December 31 2014 Wednesday

New year is an illusion. There's nothing really in space that demarcates the point in the ever-so-slowly-changing ellipse where the Earth began rotating around the Sun. It is but a random day while Amihan's cool and rainless kiss still touches the mountains and rustles the leaves. What's the difference between January 1 and February 25 anyway? Tomorrow is just another day, but we choose to celebrate it anyway.

Yes, yes. I'm aware that historically, it's a pagan celebration. 1st day of the Gregorian Calendar, liturgical stuff of the Roman Catholics and Protestants alike, etc. But really, why don't we have circular calendars? Maybe even if we did, we probably'd just mark off the day at the exact top as "Day 1" just like we set the 12 on the clock as zero.

We like the rectangular calendars because we like to think that there are new beginnings. We like to think that one day, we can just change who we are and say "I won't do this anymore" or "I will do that starting now"or "I will become like this" or "I will be like that." We like to think that overnight, as we light fireworks up into the sky, our mistakes would just burn up to the sky and explode bright and suddenly turn into something pretty.

Oh, I do believe in new beginnings. That's why I'm here blogging anyway. I want to build a habit of writing and reading the Bible. But it's not that easy. Yes, people change, but we have to be real and work hard for it. It takes 9 months before babies are born, there were 6 days of creation, and 3 days before the resurrection. Was God idle during those times? Do sculptors or painters or potters snap their fingers to form a masterpiece? The Almighty God chose to work, and work also we should.

I guess I won't wait for tomorrow. Let me start now.

Don't Wait for the Pope - On Pope Francis' Arrival

Millions of devout Catholics and millions more of curious and intrigued people are eager for his arrival next year, January 15 2015. A lot are actually more excited about this than New Year or Christmas. There are even hashtags in Twitter like #DearPopeFrancis where you would see people write messages, ask for prayers, and even ask for help from him.

And why not? After all, he’s the cool Pope. He’s the people’s pope. He wasn’t just a poser who joined twitter and took selfies; He was a man of action. He would personally take time to call and console a rape victim, and sneak out of Vatican to help the poor. He always emphasized love over dogma. He focused on serving people. He extended the hands of the church to the gays, the whole LGBT community, atheists, Muslims – people who were previously disdained by the church. He openly criticized the lavish lifestyle of some bishops and priests and held them in account. He was a role model to the youth.

Even from the viewpoint of those outside the church, Pope Francis is an amazing guy. But Filipino Catholics are eager to see him too for another reason: blessings. It is the same reason many aim to accomplish “Simbang Gabi.” It is why people would volunteer to torture themselves and shed their own blood in penitences. It is why millions would stampede and push and even step on others just to touch a portion of the Poong Nazareno with their handkerchiefs. “Blessing” is often understood as an answer to a personal wish or a prayer, and it can be attained either by completing a ritual, or being in contact (not necessarily physical) with someone or something holy.

Third, Pope Francis is a celebrity, and Filipinos love celebrities. There’s probably no need to expound on this.

Well, what’s so wrong with waiting for Pope Francis? It diverts attention from the real focus. Not much, eh? Actually, that’s a pretty big deal, because the real focus should be on Christ. Even he admits this.

We ask for wishes from Pope Francis, #DearPopeFrancis to get him to pray to God for us, when the only mediator between God and man is Christ Jesus. In fact, this is why Christians aren’t like Catholics that pray to saints and Mary the mother of Jesus: aside from being a sign of unbelief in Christ’s work (that His sacrifice has allowed us to enter boldly into the throne of grace), it’s quite pointless to pray to another intercessor, even the Pope, when you can already pray directly to God. (Anyway, it’s true that most Christians don’t get the doctrine that Catholics’ praying to dead saints is a matter of talking to them and asking for intercession the way a Christian would ask for intercession from other believers, making their bias rather irrational and simply an act of following the majority.)

We wait for His blessing, when God has already given a much greater one: eternal life through Jesus Christ. He has given us Himself; He is our portion. What more should we seek?

We await his arrival with much eagerness, but not even have a percent for Christ’s. Even before finalizing the date and the itinerary of the Pope’s visit, the government has been doing some “cleaning up” in Tacloban. (It’s an extremely unjust case of relocation of the poorer residents to put up a facade of order and cleanliness. I do hope the Pope addresses this.) But waiting for Christ’s return isn’t even half as exciting. We have lost our faith that He will come. Local media’s announcement that “Pope Francis’ visit confirmed” is more reliable than that loud voice, as of a trumpet, saying “I will come to you quickly!”

And so don’t wait for Pope Francis. Wait for Him who has already come; Him who was, who is, and who is to come.

Transfer and a Welcome Note

I'll be migrating my notes here slowly in the next few weeks. Christmas vacation is only until January 11 though, so maybe I'll use that time to study something about the layout. Not really good with those things.

In any case, this will be my private-public outlet (my public place where nobody is). Here I'll rant sometimes, preach sometimes, think loudly sometimes. What's the deal? What's the point of having an outlet when nobody reads it? Well, I think it gives an illusion of someone actually listening to me. You see, I usually end up the receiving end of the conversation; not that people aren't willing to listen, it's just that I don't really talk much about myself. Heck, if you want to know me then spend time with me; I'm a "quality time" kind of person.

Too emo? Ah, that's probably another characteristic of this blog. I usually only write when I introspect, and I only introspect when I'm sad. Happy people don't introspect; thinking about life and stuff is for the sadder ones.

That's pretty much it for now.

December 24 2014 Wednesday

Today nothing happened. I did nothing; (read manga, play LoL). Well, I must say Gantz is a really good read, with sex and blood and stuff, but the character development was really interesting. I even lost my Christmas game in LoL.

Well the summer moon just replied, saying 'yummy ang food eh.' Speaking of food, a lot of the food - no, actually all of them had pork in it. As you may have known, I don't prefer pork (but I do eat it just to clarify). It's Christmas anyway, so I'll endure this time.

It's a funny phrase isn't it? "It's Christmas anyway, do a little good," "it's Christmas anyway, do what you want." Ah well, if it adds a little good in the world then by all means let's have Christmas.

But this uneventful Christmas of mine is so ironic isn't it? No replies (except for my summer moon which I'm really happy about). Well at least my groupmate L and teammate A remembered, but they're the type that actually do that all the time so I don't think it too special. Not much greetings, and just three gifts from relatives. Maybe God would answer, though. I hope he does. I'm not really so sure anymore.

Pesteng Karoling

“Patawad, sa 24 na lang.”

Yan ang sinasabi namin sa lahat ng nangangaroling. Hindi lang naman siguro kami ang mga taong sawa na sa mga batang pumupukpok lang ng tambourine at walang kagana-ganang kumanta kung mangaroling. Karoling ang tawag, pero sa katunayan ay panlilimos lang din nang may hawak na tambol at dagdag na kapal ng mukha.

Sabihin mo nang wala akong awa, pero hindi ako uto-uto. Alam naman natin na sindikato lahat sila, maliit man o malaki. Pag nagbigay ka ng isa, sunod-sunod na yan; gabi-gabi kang kakantahan ng “Pasko na Naman” at “Sa’ming Bahay,” at aabusuhin ng paulit-ulit ng kanilang mga kasama hanggang sa marindi ka at maubos hindi lang ang iyong barya kundi pati ang iyong pasensya at kabutihang-loob. ‘Di mo ba sila nakita dun sa kanto? Tingnan mo dun, nagtuturuan kung anong kulay ng bubong at pader o kung saang parol nakasabit ang bahay na nagbibigay. Mabuti pa nga kung kumakanta; minsan ay pumupukpok na lang ng lata at nagsasalita na lang, masabi lang na may kanta. Minsan kakatok lang, “namamasko po!”

Oo, hindi ako namimigay ng limos. Bakit ako mamimigay? Hindi kaya madaling kumita ng pera; tapos, hihingiin lang nila? Hindi kakain ang hindi nagtatrabaho. Pati nga DSWD sinasabi nang wag mamigay ng limos. Aminin mo na, peste ang mga yan.

Nagtataka nga ako bakit ako pa ang kailangang humingi ng tawad. Bakit ba kailangang sabihing “patawad?” Karapatan ba nilang bigyan ko sila ng pera? Nanghihingi lang sila; nasa sa akin na kung gusto kong magbigay. Pero sila pa itong may ganang magsungit at magmura at magsisigaw ng “barat!”

Ako ang mamimili kung sino ang karapat-dapat bigyan. Yung magaling kumanta, kuhang-kuha ang “espiritu ng pasko.” Yung maayos manamit, siguradong hindi nanlilimos. Yung may gitara pa, effort talaga! Basta wag yung gusgusin, sindikato yan. Kung saan-saan lang naman nila ginagastos yung pera: pangmall, lakwatsa, landi. Hindi naman nag-aaral ng mabuti.

Pero minsan naiisip ko, wala rin naman kaming pinagkaiba. Minsan hindi rin naman ako nag-aaral ng mabuti. Nagfafacebook, twitter, DotA, LoL, manonood ng animé, o kung anong BBC series, kain dito, movie doon; ginagamit ko din naman ang pera ko para magpakasaya. Siguro ang pinagkaiba lang, nabiyayaan lang ng kaunting ginhawa. Siguro naman kahit mahirap sila may karapatan pa rin silang magpakasaya, di ba? Kahit mall lang o lakwatsa, hindi naman siguro masama?

Kung effort ang pag-uusapan, magkasinghirap lang din siguro ang pagtatrabaho at panlilimos. Kahit gaano kakapal ang mukha mo, hindi rin naman madaling tapakan ang iyong dignidad at paghinalaan na magnanakaw o tamad ng bawat pares ng mata na makasalubong mo. Hindi madaling magbilad sa init ng araw at sumabit sa jeep na gusto kang ihulog, at maglakad ng nakayapak habang isa sa limang daang tao lang ang magbibigay sa’yo ng piso. Sa mga pesteng gustong mabuhay na parang hari ng kalsada siguro wala na akong magagawa, pero sa mga batang may pangarap pa, baka makatulong ang kaunting barya.

