finished.

As usual I went with my routine of AQW, Duolingo (Español and Deutsch), and a korean app for 한글 but it is mostly just for vocabulary. (Yes I installed a korean keyboard on my phone, also español, deutsch and français, but I haven't re-started studying the latter.) I need to find other resources especially for grammar.

For lunch I just ate the fish with tausi last night (which I love by the way) and added some mayonaisse.

I fell asleep and left home at around 2 PM. I arrived at engglib and studied with T-, R-, and A-. Mostly just continued memorizing the periodic table. I have in my head now up until Actinium (227).

The star texted randomly! Feels nice. We're gonna meet tomorrow!

I noticed I've been seeing things less and less 'as a Christian.' Well, what does that even mean? Anyway, at least I'm not the same as before. I'm going to think about it.

I need to really build this reading habit (of the Bible) in the morning and in the evening.

So I found this draft I wrote long ago. Let me start with the Mt Batulao story that I owe.

July 1 2015 Wednesday

I had my first legitimate training session of Filipino Martial Arts under sir Jocano. They had chill breathing and stretching exercises, but what I like most is the scientific approach to the exercises.

Particularly I enjoyed stretching my core muscles, the act which they call Lastiko.

I memorized their 13 strikes. The only difference from sir Brix' was the horizontal neck slash, which wasn't so different from the normal horizontal slash.

Then I went to Nate's house for the overnight. I waited for Yeyel for a bit but I figured there must be curfew with the gates and all so I decided to leave and walk since he also wasn't replying anyway.

I was the first to arrive there. Their house was a little bit creepy with almost all the lights off.

Shortly after came yeyel, then carla, then david. Then we talked with esge over the phone and some bluetooth speakers.

I asked Y-- whether he's courting T-- and if I should distance myself. Not like I plan to make a move; I'm still in love with her after all.

Then I took a bath and slept.

July 2 2015 Thursday

I woke up and there was a thunderstorm. I couldn't sleep. So I read the Bible and caught up with my reading plan. I notice I don't meditate on it as much, though, which is not a good sign.

Also D- texted about the storm and I replied "oo nga eh." I have this peace/confidence that things will be alright, storm or no.

Then I fell asleep again.

I woke up and there was no rain. I was already good to go after taking a pee.

We left a few minutes before the agreed time of 5 AM. Then as planned, we drove to Esge's Dad's workplace and switched with the hired driver kuya Dodong. Then we drove to Tagaytay.

I was the assigned treasurer so I received P500 from everyone. All of this was used up by the end of the trip.

We ate breakfast at McDo. I had two piece chicken. I also brought my two sticks with me. Carla had pancakes while the others had chicken of some sort too. I bought the sausage with egg and rice for the driver.

Then we passed by seven eleven and bought other supplies like a lighter and drinks. So very thankful I bought an extra liter of water.

Then we went to Mt Batulao, parked at the canteen. I put on sunscreen from Y-. We had a vote whether to get a guide, and I voted for. So glad we got a guide. We'd have been lost and unable to proceed.

So we began the hike and walked to Batulao. It was a fairly decent walk, around 20 minutes I think. Esge bought a P10-bamboo staff along the way.

While walking a dog growled at me, and a young goat followed to the entrance of the trail later. The goat was "meehhhh"-ing and all and it was so cute. It was whimpering loud when we left it.

Then we arrived at the trail. The view there was plenty lovely already, but when we reached the peak that kind of view seemed so petty.

We climbed the old trail and descended the new trail. How should I describe it? The green mountain was covered in tall grass, only very few trees here and there. The trail was wide enough only for a person. We walked along knife edges with a fairly steep slope on both sides, and we traversed the side of the mountain, clinging on walls, walked the rolling paths up and down its little peaks, until we climbed the final assault.

All the while Carla had a 'wound' and she left her thing on the car.

Then we climbed the last stretch, which was very difficult. We were like climbing very tall and uneven stairs, sometimes slippery with dust, with some unstable rocks, with a ravine behind us.

We had to pull ourselves on a rope up a high slope.

When finally we reached the peak, a cool wind was blowing nonstop. There was a 360-degree view of bliss, while the heat of the sun was covered by the clouds.

Everything seemed so small. I could see far to the horizon, other mountains waiting to be climbed.

When I saw it, I knew why God called it good.

It was only us at the peak. It felt like we had the mountain to ourselves.