Wala rin naman akong pinagkaiba, dahil sa totoo lang, peste din ako. Hari ng sarili kong kalsada, abusado sa nag-iisang bahay na namimigay ng limos. Pero kahit na hindi ako magaling kumanta, o maayos manamit, at kahit na walang gitara, minsan isang pasko may pumili na bigyan ako ng isang regalong higit sa lahat ng baryang maiipon ng mundo. Minsan isang pasko pinatawad din ako. Kaya’t kung mangangaroling ka samin, kung pwede sana, ito rin ang ibibigay ko. Kaya kung pwede sana, wag mong hanapin ang barya. Ngayon, patawad muna. Balik ka na lang sa 24. Sana maalala mo pa.

Sadness

There are days when you’re just sad, that even the heat of the brightest sunshine masked by the coolest breeze could not penetrate the skin to reach and cheer the soul. There are days when even the most majestic crashing of the waterfalls accompanied by the sweetest chirping of the birds and crickets and forest critters sound like TV static against the unthinkable turmoil of the mind. There are days when the kindest acts of service, the most concerned “how are you?”, and the gentlest touch prick the wounds of a dying heart.

There are days that for no reason, we just want to give up: stop working, stop thinking, stop talking – for absolutely no reason we want to do absolutely nothing at all. Some days we just want to die, maybe just for a day or two.

Today is one of them.

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I don’t know. Maybe you’re right. Maybe I just want to know who really cares, who would stay in the midst of this despair, or who would be foolish enough to stick with me even when I drive them away. But sometimes it’s not a matter of who cares, for surely someone does even just a little; nor is it a matter of who cares enough; sometimes it’s a matter of not knowing how. And I am afraid to tell them not because they don’t ask, but because they might not.

If I asked you to stay without talking, without even listening – just silently staying by my side for hours and hours on end while I sit and walk and think of nothing and everything at the same time, would you do it for me? If I woke you up from your snug slumber at 2 am but had nothing to say, would you hold the phone to your ear and listen to me breathe, or would you just pretend to be there while you fall asleep? It’s stupid, I know, but that’s what I feel, what I want, maybe what I need. I’m stupid, I know, but some days I’m just sad. Some days I just want to do nothing at all, except maybe die for a day or two. Today is one of them. Today, maybe I need you to stay.

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It’s almost funny that the word “sad” is a pretty sad existence. Do you know how sadness has always been underrated? It’s the one thing nobody wants. It’s so quickly forgotten, so hastily avoided, not just as an emotion but even as a word because of its lack of ‘power.’ It’s true; sad isn’t as powerful as depressed, sorrowful, dejected, despairing, heartbroken, gloomy, melancholic, woeful, and perhaps a hundred more words each a different shade of sad.

Sadness, after all, is defined as the opposite of happiness. Younger brothers know how hard it is to be always compared to the firstborn. Talents, looks, attitude – they are always living in the shadow of their kuya. Sino mas magaling sa inyo? (Which one of you is better?) Kamukha mo kuya mo! (You look like your brother!) Ba’t di mo gayahin kuya mo? (Why don’t you emulate your brother?). All their childhood, they live like this. But the sadness of sad is more than that: Imagine being defined by your enemy and antithesis from time immemorial until time undatable. It never becomes about you; it’s always about him. And you would always be known as not him. Sad is worse than a shadow, it’s not even a void; it is a negative, always defined by its opposite, always known by what it’s not.

But sometimes – no, oftentimes, it’s the word that we use to describe our feelings. Oftentimes we’re not depressed, nor sorrowful, nor dejected, nor whatever, because oftentimes we’re none of the above except just plain sad. It’s ever-present yet ever-unwanted. So the next time that you’re sad, appreciate its existence even just a little – squint your eyes and curve up your lips a bit, because even smiles know sadness too.

Cry

Who can keep a pig away from the mud?
Who can free an animal when pleasure floods?
Who can turn the rudder called the tongue?
Who can change the soul and heart of man?

I don't need your forgiveness if it can't make me clean
Don't just save me; change me from within
Make me new; make me holy
I want to see you in all your glory

The World's Prayer

Save me from trouble,
But not from sin.
Yes I need your forgiveness,
But don't make me clean.
Give me your blessings,
But spare me the discipline.
Be my friend, but not my king.

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Half-truths are the devil's lie

The Purity Obsession

The influences of the sexual freedom remain decades beyond its supposed ‘death.’ In reality, it is not the movement that is so influential but the liberal train of thought of free love. I have already written to you about this, telling you when love is wrong, but this time I want to talk about the Christian obsession with purity, as if sex and relationships were impure.

There are various manifestations of this obsession ranging from a ban on physical contact such as kisses and holding hands and hugs, to making vows of completely staying out of a relationship for a period of time. While these vows spring from true and noble intentions (which are indeed admirable), sometimes a tinge of selfish irrationality has overrun this practice.

Why is it irrational? Because what works for one does not always work for everyone. It would be understandable if you were as weak as I, easily swayed by the demands of the flesh. In this case, it is truly better to cut off relationships and/or make extreme vows than to be tempted and so be unwarily led to sin. Otherwise, if God has graced you with enough self-control, then I see no reason to make such vows, unless it is something like a Nazirite vow. But the problem lies here: sometimes these vows are made either because of 1) fear of being hurt, or 2) desire for happiness.

And so the logic goes like this: “I’ll stay pure until God gives me the one so I’ll be happy <or some other kind of happiness, such as not being hurt>.” While there is nothing wrong with wanting to be happy (God loves it when we delight in Him), this noble practice has been reduced to a selfish bargaining with God.

First and foremost, I think that the obsession with a soulmate is pointless. Some say that the idea of soulmates are Greek in nature (Zeus splitting humans into two with lightning), there is also a Jewish concept of a soulmate, tied to predestination. Because God is sovereign over all, including relationships and marriages, soulmates are not in contrast with Scripture. But predestination is the least of our concern, for the secret things belong to the Lord.

Our business lies with what is revealed to us: 1) being pure (not staying pure, because no one is pure), and 2) our motives for doing so.

The pursuit of purity is not for happiness, but for the Glory. Whatever we do, we do for the Glory; happiness is merely secondary. Now this does not mean that being pure is a heart-wrenching sacrifice; on the contrary, Old Testament sacrifices are more or less sacred parties. As the psalmist declares, “In His right hand are pleasures forever more.” Happiness is inevitably included in the end, but it is not the main goal.

It is easy to say that we do things for God’s glory, but we all know that our motives do not change so easily. After all, our hearts are the main reason we are impure. The kingdom is not concerned with staying out of relationships and of kisses and holding hands but with worshipping the Father in Spirit and in truth. What a woman kisses does not make her unclean, and what a man touches does not make him unclean, but what occupies their mind.

How then, do we become pure? And if it is not just staying out of relationships and physical contact, then what is it? The apostle Paul writes to the Thessalonians: “control your bodies in a holy and honourable manner, not with passion and lust.” In view of this, I think that purity is simply being holy. This we can attain by the renewing of our mind through meditation in His word, that we many know not just who, but what God’s will is – what is proper, pleasing, and perfect in his sight.

And if this is purity, then by all means, let us be obsessed with it.

Prayers Won’t Save You

Conversion has been reduced to a ritual of praying some version of the prayer of acceptance. While I do not doubt that many a good Christian have gone through this and that prayer is in fact a valid expression of the faith, I also believe that many, if not more, have been deceived and turned away by this practice.

This ritual has caused people to believe they are saved not because of God, but because they prayed, as if uttering some magic chant. That’s how it inadvertently looks like, or sometimes even how it’s intentionally made to look like. The meaning of conversion is to get a person to pray a prayer after making him understand some doctrine, and then shortly after assure them of eternal salvation. In this manner, whether intentionally or unintentionally, the end results shifts the object of saving faith from Christ to a mere powerless prayer.

Because of the emptiness of this ritual, many who have been forced or pressured at one point feel disdain and distrust in Christinaty as a whole. This makes them more averted to it, in addition to man’s natural awkward cringing reaction when talking about God, especially Christ. So although this method of conversion does some good, sometimes in some ways it actually does harm to others. It may also be seen in another way: this method does good despite doing harm to others. I will not decide which view is better. In either case, I feel a personal bias against it, and the way we view prayer in general.

Prayer has become a sort of magic, chant, ritual, wish, or sometimes a way to invoke the supposed power of optimism. But as far as I am concerned, I would agree with atheists that prayer is indeed powerless. It is this secret that many have denied. The truth is, prayers don’t change anything, but God does. Prayers can’t make miracles; God can. Prayers won’t save you; God will.

Now I don’t mean that we shouldn’t pray at all, because prayer is one of the means that God has ordained to shower us with blessings. These blessings many have already written about and I would like to skip that already. What I mean to say (and what I want you to remember) is that prayer is not in itself powerful; it only becomes powerful because of Christ. And so when we pray the sinner’s prayer or some version like it, it only becomes effective because God honours this expression of faith.

But prayer is not the only way to express faith. Each one has a different inclination in the moment of their conversion (which may not really be even a single moment at all). Some burst forth weeping, crying, laughing, singing, dancing, shouting, and other loud sounding gerunds. Others have it in a solemn epiphany or a quiet realization. There are those who simply decide to follow Christ, without any burst of emotion. And of course, there are those who pray.

It matters not, for the infinitely creative God made us differently, and He understands the language of each heart. And though true conversion is simple, it is never forced nor always defined by praying a powerless prayer; conversion simply means believing in the work of Christ.

November 8 2014 Saturday

Today we are in Banahaw. Well, we did not trek Mt. Banahaw itself, but in the area nearby. Nonetheless, it was still quite the adventure.

This is the PI 100 fieldtrip (Life and Works of Rizal). It is more or less academic in nature. Officially, the aim is to meet the Rizalistas, experience their worship, and other technical words. But mostly it's just the first two.

First we visited their churches. The first church was from the Spiritual Filipino Catholic Church. It is very similar to the Roman Catholic church, where there is a center altar and two rows of benches. It was very small, around 10 steps wide with a seating capacity of maybe 50 cramped people. The architecture is that of an ark, copying from Noah.

Their apologetics are a hodgepodge of verses taken out of context. But that does not matter, because the appeal is to the natural logic and the Filipino tendency to be animistic and ritualistic.

Then we had lunch, and proceeded with the trek.

The trek was really fun. For someone like me who really likes trees and soil and water and rain (basically nature in general), in a way it feels at home. For five hours, we climbed mountains and descended steep slopes. We dipped in pools and bathed in waterfalls and squirmed in caves and slid down moss-coveree large, unhewn rocks and walked under the rain. The trails were well-defined, but they were still very difficult. Smoothened rocks were unable to wound, but are deadly slippery.

The sky was overcast, and the stars were completely out of sight. But the full golden moon still shines through brightly like a true queen of the night.

I'd like to detail this more but I'm rather sleepy now.

Different

I thought-
No, I hoped-
That this time,
Maybe it would be different

I wasn't.

October 23 2014 Thursday

Today the summer moon sets, yet the sun has not risen, and I am left alone in the darkness again. I enjoyed basking in that pale, gentle, white glow, thinking it would last forever. That was foolish of me, to hope for what I do not expect, forgetting that unfulfilled expectations become mere disappointments, but unfulfilled hopes become broken hearts. It seemed like just a short time, as if the passing of the summer moon across the night seemed like a shooting star. I wonder, are you feeling the same way too? Are you wondering why I never fought for you, why I never pursued you?

I could, but I won't, and I shouldn't. It's not like I'm your boyfriend already. And who will I fight against? If it was the devil, I would have fought for you with all my life. But the Word says, "Children, obey your parents." Will I fight against the Lord? It is not right for me to cause you to disobey our Lord.

Or do you not believe that God is good, that "all things work together for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose?" Do you not know that this, too, is grace? Do you think that He who gave us the precious blood of Christ would spare any blessing for us? No, our good Lord will not withhold anything good from us. So if He withholds you from me, then it simply means that I am not good for you. It hurts a lot, but it is for the best for you and so I will willingly let you go.

So here is a last letter for you, if you ever come across this journal to read it.



I really, really like you. You are that someone I could easily be in love with. Every night I stayed up just to text you, every little conversation that made no sense, every smiley you sent, and every secret you shared somehow pushed me to like you more and more, to the point that even without seeing each other, I've grown to miss you so badly these past 4 days.

I really like you, but I'm not quite in love with you either. I haven't made that decision yet. I'm not like others who "fall" in love uncontrollably, who become enamored at the first sight of your beauty. I am not like the others who would weigh their options first and choose the best for them, picking the one that could make them happiest, thinking that they're in love with that one when really they're in love with themselves.

I am the kind of person who would have to consciously yet irrationally decide that "ah, this is the girl I love." And I do that, so that beyond seeing how beautiful you are when you cry or when you smile, beyond the times I'm leaning on you and you comforting me, beyond the romantic moments of our early years, I could still say "I love you anyway." I have to choose to love so that when you fall and trip in the mud and I see your soul in the ugliest that it can be, so that when we live our daily lives together without a spark or even with a coldness on our shoulders and in our hearts I could still sincerely say, "I love you anyway."

But not yet. I won't; Not now. I have told you before, didn't I? I can't court yet because I have no money. As silly as that may sound, I am serious about spending my own money for courtship, for I will not offer sacrifices that cost me nothing. But more than that, I am still immature and I don't want you to share my burden of killing Mr. Hyde. Lastly, the Lord has not given His answer and blessing regarding these matters, and that is reason enough.

Those few weeks seemed like they will last an eternity, but so did these last four days. I have learned again that while you are God's gift for this short happy while, no one can be my happiness forever, except Christ alone. I pray that you will also learn that too.

I'll be waiting. I will keep you in my prayers. Until next time, if the Lord wills.

To You

This was originally posted in Facebook notes, viewable only to her.
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Naalala mo pa ba?
Ang mga katangahan ko?
Ang mga masasayang panahon,
Na magkasama tayo?
Pero itinanggi kita sa harap nila.
At itinanggi ko rin sa sarili ko.

Ngayon, wala na.
Lipas na ang pag-ibig mo
Kung nagkaron man.
Hanggang ngayon hindi ko alam,
At baka hindi na kailanman.
Pero wala naman akong paki
Kung minahal mo nga ako o hindi
Dahil sa tanga kong ito,
At sa bagal ng puso ko,
Baliw pa rin ako sa'yo.

Bukas, sana
Wag mo akong kalimutan.
Kahit isang dagli lang
Sa bawat taon
Sana maalala mo
Na minsan sa buhay mo
May nagmahal sa'yong isang tanga.
Dahil hinding-hindi ko malilimutan
Na minsan sa buhay ko
Minahal kita.

Kung sa hinaharap
Pwede na maging tayo
At pwede pa maging tayo
At hindi na ako tanga
Baka pwede ring
Magsimula ng panibago.
Pangako
Hinding-hindi na kita itatanggi,
At hinding-hindi na'ko mag-aalangan
Sabihin sa kanila
At sabihin sa iyo
At sabihin sa sarili ko
Mahal kita.

Impatient

I can learn;
It's one of the few things I can do.
I just needed someone to be patient,
Sadly it's not you.

Step

Once I thought I fell in love
'Cause I was happy to see her smile
Happy to see her, even just to hear her
But suddenly, I realized

This is not love.

For to love a woman is to step into a world
Not your own, nor hers alone
Ever to be here, ever to be there
Even in hell for an unlikely pair

I fell in love, not with her,
But with the happiness that she brought
A happiness fleeting, like a shadow passing
Now gone forever. And so I thought

This is not love.

For to love a woman is to step into her world
To leave your own, never to return
Ever to remain, ever to share
Her tears and pain in a life unfair

This is love.

To love a woman is to step into her world
To abandon heaven and live on earth
To give your life in exchange for hers
And spend eternal life together

To love at all is to jump across
The chasm of worry and fear of loss
To leave the past and consider it gone
To step into a world of two souls made one

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"This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins."

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Thanks Ira for helping me with the final touch

Milankovitch

As the earth tilts its axis
 Do tides know they're changing
 The curves of the shoreline?
 That the curves of smiles and frowns
 Change with every crash
 Of the tears on my cheek
 When I think of the past.

As the earth wobbles slowly
 Does the wind know it's different,
 That it's no longer the same breeze?
 That when I stand by this beach
 It's no longer your scent
 That blows on my face
 Whenever I breathe.

It might take forever,
 But little by little,
 The world is changing.
 I am missing you less

As the earth changes its circle
 Around its only sun
 It'll be a little bit hotter
 Or maybe a little bit colder
 Now that it's a solitary beach
 It's no longer the same,
 And I'm no longer the same.

As the earth spins, uncaring
 Do mountains know they crumble?
 Do continents know they move?
 Do seasons know they're changing,
 Along with my love for you?

It might take forever,
 But little by litttle,
 My world is changing.
 And I am missing you less.

October 4 2014 Tuesday

Today I'm really pissed. Part of it is carried over from yesterday. My mother was being extremely annoying, getting real mad about every little thing. The moment I wake up she's scolding me for not wearing slippers, and then scolds me later for studying Spanish (duolingo), and then blames me at noon because the buckets in the bathroom weren't filled. Anyway, that was yesterday and I forgot most of it, but admittedly some of the mood still remained until today.

So today I went to L's house and I wasted four hours of my life there. She just disregarded everything I said and everything I did. She is obviously wrong but she never admits it. Not to mention that she knew I don't eat pork but did not give an alternative. Good thing I thought of it in advanced. God give me patience.

The Proof of God - Science and Faith

I heard you’re looking for this. I will not prove the existence of an Infinite Being in general; I find it quite useless to individually prove the attributes of an indivisible God. I will only prove the existence of the God that I know. But I can only tell you what I know; it takes God to know God.

First, a disclaimer: if you’re looking for a cold, hard, scientific proof then you’re not gonna find any. You have to realize that modern science possesses this assumption akin to uniformitarianism (which you probably encountered in geology), called naturalism. It’s basically this: everything happens naturally. Whether yesterday, today, or tomorrow – ‘everything goes on as it has since the beginning of creation,’ as the apostle Peter would have said it (yes, the thought is so old that it was actually prophesied). Now I don’t completely disregard this point of view either; I think it is important to science, because science deals with natural phenomena. But I want to point out that the use of the word everything is presumptuous. You might say, “What’s wrong with that? No one has disproved it anyway.” Of course not, it’s a freaking postulate. The thing is, even if science can provide a completely coherent theory of everything (which is its ultimate goal), it is completely irrelevant to the existence of God. At its very core, science assumes that miracles don’t exist, and that God does not exist, or at least that the existence of either is irrelevant. Therefore science cannot prove that God exists, simply because it has assumed that He does not.

In close relation to this, God is not a natural phenomenon; He created nature and He’s not part of it. He is outside the scope of science. But you might say, “God is faithful. We should be able to observe that faithfulness.” Yes, but faithfulness does not mean predictability. Do you think that He who created the hosts of stars and millions of different creatures according to their kind is not creative enough to show His faithfulness in a thousand different ways, in a thousand different times, and a thousand different places? God is not nature; it declares His glory, but He is not there. And neither is He that random error you find in your data, so don’t bother looking for Him with statistics. God is not a natural phenomenon - God is a being with will, intellect, and emotions. Some people describe Him as a ‘person’; while not completely untrue, in view of the Trinity I find that statement severely lacking. It will, however, be good enough for our purposes.

With that in mind, how do you prove that a ‘person’ exists? For example, how do you prove that the writer of this essay exists? How do you prove that in fact, someone wrote this, and that this is not an excerpt from a string of randomly self-generated characters? Perhaps you could say that this string of spaces and letters has grammar, has a purpose, has logical flow, etc. etc. but that does not disprove the alternate explanation that this could be an excerpt from a string of randomly self-generated characters.