And we had lunch up there. Chicken adobo with egg and mongo. C/o david and esge. Rice c/o nate.

We didn't take a lot of selfies. It doesn't really matter to me. I've experienced everything, and when I look at the pictures and when I re-read this blog I will remember the smell of the grass and the fresh, sweet, deep breath of my lungs and the cool wind and the sun battling on my skin, and the rocks and dirt on my foot and the rope on my hands.

After enjoying the view and the food and the rest and the weather, we began our descent.

A dog followed us up the peak, and also part of the descent.

We met a number of groups along the way.

We were more or less tired by this time so we were slower. But really it was dangerous, especially that narrow rock we had to cross. It literally had ravines on all sides. I didn't even bother try standing. I just crawled my way there.

Then there was a series of short rappels.

Then it was just a long walk back down.

We rode a tricycle back to the canteen while the other three walked because Carla couldn't sit.

We took a bath except carla and the swapping of gender roles became a running joke.

Then we went to Tagaytay and ate bulalo. It was my first time and it wasn't very much different from nilaga, except it was... tastier. The free brewed coffee was good too haha.

Then we left and got caught in the traffic in Sucat and we had ghost stories! The only creepy ones were Yeyel's.

So last night while I was asleep Yeyel was beside me to my left. He couldn't sleep. After a while, he was drifting off to dreamland, when he suddenly woke up. He noticed his left hand (not my side) was under the sofa, completely relaxed, AND FLOATING. He pulled it and tuck it under his arms and tried to sleep again. Then he felt a footstep to his right (my side, which is understandable), and then another to his left (which is not). He didn't sleep after that.

Apparently there were other Pep stories and my favorites were those who had third eyes.

Then we arrived at Nate's home and I got my stuff from the top floor and I remembered Yeyel's story so I turned on the lights. To see where ny stuff are, of course. Haha.

Yeah, remember when I said the house was creepy without lights?

Then I went home.

Let's skip July 3 since we had a separate post there.

July 4 2015 Saturday

Scheduled now is Mike's party! I wasn't supposed to go since I didn't know where but Chan was going so I tagged along. I played a game first though and I won. Now 4 LP away from a series.

Then we went to Pampanga. I thought it was Cubao but it was Pampanga. Anyway both are just an hour away or so from SM North so I decided it was okay.

I was wrong.

Anyway on the way C- and I talked about me and her. So I learned a lot. And from there I decided on my next action. But that will happen tomorrow.

I see now how stupid I was. It's a good thing I've learned a bit now. But of course the hurt's been done already and I shouldn't expect a second chance. It's not everyday you get one. Not like I deserved one.

So there's that. If she isn't willing to give me a second chance, then all is okay. I'd leave her life quietly. Maybe cry for a while. Pray for her. Move on. Pray for her still. If she is, then... let's leave that for later.

So we ate at Bale Capampangan. Of course my friends are ready for any adventure and so I thought I was. We finished early actually, until around 3. Then we went to Mike's house there and we hung out a bit. Me and gabo and chan and jd and rojen. And 2mike of course. After that we were supposed to go home. But Chan went to her grandparents' house and was held up there. Because they're grandparents.

So we went to Dau guided by JD and were about to ride a bus. C- called and invited us to dinner, which is okay with me. So she gave some instructions and we went to their house. We didn't get lost. (I expected to, since I was navigating and I just slept my way while JD was leading haha)

Then her lolo began talking about his life (which is interesting, to be fair) how he was a cop and her daughters and how he handled the arayat thing and how he met Lacson and how he served the barangay and everything.

I had to leave since mom was mad. I got mad too because she was texting all caps and accused me of making landi and all. So I texted her something which I really regretted. It's been a long fear of mine that we are just time deposits for my mother.

So I was sad I couldn't eat and that grandparents get sad when people don't eat. So I bought a cheeseburger at McDo.

And I didn't get lost going to Dau. Thanks to a kind lady.

And on the bus I was crying. And on the FX too. And I was thinking of all the things I could say and what kind of cold treatment I'll retaliate and how I should forgive as I have been forgiven and if I should say sorry or not and a really really lot of things.

I walked slowly thinking about this but when I got home dad wasn' t very angry. But I was tired and really sad about what I said to mom and confused about what I'd do regarding her. So I decided to drink half a mug of wine and I felt a bit wobbly. And I talked to dad.