If you haven’t gotten the analogy, I’ll be explicit: the writer is God and the text is Nature. Now don’t overextend this analogy yet; I find many flaws in it too. But let us tweak the question a little in order to make it more relevant. We want to prove that the writer exists, let us first believe that He does not, and see if we arrive at a contradiction.

Case 1: It is easy to imagine that if the writer has no intention of showing himself, then it would be impossible to prove that he exists. Case 2: he wants to prove that he exists. How would he do that? Well, he could send us another letter saying “Hey, I’m real and this is what I’m like.” But we could easily brush that off as another excerpt from a string of characters. Then maybe he could find a mutual friend, go write a letter to him, or better yet call him and meet him in person, and get him to tell us that “Hey, I’m real and this is what I’m like.” But we could just as easily brush that off as a friend fooled by some impostor (remember, we assumed that the writer does not exist, and we want to see a contradiction). Then finally, as a last resort, the writer gives the ultimate proof and shows himself to you and says “Hey, I’m real and this is who I am.” But, we could still easily brush that man off as a fake. If we refuse to believe that then there is no more proof left.

Do you see it now? The problem with proving the existence of a ‘person’ is that you can’t.

And in this respect, Jesus Christ is the ultimate proof of God’s existence. Of course, for your question, “if God wanted to prove Himself, why doesn’t He just show some great miracle right here, right now?” The answer? He has. The Christ was asked the same question ages ago, and He plainly says, “None shall be given you except the sign [of the resurrection].” If we refuse to believe Him then there is no more proof left for us.

To believe is to see. Now you would say, “That’s stupid.” Yes, I completely agree. But that’s the way that God has chosen to reveal Himself.

“God chose the stupid things of the world to shame the wise, and the weak things of this world to shame the strong.”
“The message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God.”
“Anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists. Anyone who comes to Him must believe that he rewards those who earnestly seek Him.”

I can go on, but I believe that these would suffice.

Of course, this conclusion inevitably brings us to the historicity of the gospels. Many have written about it, and many still are doing so. I think it would be best tackled some other time.

September 28 2014 Sunday

Today I am ashamed. I had forgotten that I was supposed to be the presider for the service. Well, here are my excuses (I'll say it here and here alone; I have no obligation to explain myself to others): mama is the scripture reader, and I just trusted that somehow she would remind me, like always. Well, at least I've learned that I'm on my own now. Maybe I should go enter a dorm, considering the current 2-hour travel time.

Edit: so apparently ate P did not talk to mama, but to dad, and we both forgot. Still does not change my realization though.

It's a funny thing, that for a moment I was afraid of being judged by Christians. It's funny that I had to remind myself "it is God who justifies." But it's not funny at all that I know that Christians will judge, that they will gossip, and then say that they "forgive" and extend "grace" so that they would feel good. I know how it feels, since I used to be like that too. It's totally pretentious. Instead, they should just say the truth that they are disappointed (in grace and love, of course).

Ah well, enough about that. The summer moon shines steadily. I hope this lasts. However, I'm thinking that the sun cannot shine brightly with the summer moon governing the sky. I'm talking about satisfaction and happiness and rest in Christ and in Christ alone, not on His chosen people (if you read my entry a few days after I met the summer moon, you'll get what I'm saying).

Nonetheless, this is only a metaphor (more like a play of words) and there is more to this issue of delighting in God than that.

September 9 2014 Tuesday

Today I'll catch up. It's been a while.

I've clarified things with the summer moon: I like her, but not romantically. Well, that saves me from a lot of future complications. It's amazing how well she handles guys; but maybe I shouldn't be too surprised with those looks of hers.

Anyway, this journal is not about the summer moon (in case you're wondering). I feel something is off with purplestar. I can't pinpoint it though (as usual). Oh and I feel unproductive. Lots of people are cramming here and there but I am not doing things. I'm not asking for more work though; it's just that it's really uncomfortable for me.

Mga Mabuting Asal sa Loob ng Jeep

I haven't been sarcastic for quite a while now. Let's give it another try.

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1.       Mag-emo
Umupo ng tabingi at magmuni-muni habang nakatingin sa labas ng bintana kahit sikip na sikip na si madam na katabi lang nung nasa likod mo. Iladlad mo pa ang iyong mahabang buhok at hayaang imudmod ng hangin sa mukha ng nasa likod mong guy. Pretty ka naman eh.

2.       I-extend ang kamay habang nag-eemo
Mas komportable nga namang sumandal sa braso mong nakakairita.

3.       Ibuka ang mga paa
at itago ang nakabukang paa gamit ng malaki mong bag. Totoo, walang nakakita niyan. Yuko ka lang at magkunwaring tulog dahil baka makita mo ang nanlilisik na mata ni manong na di makaupo ng maayos sa may gawing kaliwa mo.

4.       Sumandal sa katabi
Sino nga ba namang makakaalam kung naghahanap ng love life yan? Malay mo maging kayo. Kung hindi man, at least nakatulog ka. O nakapag-emo. At kung desperado ka na talaga, i-try mo kay #2. Bagay kayo, pramis.

5.       Magharutan
dahil tunay nga naman ang inyong pagmamahalan. Mukhang pati yung isang kuyang katabi mo minamahal ka na rin.

6.       Magdaldalan sa likod ng drayber
At wag sabihin na may bababa na. Lalo na kung matandang walang kasama na galing sa SM na may dalang limang mabigat na dilaw na plastic ng grocery para sa mga anak niya. Paki ba nila? Ang importante masaya kayong magkakaibigan! At dahil nasa likod ka na lang rin kayo ng drayber, gawin mo na rin ang #7.

7.       Wag mag-abot ng bayad
At magsuot ng earphones kunwari di naririnig si ateng ngawit na ngawit na ang kaliwang kamay at kanang balakang. Pwede ring magtulog-tulugan kung wala kang earphones. Basta kahit anong mangyari, wag kang lilingon at wag na wag mong hahawakan ang perang galing sa iba. Kadiri kaya yan! Andumi-dumi! Eww! Yuuuck!

8.       Magcomment sa lahat ng masamang nangyayari sa kalsada
Dahil kulang pa sa BV ang mundo at kailangan mo pang dagdagan. O baka dahil parang Gilas vs Croatia nga naman kung panoorin ang mga katangahan. Exciting!

9.       Pagalitan ang drayber
Dahil mas magaling ka sa kaniya. Dapat magsigawan habang nagtatalo. Mabuting gawin ‘to kapag nasa pinakalikod ka ng jeep kung saan maingay ang tambutso at hindi mo marinig ng maayos ang drayber dahil wala ka naman talagang planong makinig. Hanap ka ng #8 para meron kang katandem. At least, nababawasan ang mga nagtutulog-tulugan, lalo na’t yung mga tulog na talaga. Dapat alisto sila, para makaiwas sa mga gumagawa ng #10.

10.   Magnakaw
Dahil kailangan mo ng pera at ang katabi mo ay hindi. Mukha naman siyang mayaman di ba? Ok lang siguro yan. O kung nacucute-an ka, i-add mo na lang siya sa Facebook at sabihing nakita mo ang naiwan niyang wallet. Pogi points!

 Isa lang naman ang pinatutunguhan ng sampung asal na ito: alalahanin lagi ang sarili. Binayaran mo naman yang upo mo, kaya’t sulitin mo na, di ba? Hayaan mong magdusa ang iba. Wala ka nang paki sa kanila dahil hindi sila madiskarte gaya mo.

May mga nakakairitang drayber din naman siempre. Next time na lang yun.

September 4 2014 Thursday

Today the summer moon is late. I almost told her "you're pretty late." (I couldn't text her during the day since she's running out of load.) Apparently she got stranded due to some unusual lack of buses in Valenzuela. So they walked (three girls) for a long while in the night under the rain. That's very dangerous. Thank God He kept them safe.

And today Gilas won. Wooooo!!!

After a few more minutes of chatting and happiness, I bade the summer moon goodnight and went to sleep.

September 3 2014 Wednesday

Today things have stabilized. I managed to ask the summer moon how I should keep a respectable distance. I've made it clear that I want to be friends. I don't know how she feels though.

Today is heartbreaking <////3 Gilas lost!!!! We were winning up until the last two minutes. I won't do any commentating though. I am not a basketball fan and I don't pretend I am. But it's just so grieving to see a win grabbed away with our hopes.

September 2 2014 Tuesday

Today I have no class. Ma'am H is out on a conference and I've already done the seatwork.

I'm not supposed to go to UP today, but E2 set a meeting today for thesis and pd. I regret coming here. I thought it was a meeting but it's actually a work session, and they didn't inform me. Seriously, I could've done more work if I was at home, without needing to spend so much money. Or at least they could've clarified things much better. Siiiiggghhhh. Ah well.

Yeah, "ah well" would be an accurate description, because the summer moon greeted me a good morning. :D We began texting. I hope this continues forever, haha. Maybe forever is too much. But I really like this turn of events. :) Thank You Lord ♥♥♥

Oh and one last thing: it's so fun when you text her, but waiting for a reply is agonizing. I now understand those people who hate me for replying slowly. XD

September 1 2014

Today I have no words. Actually I have a lot, but what I meant were words to describe my feelings.

Hoy es una perfecta día.

Or night rather. Yes, my summer moon smiles gently at me again. I spent all night talking to her. We talked about lots of things: terror profs, age, emoticons, but probably most significantly love lives.

The more I talk to her, the more I like her. She's really intelligent and she has a way with words.

"Do not awaken love until it so desires." But what now that it does?

And oh, the poem "Step" was fixed with no little thanks to her. Check it out.

August 31 2014 Sunday

Today the summer moon smiled at me. I did NOT expect that. So. Much. Feels. But before that, maybe I should recount the day chronologically.

When I woke up, I remembered C. I remembered how much I loved her. And I dreamed how I would ask her out on a last date, how I would ask her not to forget me, and how I would not forget her ever. There's a poem here at the reminder's section.