And he explained mom's attitude (which I also knew, but didn't want to accept because I was angry) and he explained a lot of things and he also emphasized about my lovelife how she should be a Christian (which I also knew) and a lot of sobering things. And it was nice just to pour my feelings and it was nice to understand things.

Then I slept.

July 5 Sunday

We went to church and now I have the stigma of a summa. Then we went to SM and my brother and lola ate at Tokyo. Then while waiting for my parents I read a science of cooking or something in National Bookstore. I sat down to read, actually, and even fell asleep a little. The guard woke me up when he asked me not to sit.

I learned a lot about food. I want to read more. Maybe when I live alone next year.

October 13 2015 Tuesday

Today I studied with C! I was early at engglib2 and I read perry's on my own for about three hours. And I remembered how it felt to be left alone (like that one friday I donated blood) and felt sad. But that was just for a short time.

Then C- came and we went to the mainlib so she could keep her bag but they checked countersigns so we moved to KFC because I was hungry.

Apparently T- were at engglib after lunch, which was about the time I left. Oh well.

I answered my brother's exam which was reasonably difficult.

I lost my series to plat I.

Monday, October 12, 2015

October 12 2015 Monday

Every monday I join the ChE198 Process Systems Engineering class. I think I haven't told you yet. I sit in the class with Aaron under sir Jhud and sir Karl.

Today we learned about using Lingo to optimize DRNs, HENs, and by analogy MENs. I've been thinking about it already before and I could have thought of it myself but it's always nice to have the method laid out for you already. More importantly I learned the syntax for nested loops in Lingo.

But before that, I accompanied my brother to SM Fairview to get his sim changed to a microsim (he also has a new phone). We ate at shrimp shack which was overpriced, but the taste was fine. It was good for a change. But I ended up buying snack box from KFC.

I lost the first game of my series to Plat 1.

I was about to text T- but then she asked something about ChEckboard first. Haha. Although I still didn't ask the common question because she doesn't seem to want to reply to it (I asked twice already). But to be fair she did tell something about that. But it's confusing. Anyway I think we'll join them tomorrow (if they do plan to study, that is).

I can hardly do my morning training even though I wake up at 6. My mom promptly asks me to buy pandesal, which means it's breakfast time. I usually only finish my warm ups. Next time though I'll delay eating so I can practice my indoor sprints (more like a series of fast cambios. I thought of it myself). I'll also ask our master on wednesday if I can join their training for the tournament. I can't join the tournament because I'm probably working by then.

I thought of her so randomly while going home. But then in my mental dialogue I keep telling myself I don't think about it anymore. Which is ironic. But it's true that I no longer think of what I can do or what can happen. I firmly believe that the answer to both is nothing.

I wasn't able to continue writing the campfire story. I'll think of the lore on my free time.

That's that. I'll try to be early tomorrow so buenas noches for now.

Sunday, October 11, 2015

October 11 2015 Sunday

Today is the first day after fixing my google calendar. The routine reminders are pretty useful.

Anyway I couldn't sleep last night so I began the first chapter of The Bloodstone. Of course while on it I thought of a lot of different ways to change it but then I should realize that there is no perfect allegory. Because allegories are just that, allegories. The real thing will always be so much different and so much better. But allegories are sometimes easier to understand.

The service today is about the great commission. And Danielle (I know she's from CCC) was there and I remembered a lot of things about CCC. And I want to fix my thoughts again, after all this time. What happened, and all that.

Then we ate at KyoChon. I like their spicy chicken. It's less spicy than the Kaboom! Wings in Morayta.

That's another story to tell! There was this lunch during the ChE calc lesson (which has an extremely slow pace) and we didn't know where to eat. They ended up following whoever's in front, which happened to be me, and I just walked where I felt like it. I turned to the left at the yellowcab corner and found thus kaboom thing. The price was okay, so we entered and picked our orders. It happened that we were among the first 26 customers that day so we availed free extra rice and drink upsize (P2 actually), and also the buy two take one burger. I overspent a little but it was fun (which is the mentality that all promos are after. I guess they were quite effective)

Anyway the KyoChon chicken is really good (no blood!) and I like the fact that vegetables were served. I tasted a little of the garlic rice (which was my brother's) and surprisingly, it's not oily. (We bought double drumstick thing, which was P149 and then settled for extra rice. My brother wanted garlic rice). I should try that for myself sometime.

Also my cousin was with us in church. Which is good.