Then we had Sunday Service. The topic was one of my favorites: the story of Ruth. I remembered how amazing it was that while Boaz lost his 'name' since he became Ruth's kinsman-redeemer, he became David's ancestor, and consequently was part of the blessed Messianic line. It was a lovely love story, to say the least, but I still did not understand what uncovering the feet meant in the story's context.

We ate at SM and then went home. I wrote the poem, then had a haircut. It was quite the circumstance that I forgot to bring an umbrella (my brother was really mad at me for this). Old love songs played all the time I was there, but what stuck to my mind was: "If ever you're in my arms again, this time, I'll love you much better. If ever you're in my arms again, this time, I'll hold you forever. This time will never end." That was somehow the same what I wrote in my last poem to C.

Then I went and did some acads and had dinner.

After that, my friend H chatted me, seemingly troubled by what I think are family matters. She then asked me a "yes or no?" without clarifying what it meant, which means that she's looking for a random answer. I told her not to rely on signs, but quoted (or misquoted) 1 th 5:21 (a personal favorite) saying test every spirit. Hold on to what is good. I accidentally cross-referenced 1 john something. Then she asked for some more verses relating to tiredness. I told her that which is my assurance that Christ is my rest, even with all chaos and turbulence gather around me. "Come to me you who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest." I hope and pray that the Spirit will comfort her through the words of the living Christ.

By this time, two of my friends also began chatting me, but I can't really remember well because my mind is occupied with helping H, and with the springtime moon's smile shining down on me. (You'd know who she is if you read my entries in May)

She was asking me to proofread her work. Her poems were good, especially considering that she wrote it in under 20 minutes (not my practice; I take hours to write a short poem. Love poems usually are exceptions though). And I really liked talking to her (or chatting rather); she's very smart. Oh, and that "leave a pen and paper" poem was very funny.

Idk if I impressed the same to her though. Not that I should care (but I do). She is not my happiness, supposedly (but I was happy, I must admit). I should focus on Christ.

I'd love to see the other sides of this lovely summer moon.

Keep it to Yourself

Weirdly enough, this note was not in the list or even in my activity log. I was pretty sure I posted it, though. I remember rechecking this a few days ago. Anyway, reposting it with some addiitions for keep's sake.

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I would appreciate it if you kept to yourself your “keep it to yourself.” Frankly, you are a hypocrite. Don’t impose on others, you say. But am I wrong to say that you are imposing on me? You impose on me your belief that I shouldn’t impose on others.

But you see, there is no such thing as neutral. Those “neutral” things you love to hear and say – music, and all those inspirational quotes – all of them show who you are and what you believe in. Every word you say, every advice you give, every little thing you do signifies who you are.

If talk enthusiastically about plants it shows how much I like plants, and if I don’t talk enthusiastically about dogs it shows how much I don’t like dogs. Should I then hide who I am and not talk about God? I’d be a selfish fool to do that!

If I discovered unlimited bread that won’t make you go hungry, will I keep it to myself? If I found unlimited water that won’t make me go thirsty, will I keep it to myself? Is it right to keep what is not mine? Will I not tell my sweetheart, “come and eat!”? Yes, I will lead her to that spring of water. How much more then should I tell everyone how good my God is!

So you who tell me “keep it to yourself,” and not only avoid talking about religion but even impede others from doing so are not being neutral at all. You can dish out moral advices agreeing with our Bible; but if you leave out God it’s not quite the same at all, because to us, Christ makes all the difference.

If it is torturous to you to listen to us, don’t you think it also torturous to us to listen to godless advices? Yet no one says to secularism, “stop, I don’t want to hear you any longer.” People like to listen to what they want to hear, and that’s exactly why we both need to listen to what we don’t want to hear.

Keep yours to yourself, but I won’t. You may believe me, and you may not. But I won’t stop sharing this joy that I have. I’d be a selfish fool to do that.

To Saints and Sinners

I pray that this may never happen to you too – falling to the pits of hell – but I feel it necessary to write to you about this, not only for your benefit but for mine as well.

Should you forget what is written here, I want you to remember at least this word: Grace. By “grace” I do not mean the elegant gait by which my beloved allures me with no effort at all, nor do I mean it to be that charming smile when she glances sideways while the wind blows gently on her soft hair. No, this “grace” I talk about is far more beautiful than that, to say the least.

But to most Christians, this grace is mundanely defined as “undeserved favour.” This is mainly due to the pervading thought that grace is for the salvation of sinners, to save some random professor (from the root word profess, not the teacher in school) from hell as long as he says “I accept you Jesus.” While there is a little truth to this claim, I do not want you to think that way too.

But if you’ve fallen at least as far as I have, it will hardly ever cross your mind. In the beginning most of us would enjoy a joyful and fruitful period, when the flame of the Spirit still burns strong within us. May the Lord be gracious enough to you that this flame would never die out, but there are those of us have put out the flame within until the heart is ice cold with sin. There are those of us who have received the seed but which eventually got choked with the weeds of pleasure. There are those of us who have returned home only to journey back to that distant country. There are those of us who have been forgiven but sinned again wilfully, not once, not thrice, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

Yet the dear Savior says to Peter, “I tell you, [forgive] not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” If Peter is to forgive seventy-seven times, how much more will Christ forgive us - us, whom He died for? And if He died for us, did He not rise again for us also? Even now the marks on His hands cry out to the Father: “Forgiven!” All our sins, “Forgiven!” This is grace: “Forgiven!” We who have tested God’s patience to the limits have found that there are none. The saying is true; when sin, abounds grace abounds all the more.

But I do not want you to fall into sin just to know this grace. Do not say that us who have sinned much are better off than you who followed the path. We are not like those wolves that coat their words with false humility, but really take pride in their “conversion.” We do not glorify sinners. We do not brag of our sins, but of the grace that God has given. In other words, we cannot brag at all. For in the kingdom, whoever wants to be great must be a servant; yet who is the Servant that is least of all? In the same way, you who are holy cannot brag also. It is the same God who works in us, and the same grace that abounds not only to save us but to bring us to perfection until the day of Christ Jesus. So do not seek to know grace through sin. Was not the Christ sinless? Yet the fullness of God’s grace dwells in Him. “Forgiven!” that is grace; but “Holiness!” that is also grace – and a much better one in my opinion. Again in the kingdom, whoever practices and teaches the law will be called great; and who is the Teacher and the Fulfilment of the Law?

So in the end, it is Christ who is great. In the end, we are both His servants. In the end, we are both His friends. So to you who have not fallen yet (and I pray never, by the Lord’s grace), and to us who are being saved, keep your eyes on Christ, the Grace of God, for our forgiveness and perfection.

Unforgivable

I knew; He told me.
He chose me even.
I saw the miracles-
No, I performed them.
I drove out devils,
healed the sick,
Yet this evil
I can't resist.

He knew; He told me.
Again and again, He told me.
That I am a devil.
Only Him and no one else
No one saw that I fell
The others trusted me
Even with their money.

He knew; I knew.
He gave me the morsel,
But not the wine.
To give me over to the Devil
And to the devil that I am.

And so He said,
"What you are about to do, do quickly."
This is my destiny,
The hell that God allotted me.
To betray Him and fulfil His duty
What can I do against the Almighty?

I knew.
I am the sinner he could not save,
The devil he could not drive away
The one he guarded but was lost
The one he lost on purpose.

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If Judas had not killed himself, if he saw the resurrected Christ, would he have been saved? He was not much different from the other eleven. He was a thief, yes, but didn't Christ came to save the lost? Didn't even Peter deny the Christ?

The graces of of God were upon him. He was entrusted with the silver, a miracle worker, one of the twelve. Christ knew he would betray him, but He let him follow still. He let him kiss Him. God loved Judas.

But Judas did not have faith. He was a thief, yes, but that never changed. He never followed Christ; he was following the money. But more than that, he chose the money. He chose money over the Christ, and that made him no ordinary thief.

Judas was chosen to betray, but so was Christ chosen before the foundation of the world. Yet He says, "I lay it down of my own accord." And so Judas betrayed Him also of his own accord.

True, he regretted his betrayal. Did he regret that he sold out the Christ? Or did he regret that he sold Him for only 30 pieces of silver? But regardless, that regret did not lead to repentance. It did not lead to faith. He might have thought he was unforgivable. Yet neither suicide nor betrayal is the unforgivable sin - it is faithlessness. He heard and saw and felt how deep Christ's compassion was for the poor and for the sinners, but he rejected it. He'd rather die.

Judas would have been saved if only he believed, "for everyone who calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved."

The Problem of Morality

I remember telling you some weeks ago that I would like to talk to you about the subject of morality. As promised, here it is.

No doubt this topic has been a field of great debate and interest amongst philosophers, but with the rise of relativism the common reply now is “to each his own:” some holding it as a genuine belief while others as a way to dodge the problem.

This problem of morality seems so simple and universal that the questions “what is good?” and “what is evil?” are usually assumed to be fundamental. But the problem is far from being such. Morality and ethics are in fact a product of a set of beliefs. And like other beliefs and theories, the correctness of a moral belief depends on the veracity of its postulates.

The first of these postulates is God’s existence and character. If God does not exist then the great philosophers would be most likely be right (or at least, more right). But if He exists, then the postulate holds true and anything otherwise is false. And so I will not dwell with the thoughts of the great philosophers – that is to say, their postulates are different than mine. I believe that God exists, that He is good, and that He is sovereign.

So to proceed: “what is good?” As I have written in my previous note to you, God is good and God is goodness. He is infinite and perfect not only in holiness and righteousness, but also in kindness and benevolence. But I suppose it will not be of much use to venture farther; this topic has been expounded on already by many a preacher (perhaps my favourite is from A.W. Tozer). I doubt I could add any substantial value to what has already been written, in Scripture and in other books. So I think it best to refer you now to others of greater knowledge in the graces of Christ.