And then I downloaded a first aid app (red cross) and it's very informative. I decided to learn a little everyday, just like I do with Spanish, German, an Korean. I still haven't done anything about sign language and waray.

Sometimes I still crave for a random chat. Like a "kamusta" out of nowhere. But then you don't really expect people to do that. I like doing that but I think people find it weird.

Didn't get siesta. I should stop getting siesta. It messes up my sleep cycle.

Saturday, October 10, 2015

October 10, 2015

Today I fixed my email! Tens of thousands of them in my inbox, all sorted. Both yahoo and gmail. And they're now synced to my new phone too. And I also fixed the google calendar. It is oddly satisfying. Better get organized now!

It took me the whole morning to do those. And I was so tired that I fell asleep in the afternoon. But then I'm sure it has something to do with my natural body clock getting sleepy at three o' clock.

Of course I still need to filter the next messages. But as long as I set up automatic filters for a minute or two a day, I can get finished in I think a week or so.

My brother took home the ChE exam! I'll answer it tomorrow hehehe.

I noticed I have not posted about the Batulao trip. I began something in the drafts but for some reason did not finish. So I'll do it tomorrow too, with pics! Although they're on fb already anyway. And I also remembered Banahaw for some reason. I think I have a natural affinity for mountains.

Still bored out of my mind, but I'm coping. I tried AQ worlds again but then I remembered it doesn't have a good player community (too many bots).

I can't find a good bible plan on the phone whose app is nifty in size and ram and doesn't have ads. Guess I'll do it the hard way.

Friday, October 9, 2015

October 9 2015 Friday

I'm getting bored with LoL. Which is good. I decided not to pick up anymore games so as to be more productive in general. But the downside is I often feel very bored, and also without contact from social world I feel very alone most of the time. But then that is not bad at all. I need to learn to deal with it, as I've been saying all along. "Christ is my all in all." Very hard to do.
In any case, I've been trying to set up a VPN, but then decided against it (after a lot of things) since free vpn servers aren't exactly trustworthy (I tried hotspot shield for a while, but it keeps interfering with my normal internet usage). Almost all free vpns have ads and of course I don't have money to buy a spare laptop to use as a server or a router that supports it  (I don't want to use my laptop because it will slow down, since it would need to process and encrypt and decrypt all that goes through our rather limited bandwidth)
But then when I have money I'm thinking of setting up a vpn. And also I'm thinking of buying the tasker app for my phone. But really, they're not necessities.
I studied a lot of fluid flow after finishing mass transfer (still in perry's). Perry's is a very useful book. But it's rather disorganized for a handbook. Well, maybe that's because a good chemical engineer is someone who knows the theories. Like you don't need to look up the basic equations. Then Perry's becomes useful. Very, very, very useful.
Still stuck in platinum II. Nasus is a decent top laner (at least when I use him) but he can't carry the game. Everyone seems to blame me for not TP'ing when they're losing their lane (Pro tip: when you lose lane it's your fault). There are also a lot of toxic players in Plat. I guess that's Philippines for you.
My brother thinks our ChE101 is easy because in their batch only two passed (my brother's the top of course). It's a funny thought considering how unenthusiastic they are about their studies, complaining about every little thing (not just in ChE). Then justifying their shortcomings because of the same things.
Exactly how toxic players think in LoL. But that's not right. All you can do is improve yourself, not others. If you're gonna look for faults, look at your own and fix them. Make do with what you have however shitty they are (teachers, books, classmates). If you're gonna be an engineer, know the ideal, deal with the real.
But then I guess they're still kids. Haha. I do hope they learn that though.
I look forward to studying outside the house! (Because C-'s back :)) ) Less distractions, and you don't get nagged on every so often. Also, opportunity to learn sprinting (it's my assignment for FMA). But I plan on making it up with three sets of the 7 minutes exercise. We'll see.
I didn't practice today because I woke up late. Haha. I need to wake up at 5:30 or 6:00. Gotta set up the alarm later.
I also want to change the blog color scheme! I think I want to go with dark blue, like my new phone. The banner does not match though, so I need to find a replacement.
Then I studied with my brother today! ChE 101 exam tomorrow. It's fun! It doesn't feel as hard anymore. Although I feel a little bit slow in calculations.

Thursday, October 8, 2015

October 8 2015 Thursday

August 15 2015 Saturday
Today is Elise's birthday. But that's not the point.

She and I finally talked to each other. About things. Love. Us.

All this confusion of mine has finally ended. Finally I had decided to not make ligaw. She said she doesn't like me anymore. And that's that. We're friends now, as we should've been.

We also talked about things, about the past.

We ate at Ramen Nagi and then drank a suitably bitter Latte at Krispy Kreme. She has good taste. Then we studied with Mikee at Mexicali for a short while.

And went home our separate ways.

Today
It's been so long. The pageviews are down to zero! And again, the blog serves its public-private purpose.

A lot of things happened. I didn't cry. Though I know I won't find anyone like her. (Everyone's unique after all, and I always make it a point to love a person not because of any single particular trait. See the good, accept the bad. Love for who they are. In general. Not just romantically.) But it's not so much of a broken heart as much as it is a shattered dream. After all, there was never anything between us. I just wanted her so badly.

I'd like to speak in the past tense, so as to convince myself more. It's my way of coping. Now we're mostly just awkward and ignore and avoid each other when people are around (she doesn't like it when Carl and the others talk about that. Although of course I'm fine.) but she speaks a little when it's just the two of us. And whenever I see that smile and stare at those eyes, I remember why.

In the end we couldn't even be just friends. I guess it'll never be the same. I can't treat her as if nothing ever happened, like with --. I could do that, but then she can't.

And that's okay. I've accepted that fact already.



Mama is so annoying. Always asking if I'm studying or not. It makes me want to NOT study whenever she does that.

Anyway, now I'm platinum II! Kinda stuck again, what with my nasus not carrying the game as it should. My laning phase is rather difficult if I'm not first pick. And apparently solo queue at platinum II actually know how not to stall the game. In any case, I think I need to practice AD assassins like Talon or Zed. Basically a wider role pool,if there'a such a thing.

Also, I've been studying Perry's. I'm not really that into the board exam. Of course I do want to be top 1; who doesn't? But I'm not aiming for it. Or studying like crazy for it. I want to use this time to study other things that I want, like different languages, ChE198 Process Systems Engineering and Filipino Martial Arts. I'll also study numerical methods after boards. I'll just go with the book since I couldn't commit saturdays to Doc M's class.

Oh and I love Filipino Martial Arts. The group is called Telu Bituun Bagani, part of Lightning Scientific Arnis (L sci) and also Leskas if I'm not mistaken. I'm probably mistaken. I was told yesterday that I need to practice sprints. But I woke up late (7 am, can't even do warmups) so I couldn't start. Also my body still feels tired.

I've been working on duolingo this past week too. Trying to gild all the spanish, but mostly just refresh. And german. I haven't continued french and irish yet i decided german over french because they have better Anaerobic Digestion technology. And I want to learn that. And I really want to continue learning waray. Also I downloaded a korean app. I want to learn that too, since I realized it's useful not only for webtoons but for life as well (a lot of major construction companies are korean)

Last saturday we bought a new cellphone since my mom's will be returned to dad's office. Dad will retire soon so I need to work hard! But there's not really much pressure.

Anyway because of that I got a new Samsung Galaxy J1, and I realized when I got home that this is the same as T's. Ah, have I already said that she's interesting? I think I said that before.

Then I immediately installed all tools and apps I had on my old Galaxy Duos. But when I was about to transfer the sim, I realized J1 only has nanosim so I needed to transfer my (very) old sim to a new one.

That's why I spent 3 hours yesterday waiting for 25 people to finish. The Smart Center at SM Fairview is REALLY slow. Like they have no sense of professionalism and they walk slowly and do a lot of talking to each other. I mean, being buddies and all isn't bad but hey, they're working at the moment and there's no place for that. The manager doesn't even care. Like it's a norm.

And I heard that in the ME board, cheating was so rampant. I hope it doesn't happen to ChE boards. But whatever. MRII practically encourages us to cheat since they keep saying we can write on Perry's.

Not me though. Not gonna write anything. That's also part of the reasons I don't aim for top one.

So I've deactivated my fb and twitter and pretty much cut off from the outside world. I'm not even texting anybody about updates in the social world (though I admit that was a bit sudden and I do get bored to death, and I do wonder about it but I don't want to think too much about things). Oh, I asked LC but she has no internet and is taking care of puppies.

Hmm, well, that's that I can think of right now. It's been so long and I might remember things along the way and just drop them off there too.

Last thing! I want to write a novel. I have things in mind but that can wait after board exam.