As a side note, I find many people against the morality of the God of the Bible (and against the Bible in general), especially in the Old Testament. So don’t get started on religious laws and wars and genocides if you have not care to read about what others have already said about it (not that other people are right, satisfactory, or even logical; if you want we can talk about this too). And I doubt many of them have actually read the Scripture they pertain to, much less understand it. A crash course in reading Scripture would greatly help. ("Knowing Scripture" by R.C. Sproul is a good start. I can let you borrow my copy if you want)

With all these sidetracks, I have to reiterate: the problem of morality is dependent on the problem of God’s existence. It would be good for us to stop at this point and proceed to that more fundamental question.

August 10 2014 Sunday

Today I am uneasy.

Bro. R preached about woman leadership. There was blatant emphasis on submission and male leadership. While I agree that there is such a thing as order in the household, to extend that to the workplace is unwarranted.

Furthermore, it was assumed (or rather, unclarified) that the biblical idea of 'male leadership' is the same as the dominating leadership that was passed down way back from the patriarchal eras. But in the kingdom of God, leadership is service, not the distorted idea of instutional leadership in the modern church.
I maintain that the role of the woman is to help the man, as Adam was to be helped by Eve. This 'helping' does not necessarily mean to leave all the housework to the woman, though that is an example. Eve was to help Adam in his work for the Lord, not to help him to a sandwich. I think that the church has a largely biased view on what 'helping' could mean.

A proper reading of scripture gives a high regard for women. I would someday like to go through all of those passages, but I do not have the research capabilities now.

On another note, I was supposed to meet M, but she's not replying. The thing is this meeting looks so much like a date that my parents are sure to ask annoying questions (see my brother's text?). Even if she doesn't show up (which is currently the most likely thing to happen), the result would be the same. Not that I care about what they think; it's just plain annoying.

August 10 2014 Sunday

Today I am uneasy.

Bro. R preached about woman leadership. There was blatant emphasis on submission and male leadership. While I agree that there is such a thing as order in the household, to extend that to the workplace is unwarranted.

Furthermore, it was assumed (or rather, unclarified) that the biblical idea of 'male leadership' is the same as the dominating leadership that was passed down way back from the patriarchal eras. But in the kingdom of God, leadership is service, not the distorted idea of instutional leadership in the modern church.
I maintain that the role of the woman is to help the man, as Adam was to be helped by Eve. This 'helping' does not necessarily mean to leave all the housework to the woman, though that is an example. Eve was to help Adam in his work for the Lord, not to help him to a sandwich. I think that the church has a largely biased view on what 'helping' could mean.

A proper reading of scripture gives a high regard for women. I would someday like to go through all of those passages, but I do not have the research capabilities now.

On another note, I was supposed to meet M, but she's not replying. The thing is this meeting looks so much like a date that my parents are sure to ask annoying questions (see my brother's text?). Even if she doesn't show up (which is currently the most likely thing to happen), the result would be the same. Not that I care about what they think; it's just plain annoying.

August 8 2014 Friday

It's been so long since I last wrote here. As usual, I'd skip the other days and write only about today.
Today is the second day of class. It is very unprofitable. There were no classes at all except for ChE 182.

I really enjoyed it though. Ma'am H (I almost forgot, I don't namedrop) surpasses her reputation. She has a cool voice, a good pace (rather fast for my pen but just enough for my mind), clear examples, even perfect pronunciation (grammar OC too). I'm looking forward to this semester.

When Love is Wrong

Often I have heard: "it is never wrong to love." Perhaps it is this thought that is most influential in making us see things in much more than fifty shades of gray in an otherwise colorful world. A man loving another man; a deprived wife finding satisfaction from another's husband; a free man living life as he wants; a desperate woman clinging to another; a rich man hungry for power; a poor man working for his family; we can see at least seven billion more varieties and nuances of love being justified by that one, globally accepted postulate: "it is never wrong to love."

To this I say: no. In fact, the love we see now is almost always wrong. I could go on with details and perhaps list cases and judge whether each case is right or wrong, because love can be wrong depending on the kind of love, manifestation, object of love, and timing etc. etc. But I think it more fruitful to lay down the one and only time that love is right.

Right and wrong is a controversial issue, and it would be best if we talked about this separately some other time. For now, rest in the fact that God is good. If you don't agree with this then I have nothing else to tell you. You can skip this now and move on with your life - I am serious. Now if you think it right then I will continue. By "God is good." I do not mean that there is some standard of good to which God is measured against. I mean that God is good, and good is God, and that He is goodness Himself, and that He is the standard by which good is measured. This kind of morality has no doubt been abandoned in this age, and I see this as the primary cause of the modern moral mayhem. I will try to convince you of this in some other note (only God can convince you).

Back to the main topic. Love, in all its forms, is only right when it is in God. This is the first and greatest commandment: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your mind, all your soul, and with all your strength." One need not be concerned whether the kind of love exhibited is appropriate because God demands all our love; or whether the object of love is appropriate because the object is first and foremost and solely God-who-is-good.

Also, because God demands all our love, and that disobedience to God-who-is-good is sin, we can therefore say that sin is but misplaced love. An obsessive love for money, power, objects (even fries and bacon), a country, an ideal, even for people: countrymen, students, the self, or any other - yes even family. I tell you the truth, "everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life." Any love that does not spring from the love of God is sin. Remember, the Lord our God is a jealous God. No man can serve two masters.

You may say, "if God is to have all love, then what about humans? What about the world? How can I love them then? This teaching is black and white; I cannot accept it." The key lies in the second greatest commandment: "Love your neighbor as you love yourself." Humanists would call this the first, but The Christ calls it second. And obviously, He calls it second because the first should take precedence. This brings us back to the question, "if I love God with all of me, then how do I love my neighbor, or how do I love her, or anyone else for that matter?"

Listen to the Christ: "If you love me, you will obey my commands." We can then see clearly from the first and second commandments that love of God overflows to others. Love of God, or love for God means loving people the way He loves. It does not consume; it is a spring from which life flows. This is what I mean by love that is in God: it is an overflow from the infinite love of God. And so it is alright for a man to love another man, or a woman to love another woman, or a poor man to love his family - as long as that love is in the love of God.

You would be right to notice that this context changes everything entirely: the type, manifestation, and timing of love, etc. would be only what is appropriate in God's sight. Now while that may sound boring to someone who has never tried it, let me at least describe to you a little of this great love that overflows. To love God-who-is-good is to see a colorful world: to be content and happy in wealth and in poverty, to enjoy His creation of birds and trees, to love your wife as Christ gave His life, to abhor wickedness yet love your enemies, and to persevere in trial then encourage with a smile.

I am aware that talking about love is probably not the best way to explain it. How can I possibly show you in black text the wonderful colors of the world as seen in Eternity's Light? If I describe to you a rainbow in an imagery that not even Orpheus can utter, it would do you little good unless you have seen a rainbow. I can describe my feelings when I see the color red, but to a colorblind I cannot describe the color. In my dreams I have seen a new color (at least I think so), but I cannot share the experience with anyone at all. I am no Orpheus, and I cannot possibly describe all the various hues and shades of a life in the love of God; with every new tint I see, it seems a hundred more is to be discovered (nothing less should be expected of an infinite God). If you were with me maybe I could minister to you and let you see a glint of Eternity's Light. But that is the best I can do. It would be better to see and experience for oneself. The Word of God lives and He can convince you of this: "It is never wrong to love, when love is in God."

June 27 2014 Friday

Today I met a Pia. Pia Magayao if I remember correctly (though it was just a few minutes ago). She's an incoming freshman (I wonder why "freshwoman" or "freshperson" sounds so wrong), speech com, in UP Diliman too. She's staying in Kalay dorm at the moment, doing and heading volunteer work somewhere. She has fairly brown skin and neatly-lined teeth.

Anyway that's not what's important, as the Little Prince would have said. She's a jolly energetic woman (or talkative, depending how you look at it). She's paranoid; afraid of ghosts in Kalay. She even got scared by Drag Me to Hell =)). I think it's funny, maybe even a little bit cute. Also she knows how to converse (how to conversation in internet grammar); meaning not just talk but listen well, which is a great thing.

That's enough I guess; you might say I'm in love again. I say I'm getting the hang of complimenting people truthfully. I hope I can encourage more people too.

June 23 2014 Monday

Today I saw my love. She is ten times more beautiful than the last time I saw her. She grew her smooth, hazel-streaked hair, and changed her hairstyle. I don't know what changed exactly; I never was knowledgeable about women's hairstyles and I was too mesmerized to notice. What I do know is that it fits her so well like a tiara would on her head. She changed her perfume, too; it's more fragrant but less strong; the kind of smell that's gentle and sweet.

I wanted to hug her so badly, but I have to honor her words and refrain from doing so. I do wish I could've talked to her longer and accompanied her home, but I am a friend, not a full-time lover. (I won't say "I am just a friend"; I treasure our friendship more than gold.)

I know I love her but I can't be with her. Yet I can't stop, because I love her and I cannot do otherwise. Here's to a year of daily death and confusion.

Us Who Have Fallen

I am much tired and weary of that unwanted pity. We who have become lukewarm, who have ceased to care, caught in the trivialities of the world; we who have backslidden and been left behind, whose hearts are callous and souls are seared; we who have fallen, need neither pity nor the rod.

It is most annoying and most awkward whenever you churchgoers and active members ask “how is your ministry?” and “how many disciples have you had? “ and “how many people have you shared to?” and “how is your walk with God?” (regardless of legalism, or of genuine concern, or of ignorance, or of insensitivity). How am I to answer “I don’t”, without receiving that low-voiced “Ah” while looking down on the floor, almost at me, followed by a short, awkward silence, and then finally, a “why?” almost like a whisper. How am I to avoid that gaze that expects a rigid answer when I haven’t figured it out myself?

Why the pity? Are you better than me? Do you think that I wanted to be like this? It is the blandest thing in the world to lose that Flame. Better a bitter life than a bland one. I hated that I didn’t care, but now that hate is fading too. Maybe I simply don’t have the passion. Have I not prayed for it? Did I not ask for it? Even now I knock, but the door has yet to open, if it ever will.

In the end, there are no words for us. There is always encouragement to the faithful servant and punishment to the lazy one. But of us who tried and failed there is none. For one supposes there is instant victory in Christ, and leaders would always clamour and rejoice over that fruitful member. But of us who are not quite there, who carried our crosses and stopped to rest, there is only silence.

There are no words for us, yet maybe we only needed one: “Come.” Sheep in the flock need the rod and staff, but those who are lost need seeking. To be able to just come; no questions, no scolding, no indifference, no pity. An extended hand, a simple smile, and a patient invitation, “Come.” Maybe that's what we need, us who have fallen.

May 19 2014 Monday

Today I'm corrupt. I registered as a voter, but my tita (aunt) is from Comelec (Comission on Elections). I practically bypassed the procedure. There were only a few people, but it's corruption all the same.

I noticed the eyes of those women working there when they saw me (I am rather tall compared to them). I could read in their eyes that they were thinking: "another one of the boss's" or something along those lines. They were almost ashamed to look at me. But I could also see that they have already accepted the fact of such situations inside the government.

I think it wasn't right. I don't know what I should've done. Maybe I do: turn down the corrupted offer of generosity. But I don't know how I should've done it. Gently? Firmly? Violently?

I don't want this to happen again.



Also I met kuya Alex (Alexander John Cruz) at Lolalita's Canteen (U really missed SC and Area2, especially ate marj :)) ). He still is as talkative and ambitious ever. I guess it's true though, that there are people who see money as a measure of success. I must admit that I was a bit taken aback when he said that the payback period for Petron Scholarship grant is 3 months. Well that's like a hundred thousand per month. Or maybe less since their batch is only under the grant for two years.

Anyhow, I'm still not enamored by money. I mean, what will I do with so much? It's good to have fun and all, for too enjoy the fruits of our toils is the gift of God. But to live for money like that, I can only see it as an empty life, craving for something that cannot really satisfy.

I can't blame him though. I mean, as a former porn addict, I very well know the pleasure of temporary satisfaction. I'll pray for him too.



Speaking of prayer and evangelism, I still don't know what I'd do with CCC. The only problem I have is with the pace they want to do things. You see, they want a large harvest, but there are no seeds planted. To ask for commitment right after, it might work for some (I hate the sound of that. Maybe it should be: it might be good for some), it might be good for some but not for all. Personally, I don't have this specific time and date of salvation like many others do. The process in my case is incredibly long.

I don't want to work like them, but I don't want to leave altogether either. I will wait on the Lord then.

May 17 2014 Saturday

Today I left my bag in the bus. Well, it's not really a 'bag' but a maleta. It contained all my dirty clothes, towel, and a pair of shoes. It was my fault though, daydreaming and all.

When I got off the bus, there was a roasted peanut vendor wanting to get on, but the driver no longer wanted to accept such vendors. So when I got off, the bus immdiately closed its doors and shot off. I panicked a bit, and then decided to call Almira (we left Bataan together). I pulled my phone and saw she was calling me already. In the end she took home my heavy maleta, along with her other luggages. It was really shameful haha. But thank God for her. I want to treat her next week as thanks.

Anyway, I had lunch at Tokyo-tokyo in SM North. It was jam-packed with people. There was only one seat left for me, and more people were flooding in. The only working counter had a long line of customers (around 5-7 people I think), so the manager (I don't know what to call her, but she had a different uniform: collared, buttoned near-black shirt with a very faint brown color. She wore no black hat. There were 2 of them who wore that uniform) - so the manager opened another counter and kindly (emphasize that, kindly) assisted me. She had a soft voice but spoke firmly and decidedly, with a hint of tiredness, and perhaps sadness. She looked at the order screen routinely with her finely cut, gem-like eyes under her long eyelashes, while swiftly pressing the menu buttons with her pointing finger. Her chin was not less beautifully sculpted as that of Galateia's. She had large lips that fit perfectly her tall, graceful stature.

She had a mark on her face. A dark patch of skin on her left cheek that makes her all the more unique. But beyond that she was kind. I asked where to get a spoon and fork but she offered to get them. Oh, and she served the extra rice too. She was a 'manager' with a serving spirit. Serving spirits will always be beautiful in my eyes.

May 16 2014 Friday

Today the prologue ends. It's the last day of the one-and-a-half-month OJT at Petron Bataan Refinery in Limay, Bataan. It's been filled with weird feelings, new experiences, and a sneak peak to my life in the next 5 years.

Weird feeling 1: I like working here in the sense that I can use what I learn. But so many people discourage me because of the low pay. I shouldn't be bothered. Me, of all people, worrying about low pay? Wasn't I the one whose great drean us a simple life? Weird feeling #2: I love her but my heart is cold. Is this God's work? I don't understand. My heart beats for a while then stops suddenly. I'm doubting the rhema I received: to wait until graduation. Frankly, I'm scared. Will I find a partner? Chances are low after graduation. Especially here in Limay, where I don't know anyone.

New experiences: quite too many to mention. Safety, process integration, major equipments, firefighting, etc.

One thing that really bothers me is the lack of time for myself, or rather, for God. If I really have to socialize from day until night like this for the next 5 years, I'd have no doubt that I will backslide. In fact, I'm losing focus even now. With all these unstoppable influences hampering my mind nonstop, I am withering and losing proper nutrition.

This is the work place. This is the real world. Yes, it is my responsibility to abide in Christ, to work for the Sabbath rest in Christ, to meditate on the Word of my Lord day and night.

I will set a time and rhythm. I will discipline the body. Every morning at 5:00 I will read the Word and keep it in my heart for the rest of the day. This is not to set a legalistic attitude but a fervent desire to seek Him.

May 14 2014 Wednesday

Today I fought fire. We had firefighting training in the morning. The clothes were extremely dirty and ripped. There weren't much of size choices also. But who would even bother checking that in case of emergency?

I never would've thought that firefighting could be that exhausting. The extreme heat inside the protective gear coupled with the hot smoky wind blown by gasoline flames wore down the body. The smoke makes it hard too breathe while the heat makes breathing all the more necessary. Anyway it's a fun experience and a very practical one too.

Tonight I had seafood. The tita in villa leonor calls it "pinaputok na tilapia", along with buttered shrimp. The tilapia was like inihaw (so conyo eh??) but covered in banana leaf. It was oily but not 'nakakauyam' (funny how filipinos have lots of terms for taste), and salty with the savory smell of smoked banana leaf. Also the shrimp was incredibly tasty. The shell comes off easy and the intestines were mostly clean. It snapped between the teeth in the first bite and remains chewy yet easy to swallow.

Tita also prepared adobong sitaw. It was not sour, but had a balanced mix of saltiness. The sitaw itself was evenly sized, not too large nor too small. It was chewy and had good consistency since it was not overcooked. The right amount of garlic and onion gave it a variety of flavor and a savory aroma.

Well, we also finished the revalida due tomorrow but it's hardly as interesting as the food. I slept at 12mn because I had to wash thrice today due to the firefighting and good food (I sweat a lot when eating good food). I will likely lack briefs so I washed 3 briefs. I'll sleep sweetly then.

How could you preach without Christ?

How could you preach without Christ? I don't understand. How could you reduce the Gospel to petty things like witty statements and catchphrases? How could you leave Him like a topping, an icing on the cake, when He is the sweet Manna from Heaven, the Bread of Life? How could you remove the power of God unto salvation and replace it with your own pitiful wit? How could you glorify yourself along with the Thrice Holy God, to whom belongs all glory and honor and power and praise? For by Him, and through Him, and in Him, and for Him, all things were made, things in heaven and on earth, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities. He is the center of all creation; His glory, its purpose. To remove Him from the podium is the act of the devil. To stand with Him on the pedestal is blatant blasphemy.

Whether the apostle Paul instructed the churches or admonished the brotherhood to maturity, it was always in the Lord. His greetings are in the Lord. His confidence is in the Lord. His boasting is in the Lord. His instructions on food, marriage, and idolatry are in the Lord. The rules for holy living are in the Lord. Whether in strength, hope, joy, faith, or perseverance, we are always directed by the apostle to the Lord. We are in Him; let Him fill us to the brim; let Him be our all in all. Let His Word be our foundation; His glory, our purpose. And when we preach, we preach in the Lord. A preaching without Christ is sure to perish.

Christianity is not mere self-improvement. It is not concerned with mere behavioral changes, with mere positive thinking. It is a new creation. It is the work of God in us, as we work out our salvation with fear and trembling. It is the increasing manifestation of the risen Christ as we take up our cross and follow Him. It is The Spirit of Joy filling our hearts as we delight in Him.

It is a sure hope, that when the Mighty God, the Everlasting Father, returns with His angels in blazing fire, evil shall be judged, and us who are righteous in Him shall share His glory. Christianity is the certainty that God works all things for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose. Christianity is the assurance that the Spirit of God shall bear lasting fruit in our lives - one that multiplies 20, 60, or even a hundred times, according to His grace.

Preaching without Christ is transforming people the way the world will. It may try to change us for the better, but will never be able to make us new. It will never be able to wash us clean, pure, and holy. But Christ - He is God with us, God in us, the Author and Perfecter of our faith. By His blood we are saved, and by His life we are changed.

May 3, 2014 Saturday

Today I met a lovely lady. Her smile is the full summer moon glowing a gentle, pale white against the dark depths of a cloudless night. Her lips were a sweet carnation. Her eyes were sharp; a discerning pair hidden behind her intelligent glasses, piercing through my soul with a single glance. She wore a flowery dress that danced whenever she moves her graceful figure, swaying in silent rhythm with her smooth, black hair that always lands softly on her shoulder blades.

She was quiet, but more likely just shy. After all, she's a writer. Writers are living books who make copies of snippets of themselves, sharing them with other people. They lie quiet and harmless while they are closed; but once opened, words and ideas unceasingly stream forth like a typewriter in the hands of a frenzied monkey. Not that she looks like a monkey; she's quite the blessed creature: like the moon to the sun, she reflects a portion of the infinite, radiant beauty of God.

I don't know her name, though. I didn't quite hear it when she introduced herself. It happens: those times that my mind suddenly blanks out to appreciate the sublime beauty of the wonder standing - well, sitting - before me. But one thing I do know: she is the loveliest, most interesting book I've seen this summer.

Miracle, Love.

Inside this pressurized, boiling pot of confused emotions, I finally understood: I love you. You may not understand me, but at the very least I want you to know that I love you. And I still will.

I chose to love you. I did not fall for you like some madman under a spell. Well, maybe I did. After all, I'm a clam that shuts out people. I never show my soft side. I never give the important pearls. But you manage to open me up every single time I talk to you. Was it your sweet smile? Your starry eyes? I don't know when I started to think of you all day long, or when I started to long to hear your voice and see your face. I can't count the days I've been lifting you up to God in my prayers. Perhaps I really was bewitched. Maybe I still am. But was that love? Could I have already called it love? Or am I just emotionally dependent on you?

You see, dear, when I distanced myself from you, I stripped off every single emotion I had about you. But even then I was not rational, because those flames red-hot deep beneath cannot be swept dead by a mere gust of the will. "Is this love? Is this love?" I would always ask myself. I was confused. And I didn't know the answer until I decided that it was "yes." I chose to love you.

But I'm too stupid to notice that you had distanced yourself too. What happened? Why? I guess I'm too far away now. Did I do something wrong? I'm sorry. Was I too slow? Forgive this lagging heart of mine. Did you hate me? What did it look like to you? Did you love me too, even for just a bit? I want to know.

But then, now what? Is it like the gentle wind on your smooth, lovely hair, whose beginning and end I will never know? Will it be over like this, feeling like it never ended at all, feeling like it never even started?

Maybe. It wouldn't have lasted anyway; not with the way we are now. We may never leave each other, but we very well know we can't be together. After all, we live in different worlds. I am a stranger here on earth. I am trapped here in a foreign country, and I will always long to go back to my homeland. I belong to a kingdom at war against yours.

Will you defect to the other side? Because there's no way else we can be together. Even then, do you still love me? Would you still love me? Did you even love me?

I love you so much, but it tears my heart to pieces. I would have devoted all my heart, all my mind, all my soul, and all my strength to you. But I can't, because I have devoted myself to the Lord. It is no longer I who lives in me, but Christ. And it is under His love that I must love you. And it is under His love that you must love me, too.

It is impossible then. You cannot simply choose to love the Lord that I serve, for to love Him is to abandon everything. It is no petty thing like changing religions. It is a change of heart. Such love is a gift of God, and the gifts and graces of God are nothing short of miracles. It would take such a miracle for us to be together.

I love you, my dearest, my one and only. And I still will. Know that I will always love you with a love that is pure and holy: a love that is in Christ. I will be praying for a miracle.

May 8 2014

Today I wondered about ghosts. Ivan and RJ both had really creepy stories.

Personally, I don't believe in ghosts per se. But I do believe about angels and demons. And I do believe that there is only one God, the Eternal Father, and one Lord, Christ Jesus.

May 6 2014 Tuesday

Today I drew an artwork. I don't know how I did it. Fine, maybe I knew a little. I practiced by myself during Artstud2 summer. Why, did I want to learn, you ask? I got inspired by C. Her hands are really beautiful. Anyone who has seen her drawing notebook cannot say otherwise. So I tried a little of sketching because of her. I read a book in National Bookstore in SM Fairview, actually. I just internalized the techniques but didn't buy the book. Not to be prideful, but I think my work is beautiful, haha. Yet I'm still not nearly as good as C. I could only dream to have even five percent of her skill.

Anyway, the sketch basically shows my feelings today, carried over from last night. It'd be pretty obvious why if you read the previous entry.

Also, remember the girl I was talking about 4 days ago? That lovely, interesting lady? Well, the entry about her is not in this random journal. I moved it to my other works, since it feels like it's a pretty good read. Anyway, she actually sent a friend request in facebook! I think I felt "kilig" there for a moment, but maybe (more likely, actually) it's just because I'm a little bit high. I at least know her name now. I won't write it here, but let's just call her by the name Israel. ;) It'd be strikingly obvious to those who know her. But it's not like anyone would read this random journal. Much less our common friends.

That encounter kept me pretty high throughout the day (no coffee! Imagine!). She also kept me inspired to finish this work (with feelings). I guess I have to thank her a bit also.

May 2 2014 Friday

Today there is a fire in the refinery. I learned from Chan, who got it from Daphne who was in the process engineering area, that Tank 331 was on fire. Actually, I was not at the admin building then. I was at the cafeteria happily buying a chicken sandwich. It was only 4:00 PM when the whistle sounded. I thought it was too early, and too long, and I realized from the safety training that it was a fire. So I had to leave my chicken sandwich (I hadn't paid for it yet).

I went out the cafeteria, and saw a black smoke rising. I rushed to the assembly point, just past the second gate. But when I reached the gate, I realized that technically, I am not yet an employee and this have no responsibility (not to mention that I have no training). So I was about to walk back and get my sandwich when I saw sir G. I asked if we have to go to the assembly area, but he redirected me instead back to the training room.

The fire was quickly put out. It only took around 15 minutes. I wanted to get my sandwich already but I couldn't find the timing to ask sir. After 7 more minutes I decided to go out through the back door.

When I got my sandwich I found out it had no lettuce nor tomatoes in it (not even cucumber). :<

May 1 2014 Thursday

Today I'm ecstatic. A LOT of things happened, I can't process them all, or at least not without writing. Where should I start? I guess I'll start at the beginning of the day.

Today I wrote a love letter. It's here in my notes, one without a title. I don't think it's appropriate to put one. It is a letter without theme, written for a special lady. I poured forth my feelings, melting together my beliefs and passions that have long been suspended and floating in my mind, shaping it with creativity, and finally hardening it with cold rationale. It felt like a masterpiece; like a rare sharp blade of a blacksmith. It was all my blood and soul poured forth in a single work. It was relieving. I could breathe calmly now as I think about it.

Today I saw Bataan. Rather, WE saw Bataan, I and my friends: Daphne (our gallant sponsor!!), Chan, Almira, Aaron, and RJ. Again, I'll proceed in chronological order. Daphne's car (her family's) looked really new. The aircon was cold and the seats were clean and without cover. We rode to Mt. Samat for about an hour.

During the trip I also tasted that veggie chicharon advertised by Daniel Padilla (sukang paombong flavour). It was pretty good, but it dehydrates me pretty quickly.

Originally, I planned to walk up Mt. Samat on my own. I wanted to try hiking by myself. But we were in Daph's care, so I joined in the climb by car. Since we left Villa Leonor at around 10 AM, we arrived there at about 11 AM. The view was breathtaking. Tall trees looked small toys and the plains and mountains filled the earth until the horizon. Sharp contrasts of shades of green and brown fill the eyes.

Then we toured the museum. The guns and bayonets and bazookas and mortars were really interesting. I didn't spend too much time on the photos and stories, though. I didn't like history much, even when I was a kid. But what was most interesting is the miniature of Bataan. It was really grand and detailed and beautiful. The mountains and beaches looked lovely. And it also gave me a much needed sense of geography. I want to tour more someday. The Mariveles mountain range looked really lovely.

Anyway, we went up the zigzag path to the cross. It was rather a tiring climb, but exciting. The cross at the top was taller. They say it's 92 feet high. We didn't get to the viewing deck though, there were too many people. Too many people always seems to spoil the fun. Or maybe I'm really not just a people-person.

So we ate lunch. It's the first time I've heard of "spabok". It's palabok, but with spaghetti noodles. And squid for meat. Unbelievable. It was sooo gooooodd!!!! It is a mixture of different cultures, Italian pasta, mixed with the Spanish palabok and the Philippine seafood. There was also a favorite: "inihaw na boneless bangus", and a separate inked squid viand. Unbelievableeee. Seafoooooodddddd. Aaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!! I looveeee iiitttttttt TT______TT

Then at 1 PM we went to La Vista Inland Resort. I don't like swimming pools. I planned to just remain in the small cottage all the while. It wasn't so bad being alone since there were 3 karaoke booths around us and they played songs I like (OPM, classic rocks). But my friends managed to pull me, so I had to use cheesecloth as a towel. The CRs were terribly dirty, and so are the showers. I saw improperly drained cubicles, stinking of urine and fecal matter. And a blooded tampon.

I waded a bit in the water, and I still don't know how to tread. I tried the slide but my shorts generate too much friction. :<

All that was nothing compared to the fun I had in wave pool. Being swept away by powerful waves, anchoring on strangers for support; it was a very humbling, fun, and tiring experience. I almost got drowned in fact. I got caught in a big wave and temporarily submerged myself when some random guy used me as an anchor. I got up rather quickly then, so I guess it's all good. The water was warm though since there were too many people. I can only imagine myself in the deep, cold sea.

There was also a bit of a drama, where some maniac who was taking advantage of the body contact. He touched even my friends. Had I known earlier, I would have done something. Well, someone gave him a well-deserved punch in the face so I guess that's enough.

After another hassle of washing and drying and changing clothes, we finally left the water and went to a park in Wawa. The air was sufficiently clean, and I had fun watching people skate and exercise. Sadly, the beach is almost dead. There were no seagrasses, and the mangrove area is completely residential. The planted coconut trees and bermuda grass hasn't been there a year, as they said, but they are already half-brown. No surprise there though, the park's design hardly exhibited even minimal knowledge of the intertidal zone.

Then we went to Daphne's aunt's house, which was just beside the beach. It was a very modern house. The facade was neatly black and white, and the inside is startingly simple and beautiful. It was also very clean. The walls and the rails were not greasy, and had no smell whatsoever (yes, I smelled it). The balcony had a decent view on the street below, and also that of the Mariveles mountan range. The rooftop had the sea on its east and the mountains on the west (not to mention the flare on the south). And also a clear, unhindered view on the lovely blue sky. I'd like to go stargazing once.

There were other events that transpired at night, but they are not as interesting as what happened during the day (except maybe for inked squid again for dinner. I love seafood). Actually, I held back in detailing the events today, since I can see it's plenty long already. Good night then.